The cool thing? I didn’t drink. I thought about it a bit. I was able to look past it. On a whim, my neighbor (good friend) and I decided to go trick-or-treating. I know, I’m way too fucking old. I had to convince her it was going to be fun. We got quite a bit of candy..She told me this was the best Halloween she’d ever had. I had a mask on and winter clothes so no one knew who I was. I was told I looked 16…by the body? hum….trust me I don’t look that good.
We stopped at my mom and step-dads house. I fucking hate that guy. Sometimes I feel like that’s my daddy and then I remember he rapped my brother. When my brother told me he was fucking rapped by him, a huge part of my soul deflated. My brother was rapped. We all trusted our step-dad. I did not ever think I would see him this fucking weak and pathetic. I lost my dad. He is a child molester. I grew up with one of those and then my mom found and married another one. I think I went on a 6 day drink fest when my brother told me what he had done to him. Fuck…not too long ago I would use that as reason to drink. The fact of the matter is breathing was always a good reason to justify drinking. I feel selfish to say I lost a dad when my brother was the victim. It feels good to admit it though. I saw him tonight. It was weird. He was being nice to my brother in a different way…My first thought- he is becoming a better man…The second thought, he hurt my brother again. God help me if he does anything to that child. This guy has no idea how many people know what a piece of shit he is and most don’t even know the details….I pray he is changing.
It’s weird having my real dad in the picture now; a drunk like me. I wanted him for so long, so badly. The sadness of not having him in my life when I was a kid has always haunted me. I thought I had one with my brother’s dad when I was very young, but he turned out to be a Nazi….Then, finally at 18 I had a dad. I got to be a “daddy’s girl.” Then….. Fuck….., the last 10 years went down the drain. So now I cling to my real dad . I feel like I have done a lot of forgiving when it comes to my dad and that I am going down that path with my step-dad…does he deserve it. If I let go and pray God will help me forgive him; will I just end up broken hearted because I see the man has not changed? I don’t know.
As time goes on I am finding myself opening up and trying to forgive more. In turn I get hit pretty hard with life’s fucking curve-balls at times and the only thing I can think is that I have to stay sober. It’s fucking hard, fuck.
I hope my brother is not holding back from telling me things someone should know about…because he does not want to trigger me to drink. He needs to be protected. Through God I should be too.
Thank you for this evening God