It’s interesting to me….why the fuck do I do some of the things I do and why in the world do I think most of them are good ideas?
You know the idiot that I was going to go on a date with last Friday…..well I called him and was going to sleep with him. I’m fucking horny, it’s been a long time. I never thought I would say that but it’s crazy.
I backed out. Would I have backed out if he could meet me earlier? I don’t know. I am thankful I said no, I could have gone along with it and had sex . First of all, I think he is an alcoholic so I am sure he would have alcohol at his house. I still don’t want to be in the situation where liquor is there. Secondly, I would most likely have fun at the time but feel like shit in the morning. Thirdly, I still feel sad once in a while about losing Gavin James. I am getting so much better and healing from it. I saw a baby at work and my heart sank a little bit. I felt very sad when the AA meeting was over tonight because a few people talked to me about it. I haven’t felt that sad for a little while now. I wanted to cry but I held back. When I felt like that I realized I shouldn’t have sex with that guy. Then, on the way home I had my ipod on shuffle and a very sad but beautiful song came on: Colbie Caillat, “Capri.” I started to tear up a bit and I thanked God he protected me from making a stupid decision tonight.
Thank you God.
I have been thinking about liquor more. Not all the time by any means but I see the fluid that I thought once made me happy but as time went on I couldn’t stop so I tried to take my own life……. and think about what it tastes like and how it felt going down. Crazy, now I see that it truly will never go away. When this shit happens I realize I need to be more involved in AA. I still go to three or four meetings a week and I see my sponsor once a week but I need to read the Big Book. I need to start 10 stepping. I need to pray more. If I pray more I would probably not make a choice like I almost did tonight.