A new day is almost here. I am going to bed soon. Church was great. I have been going to the praise and worship thing that goes on Sunday nights, that was very beneficial.
I feel very depressed. I have been questioning what moving back home will do for me….Nothing as far and I can gather. I am here. No matter where my living location is I will always be in my head, looking out through my green eyes experiencing the world with the mind that God gave me.
God, I question often why you made me like this. Why I have the parents I have and the brain chemistry that I have and the diseases…
Starting in the new day to come…when I wake up I am going to start weight watchers. A long time ago I lost a lot of weight on that program. I am also going to start walking again at night with my step-mom. I love the fall, I know the fall brings a lot of joint pain from the barometric pressure change and some seasonal depression but on a continuum I feel a change I can relate with.
I have one more pack of cigarettes and no money to spend on more. I have a month’s worth of patches. I predict by Wed I will be on the patches if not sooner, depending on the swiftness in consuming the very thing that is aiding in my father being in the ICU near death.
So to clarify, my father does have pneumonia. The pneumonia was due to the yeast that grew in his lung. They dropped his oxygen down to 40% which means he is relying less on the ventilator to breath. The doc said they are going to slowly take him off of the medication that has kept him under for a week so that his body can be fully at rest to be able to heal. My father did not respond well to being brought back to consciousness so we will see how he does. I have to trust in God.
My football team kicked butt tonight. It felt so good to be able to watch my team play. The images from back home gave me more of an incentive to get my shit together so that I can stand on my own two feet and move back home.
I am half way off of my antidepressants. I don’t have health insurance so I have had to slowly take myself off of them. I feel different. It has been nearly 12 years since I have been without a pill to change the chemicals in my brain. I have always had major depression and anxiety. Bipolar has been a question for years now but I don’t feel I am. I can say right now my emotions get the best of me. I have been able to check in with myself and internally talk though why I am feeling like I am and what I can do to change it.
Please friends, pray that whatever God is out there, the God that looks out for me will give me strength. Thank you so much for your support and love.