Why Am I Here?

Why am I here? Am I on this earth to create and give?

I feel sad. I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I worked today for three hours. I went and said hi to my step-mom at her job after I got off…then I came home. I have been sitting on this chair for an hour and a half now. I just turned off the TV and grabbed my computer.

I have so much to say and so much to get out.

I feel like I have a ton of thoughts and ideas about my life that I try to focus on…I try to look at the brighter side. I am trying to focus on the now and have beautiful dreams for my future but I feel like things are going at a slow pace.

I do work again tomorrow.

I decided (after a nice conversation and some good advice from my grandma) that I want to go to a tech school for graphic design.  I will be 29 in February, I don’t want to start over! UGH!!!

My boyfriend and I had a unsettling conversation last night. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he said, “not at the present time.” I asked him if he was planning on sleeping with anyone else and he said, “No.” He asked me if I was sleeping with anyone else and of-course I said no. He said he would be okay if I wanted to, I have that freedom. .. . … .. Well lets just say that ended the night. I handled myself well, it was about the time to leave anyway. I did say that I see where he is coming from and I can respect that.

The fact of the matter is I can respect that. I like him a lot, a lot to the point of not sleeping with other people and I thought he was there too. He called me after I left but I told him I think we are on two different paths. He said he didn’t know if we were exclusive and I told him I thought we were. I kept the conversation short.

I don’t know what to do about that. Today he said I misunderstood his intention in saying that. He said he does not want to be the reason I can’t do things if I want to but he wouldn’t care for it happening. He also said, “On other words, I’d not stop you but I wouldn’t be happy.” I asked him about the, “not at the present time” comment and he said he was seeing someone when he met me but it was all about the sex.

I am not sure what to take from that and what to do……

My last thought: Perhaps a good plan would be to stay here and get my education (whichever avenue I go down) and save money from working to go back to Denver when I am done with school.

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7 Responses to Why Am I Here?

  1. abitjuakali says:

    I personally disagree with that idea – I believe that if one is in a committed relationship, their physical interaction should be between those two individuals.

    • Cool thanks, that’s what I thought. Now I decide if I end it or not. Ending it means not having a companion out here and that sucks!

      • abitjuakali says:

        I’m sorry. :/ I guess it’s a question of whether it’s worth it to you. Not really any of my business.

        I hope you’re able to make the choice with a clear mind, whatever that choice may be. We, your avid readers, are here for support. 🙂

  2. mercedesm says:

    I’m not sure how long you dated your boyfriend for, but it sounds like you’ve already made the “right” choice (whatever that means), the better choice for you. Frankly, I find the “not at the present moment” defense to be a cop-out and another away to avoid committing to a person both emotionally and physically. Don’t be afraid to make yourself happy!

  3. mynewtruth3 says:

    Wow. You’ve got a tough situation on your hands. My lost companion has those feelings about me, and I have slept with anyone in at least six years. The fact I am in a relationship right now with a person who doesn’t want to – could be the reason.

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