My Journey is One Crazy Story

I was thinking today about all that has been going on in my life, where I have come from and where I have settled for the time being….It has been a journey of hope….HOPE is how I see me.

I have had a lot new viewers read my blog lately and I have to say your support and comments have touched me in ways that can’t be explained. I wish I could give everyone who sent me a sweet comment a hug.

To sum up my story….

I was born where I now live, in the Southern part of the USA. When my twin-sister and I were 9-months-old my mother took us from our father, never to see him again. Come to find out later in life, my father and my step-mom had been looking for us all the time we were away from them. My mother did well for 26 years but through facebook me and my twin were found by my step-mom.

My twin-sister and I were severely abused by our step-father when we were little children. The man was German but grew-up in France. His parents were in some way related to the Nazi’s…the proof of that was the torture my twin and I went to.

The basement of our house growing-up was our dungeon. He use to lock us down there when he did not want anything to do with us. I didn’t mind the basement, we were away from him and when I was down there I would play barbies and get in my own world. The worst part of being down there was needing to use the bathroom. We were not to interrupt him when we needed to use the bathroom so we urinated in a corner, never to let him know.

I lived in a constant state of fear when he did want us around. He use to try to teach me math when we were home from school in the summer. He didn’t work and my mom worked night shifts at the hospital as an RN so he had us plenty. He would wake me and my sister up at 3 a.m. to work math problems kids were learning their junior year of high school, not math 8 year-old did in school. I remember how loopy I felt one specific time, I was tired and scared. I missed all of the problems so he gave me a choice. I could get “it” six times hard before I went back to bed or 12 times the next morning, not as hard. I remember sitting at the kitchen table thinking, I chose to get hit 12 times the next day…I remember thinking I should have picked six then when I was back in bed. I decided then I was going to choose to just get it over with from then on.

The next problem was having to decide which tool he would use to hit us with. At times he would lay out things like a shoe, wrench, his hand or rope. I hope I picked the shoe looking back, I can’t remember it all.

For quite a few years after we got home from school we were told to drop our pants and if there was anything on our underwear after he inspected us we would get beaten. I use to bring extra underwear to school and keep it in my cubbie. One day in second grade I dropped the cubbie and the whole class saw my extra underwear, I was so embarrassed. I think that was the first time I wanted to fade away. After that the feeling of wanting to fade away became my companion…every time my mom left to work an overnight shift or when I was walking home from school and turned the corner of the culdesac saw the house, knowing he was inside waiting.

He would pick me or my sister to be on his team. The teammate was his friend who planned mean things to do to the other. One time when I was on his team he thought it would be funny to strip my sister down and put her in a box in the basement in a room that had no windows. He cut a whole just big enough for water and slowly let water from a water bottle drip down on her.

He used a tool on me, not my sister, called the martinet. It was a piece of wood that was a few inches round with a dozen or so pieces of rope duck-tape tapped to it and knots at the end of the ropes. He always kept it in the kitchen on top of the fridge. When I would do something “bad” (we were not bad children, very good children that just wanted love) he would take me into the kitchen (sometimes have me strip off my clothes) and whip me with it. At some point my mother, noticing the bruises and marks from the rope told him to stop using it on me because the bruises could be seen and she threw it in the trash….that didn’t last long tho, he got it out and put it right back on the fridge. My mother showed the neighbor my bruises, my mother had me lift up my shorts and show her; they both told me to stop wearing shorts.

Any who, that is just a dip into my world as a small child. That man stayed in our lives from the time we were six to 12-years-old.  After that I spent my teens taking care of my bipolar mother who was always suicidal, my little brother who is 8 years younger than me and the house chores. My twin-sister was always fighting with my mother, at times physically. I wanted peace, I was the peace-maker.

On New Years Eve of 2000 my mother kicked me and my sister out because I refused to make dinner for my brother because she was the mom, not me. I ended up asking two people I had only known a month; 64-year-old retired catholic school teacher and business owner and 65-year-old retired GS15 government employee if we could live with them and they said yes. Their grandson happened to be my best friend and he introduced us to them a month earlier, by chance… amazing how it all works out.

