Life is really fucking deep. Damn.

My father is on his death bed and I am sitting here thinking about why I am here and what this world will have of me.

My father refused a bath and wont keep his oxygen mask on… All he wants is pain pills. This man may be my father but only biologically. This is teaching me a hugs life lesson. I am trying to be open to what I am suppose to learn, shit what a lesson. I surround myself with dying people with what I do for a living right now and then I come home with a heavy vale of death lingering which leads me to ask when is he going to die. It’s natural for a 86-year-old man to die from a lack of oxygen but a 48-year-old man who can’t breath and wont keep on his oxygen mask because all he wants is fucking opiates is wild.

Does everyone experience what I have or am I called down a different road?

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

24 Responses to Opiates

  1. Life is often difficult and unfair. Tapping into faith is the only way through; you can’t go ‘around’ it or it will bite you. Your raw honesty helps you process what’s going on. Keep writing. YES…everyone goes through these things only most won’t talk about them. As long as you keep talking, you’ll be ok. I lost 7 siblings while I was still a kid under ten. I watched the rest of my family members get sick and die horrifically. Addiction set in when I was just 11 years old and didn’t end until many, many years later. I realize, as I pray you will too, that God is the only answer and sole comfort. The road we’re all on is one that has many detours and bumps. Just drive safely.

  2. I appreciate the honesty of your words, hold onto what’s important for you in this world, love yourself first the rest will follow!

  3. My mom died a year and a half ago. I know how you feel.
    She was my friend, my adviser, she was everything….
    The only thing I have to say that would maybe make you feel better, is.. yes, it`s natural.
    Life and death are the most natural things in the world, but we are so lost in our own ego that we don`t understand the Nature itself for a long time now, how can we then understand death?
    Don`t be affraid. Or angry. Find peace with yourself in any situation, even if it`s hard as this one is, and find it with your father before it`s too late. And when you do, tell me how.
    As someone said… Drive safely.

    • Great words…..”Don’t be afraid”

      You have an excellent point, I need to find peace in this. I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Death is very hard but like you said, it’s natural.

      And you bring up another good point, EGO. I need to work on that too. Thank you so much for your comment, it has helped me a lot. Take care of yourself.

      • Everybody has to work on their Ego, not just for not being egoistic :), but also for opening our minds and souls to another being, wheter it`s human, animal or divine. Ego prevents that, it occupies us with ourselves, with I`s and Me`s…. It prevents compassion and emphaty from evolving. And right now, you need to show emphaty and compassion to your father, nevermind how you feel about him. That will be a great thing for him, but even a greater thing for you. He is a creation of universe just as much as you and I are. Sometimes that kinda things can be hard to grasp. He is dying. That`s a pretty hard transition, don`t you think? 🙂 From one world to another…We are all in the same pot here. This life can be such a mess of irony, sarcasm and beauty it`s almost incredible. Sometimes I just wanna stand somewhere in the corner of everything and laugh my ass off, if you know what I mean? 🙂
        All I wanted to say is this… Be there for him. Nevermind how hard it is for you. Nevermind how sad it makes you feel, how painfull it is… It doesn`t matter. Another human being needs you now – give him the best of yourself you can – your attention and help. Later, you cry, get angry, get numb, dance… Whatever. But right know, be there. Forget your Ego or how YOU feel for now. It`s the best and hardest thing a human can do. But trust me, you never know where your parents will be gone for good…
        I`m sorry for this incoherent post 🙂 but I find it hard, for some reason, to tell everything there is on this subject and still make it look fine…

  4. sarahtoma says:

    hi there, You started fallowing my blog so I thought I would come check yours out. I am on my break at work so did not have much time, but the few posts I read were very honest and open. I hope that you find some relief from blogging. sometimes Just getting your feelings out really helps. I will not pretend to know you, how could I, But All I can say is keep your head up. look for the beauty in life, and focus on the things you have control over in life.

  5. dee fairchild says:

    hi,thanks for coming by my blog, i hope clicking on the broken and the relentless optimist tags may help if you need not to feel alone…i choose to not even know if my parents are alive or dead because after they kept giving my address to an attacker (but it’s so embarrassing to say no!) i had to move 500 miles and change my name to feel safe…that was nearly 20 years ago, and it was so the right decision…my life has gained momentum ever since, i have done really solid therapy work, had a lovely marriage and survived his sudden death by ‘healthy man’ heart attack (the kind footballers and marathon runners get) i went on an art course in 97 and had my first solo show in 2001, now i have fibro and had an accident that damaged my hands but i am still making art and being happy and bringing loving support to many – i say all this, not to brag, but so you know : it is possible! i have 22 1/2 years recovery but have done most of it as a loner as no appropriate fellowships available where i now live…love yourself for being your wonderful authentic self, re-parent yourself, draw on what anyone ever gave you that was good, you will make it…if nothing else, keep on, keeping on…
    i send you hugs!

    • Wow, that brings me to tears. You are a beautiful person and strong. Thank you for reading what I have written. The inspiration you have given me in this small amount you shared is boundless.

  6. sarahtoma says:

    also, I cannot figure out how to fallow your blog. I am still pretty new on here, still learning ha ha

  7. Remember that we are all here for a reason. You didn’t choose to be born and you cannot choose whether or not you want to leave this planet. You each have a purpose that no one else can accomplish but YOU! Each one’s gifts are enormously important and, oftentimes, they remain unknown to us as to when we give them out. Trust your purpose.

  8. musicgal2012 says:

    Hi, I’m sorry for your pain. Life is a hard journey and we all get a good kicking as we trudge along its pathways. However, there is a lot of love in this world also. All you have to do is reach out for it. As frustrating as it is you cannot control the situation only observe as it unfolds. Seek peace with yourself. I send you virtual hugs and love. 🙂

  9. Hi – I went through the first 25 years of my life in the darkest, saddest, most unbelievable place because of my parents; a situation that wasn’t under my control. My mother was a schizophrenic and my father was a sociopath; he actually died last year in a federal prison at the age of 72 – he ended up spending much of his life there. I often thought about suicide and couldn’t imagine any other life, there was only darkness, sadness and fear. Every day I’d have to go to school or work or whatever and pretend everything was ok. I remember wondering if every other kid had a horrible family like mine, and if they did, how could they be so happy and confident? Only when I was able to get away from my family, truly on my own and start to really depend on myself for everything – even raising my own beautiful little family – did my life turn around and the light and happiness start to shine in. I have a GREAT life now, one that I could’ve never imagined. I often think about all that I would’ve missed had I taken the suicide route! Life can be terribly cruel and unfair, but it can also be beautiful,happy, and even magical. Trust in God, I couldn’t have made it without his help. I will say prayers for you. *hugs*

    • Hi! Thank you so much for your support! You went through a hell of a lot in life, I have drawn a lot of strength from your writing. You had mentioned not feeling confident when you were a child due to your circumstances and I can greatly relate to that. You are right about learning to depend on yourself, I feel I am in that process. Thank you for the hugs and positive energy!

    • I admire your raw honesty. The Truth is what sets a person free. The Truth & GOD, of course. Your life matters. Always trust your gut!

  10. Irish says:

    Hello there. You followed my blog so I thought of checking out your blog. Then i saw this post and also your other posts. I’m sorry for what’s happening in your life. Life is not easy. We all know that. But if we’re willing and determined, we will find the right path in our life and learn a lot of things. But we can also try the other paths in our life and have some adventure. But we should always learn something from our experiences. You take care of yourself. x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s