I am going on a “date” with my step-mom tonight, I am really excited… I think I will dress up a little. There is not much to do in these neck of the woods so I am making the best of my “night out”.
She is in good spirits.
GOOD THOUGHTS: I went out to get a pack of cigarettes… yes one of the tools my father used to get into this situation; my next battle with myself. Actually, smoking is a huge battle and I feel guilty EVERY TIME I grab one…. And I was thinking about my father and the glasses he got me when I first met him this summer and how much I loved being with him. He was the father I was hoping for.
The other night I left one of the two pair of glasses he gave me at a new friends house. I felt desperate thinking that I can’t lose those glasses, my father got them for me and I remember how proud I was to be with my father when I got them. I had not gotten glasses since I was in my teens and I needed them badly….he got them for me.
I did have some great times with my father when he was not like this. When I came out to meet him this summer I remember thinking about how awesome it was to be cruising around with him listening to Queen (One of my favorite bands). We sang together. I called him daddy, finally I had a DAD. So much of me wonders if the time with him was worth it…perhaps that’s why I feel so fucking sad inside.
I have come a long way, this WONT bring me down!!!