So three years ago my step-mom found me and my sister on facebook. It was crazy. I didn’t want anything to do with them when I was still drinking…I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone. A few months after I quit drinking I started calling my father, who was also in recovery…..he became my best bud. This summer I met my dad and step-mom and little sister for the first time in my life. I always wanted to know my father…growing up I called both my step-fathers dad, I wanted to be a daddy’s girl so badly. I moved out her, the South, from Denver in July to get to know my dad… I am so thankful I did. My daddy passed away on Nov 22, 2012. He was my bud…He is my bud.

*Normally I check my writing before I post it but this is not something I want to re-read, I just want to shed some light on the world I am coming from, my journey with you. I apologize for any errors or misspelling.

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62 Responses to My Journey is One Crazy Story

  1. rizzlington says:

    This was a very poignant read. I’m sorry that you have had to deal with so much 😦

  2. Nifelhein says:

    An extremely hard and tough road. I can only tell you something I have learned myself: don’t expect the worse, give yourself a chance to be surprised, your father came back to your life that way, surprising you.

    Stay open, there is more out there for you, I know it.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. I am amazed how people survive the toughest of childhoods – not unwounded – but determined to make the best of what they have.

  4. Cassandra says:

    Oh, my goodness. This situation was absolutely awful for you and your sister – far beyond the pale! That you know what all of those torture tools are called due to your personal experiences with them makes my heart break.

    I’m glad you’ve survived, but I hope you can get to a point where you can thrive. My condolences for the passing of your real father.

  5. I really commend you on your courage. I know that wasn’t easy to do. Keep up your writing. It’s healing in itself. I guess an upside is your step-mom found you and that you were able to know your real dad. That’s a big blessing. xo

  6. I came to your blog through you liking mine and this is the first piece I’ve read. I just want to say I think you’re remarkable and it brings me much hope, for the human family in general, to read this story and see where you’ve got to, from where you’ve been – what a journey, and what courage and strength to turn it around and to see the positives and the blessings amongst so much abuse and suffering. You write extremely well, thanks for sharing.

  7. I hardly have words. I’m so sorry for what they did to you. The courage it took you to blog this is incredible. I’m very sorry that you lost your father.

  8. icanonlygrow says:

    This was an incredible read and shed light on some interesting subjects that are rarely talked about, kept under the rug. Your writing is extremely powerful and drew me in quickly, keep doing what you are doing. Obviously what happened in your past didn’t affect you negatively for your future, because you’re a beautiful writer!

  9. Seasweetie says:

    As hard as that was for me to read, it must have been infinitely harder for you to write – and unimaginably hard to live through. What a strong woman you are. I admire you for the steps you are taking in your life to move ahead and be positive. You are right, it is a journey. I look forward to being able to share it with you in some small measure.

  10. Mia says:

    Remember, sweet One, you are and always been your Heavenly Pappa’s girl. Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story. Much love XX
    Mia

  11. lesrainbows says:

    You let it out, good for you. You are not lost, you are on your way.

  12. Your blog is an inspirational and courageous read. Thank you for sharing it. Keep writing and good luck with everything. You’re strong enough to be somebody great.

  13. Wow.. no one should ever have to go through that.. but you are strong! I’ll be following your blog

  14. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what you have gone through. You seem to have learned the lesson that we have the power to remake ourselves and I am so glad for that and for you sharing your wisdom with us. I’ll be following your blog.

  15. Dr Bill says:

    Thank you for sharing your journey of your life. You have kept an amazing balance. It is difficult to stay centered with such extremes. Thanks again. Take care and be well. Bill

  16. This must have been difficult to write. Thank you for sharing it. The beauty of life is the unwritten potential of what is ahead. The hardships will stay with you, but not as brightly as the goods times with you father.

