Still sober. These last few weeks have been very hard. I have thought about escaping. I am still sober.
I went to a meeting a few nights ago and I got my one year chip. It felt fucking good but I was fucked up emotionally with all the shit going on around me that I felt like it was my fucking first day of sobriety. I shared exactly that in the meeting; perhaps it will let others who are struggling know they are not alone. It’s amazing to me how far I thought I would be by now a year ago when I quit drinking and at the same time, I can’t believe I have come so fucking far.
I think I beat myself up way too much.
I am a liar and a manipulator. Batman help me.
I feel as thought I should not share everything I want to say on this blog because I know two people who read this. I was hoping that wouldn’t happen because this has been the medium in which I have expressed my inner shit openly and honestly for over a year now.
I want to talk about where I am with AA:
I have gone to a meeting two or three times in 2012. I have enjoyed them for the most part. I did not walk out of the meetings feeling like my life was changed like I use to experience. The meeting I have been attending is a 10pm candle light, beginners meeting. I like it because most people are new to the sober world like I am. Some of the idiots that have a year or more think that when they share they can tell others what they SHOULD DO. It frustrates me very much. I have to remember we all make this our own and if people feel as though they need to share that I should let it go.
I need to try another meeting!
I hope tomorrow is a good day for you and me.