I’ll Be Here For A While

Sitting here at the computer looking at the beautiful city; One of my favorite buildings that I have admired since I was a kid is right in front of me.

Last night I finally told them that I see shadow people and it makes me scared. I’m fucked up. Thankfully I am sober, 13 months yesterday. 

I didn’t drink. I almost was there. In AA they say if shit goings down to  pick up the phone. So, I picked up a phone and called a hotline. Perhaps this is another momentous event in my life-like 4/9/11 was.

Hours before I walked into the hospital  I sat in a tub full of hot water  for an hour or two observing the fresh plump veins that showed through my overly moistened skin. My head  was resting on the corner of the tub; my eyes gazing on the blue earthworm under my skin.  I wanted to watch the blood slowly swirl into the tub water.

Now I am here in a psych ward. They war helping me. I have a lot of shit that has happened to me that I never faced or blocked thought out the years Well it’s here to be dealt with.

I had a plan:

Cut my vein in the worm tub. Watch all of vital fluid erupt from the puncture wound like an epic eruption under the ocean. I felt as though that would be a peaceful way to go.

Thirteen months yesterday.

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3 Responses to I’ll Be Here For A While

  1. emptyoysters says:

    I’ve read your whole blog up until Jan 2, 2013, and this really looks like your lowest point. Aren’t you amazed at how far you have come!?! You hardly ever feel compelled to talk about the alcohol addiction anymore – it seems like you have it under control.

    I don’t see anyone ever having recommended to you to start therapy for your childhood physical and sexual abuse. While not a victim myself, I have many friends and family who suffered like you did, and having professional help to heal those wounds has helped them immensely. Blogging and the support you get from the AA network are also good therapy, but these don’t compare to a professional who is trained to help you with this recovery. You wouldn’t try to heal a broken bone without a doctor, right?

    A few posts later, you talk about your search for unconditional love. This is what you should have gotten from your parents growing up – if you try to find it in your other relationships, you will likely end up in a codependent or unhealthy situation. A therapist will help you find a way to be whole again, so you can build the great relationships you are looking for.

    I wish you the best on your continued journey and hope you find a path to true happiness!

    • Wow, thank you so much. Thank you for reading my whole blog…you think I am at my lowest….I am not sure. I am not suicidal and I have been many times in my life, I am definitely at one of my lowest points. As far as a therapist I am not sure how to go about finding one out here. I live in a small town in the South. From the age of 15 to just before I got married I saw quite a few therapists throughout the years. I tried to find a therapist out here and went to him for one session, he was a radical christian which I am not. I will think about what I can so out here.

      Thank you for taking the time to read all of my blogs and care so much. Your concern reminds me of my grandfather, thank you for caring.

      I hope you have a wonderful new year!

      • emptyoysters says:

        Ah, I meant this post (“I’ll Be Here For A While”), which is now almost 7 months old, looks like your lowest point. It’s clear from your writing that you’re doing much better since then!

        If you ever do feel like you’re sliding back into depression, you might have luck finding a better therapist who is committed to using science instead of religion via the Therapist Project:


        (I am not affiliated with the project in any way – I simply heard about it via a podcast I listen to.)

        Thanks, and I hope you have a great new year, too!

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