  17. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to live through that, but it is clear that your strength and courage got you through and can bring you through whatever lies ahead. I was thinking of Dory from Finding Nemo when I was reading this… “Just keep swimming!” 🙂

  18. robin claire says:

    Dear Leslie
    I went through a very hard childhood as well – and I am also a twin. It’s been a very interesting trip to read your posts and to know I’m not the only one who went through the shredder growing up. I know I had it hard but I also know that there are many other people who had it hard – or harder – too.
    robin claire

  19. I’m sorry you had to go through all of this, but I think you are extremely brave, facing your past like this.

  20. Amazing story…and by amazing I mean terrible, brutal yet inspiring. I’m a school counselor and have seen much of the tragic neglect and abuse parents and “care givers” inflict upon innocent lives. I am so grateful you were able to find your father and you and your sister found loving people to care for you. Many children end up in foster care, which in my experience isn’t much of an improvement. I am astonished by your story and inspired by your recovery.

    • Thank you. In high school I was very close to my counselor, she taught me a lot. Your job is very important, thank you for doing what you do.

      And thank you for your support. I don’t feel like I am recovering…I feel sad.

  21. coreyaker says:

    Dear ‘lostcompanion’,
    Although I don’t think you wrote this to garner sympathy, I cannot help but sympathize for you because of what you’ve been through. I have prayed and will continue to keep you in my prayers as you are working to understand a childhood that is quite incomprehenible. May the Lord guide you, strengthen you, comfort you, and grant you a peace and love that only He can give.
    Sincerely,
    Corey

  22. You are precious. I’m glad you found my blog.

    I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through, and I’m very sorry about your dad. It makes perfect sense why you’re struggling. It’s just time for you to be set free from all of this past stuff, so you can live the rest of your life in freedom. I pray for your healing and for the life of love and peace you SO deserve.

    We can heal from anything.

    • Yes, set free! I want freedom, love and peace. Thank you for your prayers and for writing to me. I am very sad right now but I know this too shall pass. Your support means more than you know 🙂

      • Sadness is such a painful emotion. I’m learning it won’t kill me and it won’t last forever (even though it sure feels like it). Keep walking…and I will, too. 🙂

  23. UpbeatFeminist says:

    What a sad story, and I thank you for having the strength to share with us. I am very sorry to hear about your father, but I am very glad you got to know him.
    Don’t worry about any spelling errors or grammar, it turned out perfect, your strength gives me strength.

  24. Diana says:

    Very, very hard to read. I fought back tears, + I’m not a cry-er at all.

    You are brave ! You are strong ! You are…. taking good care of yourself. I am awed.

    Sending you lots of healing love, compassion, and most of all, peace, for your heart and soul.
    Diana

  25. Lilly says:

    Oh honey. I am so sorry for what you had to go through and that you lost your Dad. Reading that made me cry. I’m glad you at least got to form that friendship with him before he passed away. How sad it would have been if you never had that.

    My story is different to yours but also an abusive childhood of continual walking on eggshells due to parental mental illness. I have often wondered if this created my lifelong anxiety and how much of a role that has played in my self-medicating. (No history of drug or alcohol abuse in my family other than me – I think it became my coping strategy and from there addiction grew.)

    Big hugs to you. xo

    • Thank you Lilly, you are right, I am so lucky to have been close to him. I love my father dearly.

      I am so sorry you had to go through abuse as a child. I believe the alcohol was my self-medication too. Thank you for sharing this journey with me!

  26. Shaina B. says:

    I’m sorry that you had to endure so much…thank you for sharing your story.

  27. needawitness says:

    Your story is a very moving one. I’m so glad you are now able to write about it and that you could know your father before he passed away. I’m so sorry for your loss. You have amazing strength in you. xx

  28. anewfreelife says:

    Oh my goodness. You liked my post, and I just wanted to know who you are. What I found was an amazingly strong, brave, and tender human being. I am in awe.

  29. Thank you for sharing your story. Good luck with everything in this new chapter of your life! Best wishes to you!

  30. Cicci says:

    Just came in here today and wow, what an amazing strong person you are who can share things like that! My upbringing have too many similarity’s with yours, so know the struggle to get past it and move on. I spent too many years trying to forget, but in the end realised that the only option is to learn to live with it really, understanding that some answers we will never get.. You are strong, brave and best of all you got out alive.. Wish you all the luck and safety in the world! 🙂

    • I got out alive. Thank you for reminding me of that, I needed to see this comment today. Thank you for reading my blog, I am sorry you had a hard childhood too, we are not alone.

      I wish you an amazing new year, friend!

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