my last encounter with my mother was when I had a garage sale at her house before I moved to the city a few months ago.
We argued about money. With my mom money is everything. Fuck. I am so angry at her. I want to tell her all that I feel inside right now but what good would that do. There is already enough turmoil. Any who, back to the day of the garage sale… My mom tool half of the things I was selling and said she would pay me for everything that I would have sold it for. By the time I had the fucking garage sale half of my shit was gone. At the end of the day, like I thought, it was a goddamn battle. We went through everything and agreed up the total…then she found more shit. Again another battle until I threw my hands up and said, “whatever.”
God I am so fucking angry. I don’t have a mother anymore. I know most of the time I reference this situation in a positive way but deep down I love her. Growing up I took care of her. She was my hero because she was all I had. It made her angry because I began to get strong and see she is unhealthy. Fuck I was so attached to that woman.
I feel as though she is gone for good and I feel it is a very healthy thing to happen in my life.
The worst part is that I feel so angry and so upset inside. I feel like that whole part of me died: my sister, my mom, my baby brother and my sweet love, my nephew.
I am so sad I don’t have my nephew in my life. I thought of him as my little guy. I feel like he is gone too. I miss that little guy so much. I wish I could hold him.
Fuck, I am going out to buy a pack of smokes. Maybe I will blog again later. I need you God. Please help me. I am not a good person. I am an angry person. Cleanse me. Show me how to let this shit go. I am selfish, take me out of myself because I am fucking stuck.