I’m feeling crazy inside right now. I don’t know how to slow down my mind.
My dad is in the ICU for pneumonia and the doctors are not sure what the hell is wrong with him… I feel like my dad is the only family I have left now. I was thinking earlier about what I would do if I lost him. I know I will feel a great loss and deep open wound in my being. When my mother goes I will know I’ll feel very sad. When I lose my mother I hope I will have let the anger and hate I have towards her go. God help me.
If you read my previous blogs I’ve explained the situation with my father.
Brief Sinapis: Never knew my dad. He found me and my sister on facebook in 2010.I am going to meet him, we decided at the end of May. I hope it’s the end of May and not sooner. I don’t want to lose my dad. He has become one of my best buddies. I don’t think I would have stayed sober this long had he not been there when I decided to let him in my life after a few months of sobriety. My dad is also an alcoholic. I was working when my stepmom texted me and let me know he was not doing well.
I can feel sorry for myself which is what I have done for quite a few days now or I can let that shit go, let myself feel and Trust my GOD.
I no longer talk to my mother, sister, brother and at no cost to me, my mother’s husband. First of all my mom and her husband are moving out-of-state. I had planned on not talking to her anymore when she moved…… I guess it happened sooner than I thought it would. Secondly there is no loss to me with her husband being out of my life. I still feel fucked up about it when I think about what he did to my brother. My mind is so fucked right now that when I think about the man (in no sexual way by any means) I feel body memories from when I was touched as a kid.
I have been opening up to some close people around me about where I am at mentally and emotionally. It seemed to help. I am so thankful I have the time tonight to write.
Where am I mentally and emotionally: exhausted