“I thought that’s what quitting drinking was, a fresh start, and look at where I am FUCKING at a year later!”

Who knows what the fuck is going on with my life. I feel numb and I am going to meet my father for the first time on the 19th. Just a few days away. I am ready. Maybe it just has not hit me yet.  I wanted my dad my whole life. I feel like a fucking fool because at nearly thirty I want so badly to be a “daddies girl”. I do just want to be in my dads arms. Maybe for the first time in my life I will feel safe; a real father. I hope that’s the case, I am moving in with them in a few months.

Did I tell you I am moving from this city that I fucking love to a state most make fun of. I can’t knock it too badly, I was born there.

Fuck  I don’t want to move. Since I got out of the hospital I don’t know where the fuck I am in life. If I die at this point I die. I am sad that I feel this way. I want to want to live. I am not thinking about killing myself.

What is my life. What am I living for? I do have my guinea pig, Simon. I told him the other day as I was getting rid of more things because I am moving cross-country, “I’m going to talk care of you Sim-Sim.” The thought his me that I am living for nothing. I have no money, medically I am FUCKED, I am so goddamn angry I want to fucking drive off a fucking bridge sometime.

My best friend took me to a movie tonight. He made a comment, “Look at it this way, you get to start over and have a fresh start, a new life.”

My response was, “I thought that’s what quitting drinking was, a fresh start, and look at where I am FUCKING at a year later!”

I just want to escape. Nothing gives me the gift of hiding in my head like alcohol did. I think about it more. I smell it and want to smell more. It’s summer and I want to sit out  on a fucking bad patio and look at the Rocky Mountains and have a beer. I know I am going to see my dad at the right time when it comes to my fucking drinking. I am still fucking sober but I am a dry drunk right now…..God.

The cocktail of meds that the Doctors prescribed to me for Bipolar 1 is kicking in. I have been diagnosed with just depression and severe anxiety, PTSD, Bipolar 2 and this last time Bipolar 1. Who the fuck knows. At this point in this journey I do think I am Bipolar 1. The antipsychotic med they prescribed is fucking close to $600 a month alone so I have not been one it. I have been taking four other meds…perhaps that’s why  I am feeling numb too…on top of the fact that I am leaving my home behind and going down south to a foreign place with people I don’t know. In the mean time, I am trying to find a reason to persevere as strongly as I maybe should.

The racing thoughts have slowed down and the anxiety has gotten better.

I don’t want to get up in the mornings and going to bed means waking up the next morning.

I am ashamed of myself. Last weekend I was supposed to work one more campaign and I no-called-no-showed. I was the driver that was suppose to take people to the site, they waited there for me for God knows how long and had to have found a way to the event. I woke up, mu alarm did not go off and I woke up nearly 4 hours late. FUCK IT was what went through my mind. I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to talk to people. I was also “seeing” the guy who was heading it and I fucked him over. I sent him an email telling him I was deeply sorry I let him down and I can not explain the reason for my absence. I didn’t want to tell him I felt so depressed that I didn’t want to move on top of the fact that I physically hurt so badly I fucking sulked pathetically in my own pain. I feel so badly that I did that to that wonderful company, my friend and the people I worked with. There is no way for me to make amends for that fuck-up at this point. I will also miss him and I wish I was able to say goodbye but now I can’t show my face to him. One of the few things I regret in my life. -Major Character default!-

I have been lying about things here and there with people. Fuck I hate the lies. I feel like a failure right now. I hope I can let some of this go over the next few days, stay afloat and sober.

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8 Responses to “I thought that’s what quitting drinking was, a fresh start, and look at where I am FUCKING at a year later!”

  1. naledge96720 says:

    Yes, stay afloat .. stay sober – not just “not drinking” – stay sober in mind as well. Thank you for being honest and real in this blog. Most of us in relationships of one kind or another with an alcoholic don’t get to hear the truth very often. It’s beautiful, painful, raw, heartfelt, and I’m thankful I got to read it.

  2. anautismdad says:

    Sometimes the sobriety road is damned hard. My wife had a miscarriage after I had been sober 5 8 months. All I knew was drinking at that point would screw up everything. The thing is to find tools to help you cope and the best tools are people. As a friend at AA says, his life is still a circus, but at least he is in charge.

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