I don’t think there has been a time in my life that I have not truly said “no” for a man

I hope I am getting out of my fucking head. Hum….

I don’t think there has been a time in my life that I have not truly said “no” for a man. I was so overwhelmed with the attention I looked past everything. This guy at work and I are going to hang out and chill on Sunday. I called my sister tonight and found out, I told her I would watch my nephew during the day on Sunday. When we talked I heard. “spend the night,” but she was telling he was going to spend the night somewhere else and asked me to watch him in the day and I told her yes. When she asked me I was thinking about myself so I didn’t even fucking hear what she was telling me. My first thought was (admittedly) no! I am going to go “have fun” with a guy. She freaked out….

Every Thursday I meet with my sponsor. The gist of what we talked about is not being selfish; being totally selfless.

So I thought about that and realized rather quickly that I was being totally selfish. Just the other day I was thinking about how sad I feel that I have not seen my nephew recently…it’s been nearly a month….and here I fucking am with an AWESOME opportunity to be with my little guy. So I know the right thing to do is be with my nephew. And you know what…..I feel a peace now. Tomorrow I wont even mention hanging out; if he does, I will tell him I am going to spend the day with my nephew. I’ll be nice and cool about it. I wont be a bitch. I just need to do what’s fucking right in my life, with God.

I am working pretty hard at work. I am not letting myself work so hard I am not able to enjoy life outside of work. I know the thousands in commission that could be. I am having to learn quickly and I am focusing more and more.

Motivation: Getting my own apartment. I don’t even want to date a guy right now…one of the reasons is I want to be proud to say I have my own place. I want to get my car in my name…pay that sucker off. Pay the rest of my debt. Granted the debt I have now is nothing close to where it was when I quit drinking. I thought I might have declared bankruptcy. I’m not close to their now. Thank God. I want to lose some weight, keep reading great books that open my mind, find peace in the fact that I don’t have to turn to alcohol….and I want to continue to be the person I am at work and become even more knowledgeable.

When you pray for yourself…Are you praying for something that is selfless. I can’t remember a time where I prayed and did not think about myself. Fuck, I have to get this shit.

God, bless all of the people who read my blog. Be there to comfort all the alcoholics: sober and non-sober alike. thanks.

By the way…a few night’s ago I talked about how I found pictures of my ex-husband and his first ex-wife together and I think they are back in a relationship. I looked at the pictures and felt glad that they both looked heavier. What my fucking brain should have done was thank God the girls have their mom and dad, together. In the pictures they did look happy. Why would I be such an idiot to be jealous and angry. It actually looks like a good thing and I am happy for them and truly want things to go well for them and the little ladies. I know they always wanted their mom and dad together: so I hope they are.


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