Good Thoughts

I am going on a “date” with my step-mom tonight, I am really excited… I think I will dress up a little. There is not much to do in these neck of the woods so I am making the best of my “night out”.

She is in good spirits.

GOOD THOUGHTS: I went out to get a pack of cigarettes… yes one of the tools my father used to get into this situation; my next battle with myself. Actually, smoking is a huge battle and I feel guilty EVERY TIME I grab one…. And I was thinking about my father and the glasses he got me when I first met him this summer and how much I loved being with him. He was the father I was hoping for.

The other night I left one of the two pair of glasses he gave me at a new friends house. I felt desperate thinking that I can’t lose those glasses, my father got them for me and I remember how proud I was to be with my father when I got them. I had not gotten glasses since I was in my teens and I needed them badly….he got them for me.

I did have some great times with my father when he was not like this. When I came out to meet him this summer I remember thinking about how awesome it was to be cruising around with him listening to Queen (One of my favorite bands). We sang together. I called him daddy, finally I had a DAD. So much of me wonders if the time with him was worth it…perhaps that’s why I feel so fucking sad inside.

I have come a long way, this WONT bring me down!!!

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26 Responses to Good Thoughts

  1. jkfacee says:

    Hope your date night was fun. Keep smiling. (:
    And thanks for stopping by my blog!

  2. Hi there. I just wanted to come by and thank you for subscribing to our blog. I have read several of your archived posts, and I want to say that I am truly humbled by the experiences life has given to you, and by your strength, courage, and determination to overcome those obstacles in your path to happiness and freedom. Keep up the good work, Lost Companion. You may not know it, but you are changing lives with every post you make…

  3. Thanks so much for following my blog. Have a high five for courage. Don’t you sometimes feel you are over being brave all the time? Don’t you hate that saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” Hold on to your vision of education, a creative career, and a relationship that brings joy to you both.
    Every morning, think of one small step you can take today towards each goal. You’ll never control everything in your life, but take baby steps towards the things you can control, and before you know it, you’ll be running! I wish you satisfaction, contentment, serenity and soaring joy.

    • THANK YOU so much for the virtual high-five, I love it!

      Is there really such a thing as over brave in this world? I think I am taking so much “me time” right now before I get close to crumbling so that I can be brave, if that makes any sense.

      Your words really helped me tonight, I needed to read this tonight!!!

  4. Hi I would like to say thank you for liking my blog.

    Also thank you for sharing your feelings & thoughts in your blog. I am excited to follow your blog and am sending you positive energy through your struggles. I am struggling too in life, figuring out my educational pathway…and in general pathway through life. Who isn’t struggling right? But I always count my blessing and thank God for every day I am given nonetheless. =)

    I like Queen too! =D I hope you have a wonderful evening with your step-mom.

  5. sarahtoma says:

    Enjoy your night out 🙂

  6. David Emeron says:

    Every night is a good night when we may enjoy our lives in good company.

  7. myprojection says:

    I’ve just been reading some of your posts and I can’t help myself from crying. I see so much of myself inside, yet such a distance. Thank you for sharing your world.

  8. Ron Chapman says:

    A whole going on. Don’t forget to breathe deeply and often. It’s grounding. And self-caring. Good advice received long ago from a spiritual teacher.

  9. leyaevelyn says:

    Thanks for visiting my blog! You are a very brave person. I really find your openness refreshing to read!

  10. decadentdal says:

    hey, thanks for the “likes” on my blog. You have some pretty raw stuff here that I look forward to checking out. hang tight and always remember the good little things 🙂

  11. angstycrayon says:

    I smoke 😦 25-a-day. I did give up after 4 years in 2010 but started again in August this year. I was lucky in that my dad gave up smoking 30 years ago after his own dad died from it. Otherwise he could very much be dead by now.

  12. Hi!
    At first thank you for following my blog! I hope my posts will be little lights for you.
    About the smoking and feeling guilty… Try not feeling guilty about it. We all know smoking is very unhealthy, so that’s clear. Maybe you can try to search for the ‘why’ of you’re smoking and for now just accept that at the moment you are a smoker . When you accept and come to know why you smoke, you won’t even need it anymore… But as long as you fight it/don’t accept it, it will only get bigger.
    Just answer yourself; what does smoking tell you? what are you holding in?
    Good luck on everything, Merel

  13. Thank you for sharing your life with us, I really look forward to your next blog post. Keep hanging on! =)

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