Acceptance

I have accepted that I live in Alabama and this is my home now. I may move again, I may end up back in Denver but for right now this is home.

I think I have a permanent client at work, a lady who is 78 with Alzheimer’s. She and I have made an amazing connection; she has not liked any other caregiver that tried to help her, I am making a difference.

My transcripts from high school and the community college I went to in Colorado should be at the community college I will attend in the Spring by the end of next week.

I went on a date with someone I met online through a dating site, it went okay. It was very hard to connect with the guy. He is not for me. I just started talking to a Navy guy I am friends with on Facebook…who the hell knows what will happen. As of right now I am in no way ready for a relationship; perhaps talking to a man that I can’t sate is a good thing.

As for my weight, shit! I gained three pounds, I now weigh 182 pounds. I am in a size 16 pants and XL tops. I printed out a pic or me from when I was around 150 pounds, size 10 and M tops…perhaps it will give me motivation. At one point in my life I was a handful over 200 pounds. I can’t go back to being that heavy.

It had been nearly two weeks since I stopped all of my antidepressants and I am doing well!

I have been doing my bible study every night and trying to trust God and find out who God is and how I can surrender my heart and soul to that Being.

Smoking cigarettes had continued to haunt me. I smoke a cigarette every now and then. I have been chewing the gum and using an electronic puffer but it’s not the same. My father, who is now in rehab from being in the hospital and nearly in a coma started smoking again. I told him that if he continues I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I said I waited 28 years to have him and now he is committing suicide and I wont take any part in it. I feel like a hypocrite though. Half of me says my addiction to smoking has nothing to do with him and the other half said I am being a fucking idiot and if I don’t quit I will end up like him. No one knows I am still smoking here and there.

On Oct 10th I spent some of the day trying to figure out why I wanted to drink so badly the day before….I contemplated getting in my car and going to the liquor store. I called my best friend (who was drinking) and told him how I was feeling. He was very supportive of my feelings but the fact that he was drunk negated the condolence he extended because I was envious of him. I spent some time looking online for things that I could take “over the counter” that might have given me the feeling of being drunk to no result, thank God. After a few hours I realized I was not behaving in a healthy manner so I resorted to working on my crafts. I got through the day but I was going crazy in my mind wanting to escape. It had been a very long time since I felt like that. I did not realize that day was the 9th; Oct 9th was my 18 months. I made it through the day of a big milestone for me but it was tough. I have not felt like that since.

I am doing pretty damn well.

Night friends. Thank you for reading and sticking with me.

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