Tired Thought

My fear my whole life growing up was someone I loved dying. I use to stand by the front door when my mother would go to work and I had to stay with the French man who abused me. I was always so scared she would die while out and I would be stuck with him.

I wanted my father my whole life. I am angry that he is not here. I am sad that his life was so short in mine. I don’t know what to do with what is inside of me, I want to scream.

I cried a lot today. I took myself to see a movie, Life of Pi, it was perfect for where I am at. Where am I at anyway. I am not where I ever thought I would be. I feel like only having my father for 6 months out of 28 years is not fair.

My little sister reminds me of him, I think that is where the anxiety had been coming from. She came home yesterday from college and will be home for two to three weeks. I feel like she coming home is like exposing an open wound that had been covered for a few weeks since she went back to college after my father’s funeral. It’s noting bad on her…I just don’t know what to do.

Christmas is pretty much here, man I hate that this all went on between the holidays, death is not fun when it’s the “most wonderful time of the year!” I know I am being very negative.

I am tired, time for bed.


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29 Responses to Tired Thought

  1. Jason says:

    Just keep reading and writing. You can get through it!

  2. LostCompanion,
    You will find Hope and Love in Jesus. If you don’t know Jesus as your Personal Savior Please visit my blog again and see the page ” Do you Know Jesus?” Even though it is a long page I encourage you to read the whole page and if you have any questions feel free to contact me. Even if you DO know Jesus as your personal Savior I still encourage you to go read that page as it may jolt a remembrance to you as to how much Jesus Loves You. He does!

  3. I’m also sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my daddy to a drunk driver in 1993. So I can totally understand.

  4. DinoJax says:

    my father is a drug addict. at some point in my life i turned from waiting for him to return to being terrified that he would return. holidays are never really a happy time for me either.

  5. Teresa Cleveland Wendel says:

    What a bittersweet opening sentence. Write through the pain. It will help you heal. Wishing you well…………….

  6. i’m sorry you’re in such pain. xo Christmas i don’t think is the most wonderful time of year for many. you’re not alone.

  7. ramanan50 says:

    Sad that you are in pain.
    Please understand that there are certain things in Life we can do nothing about.
    Remember every one has their own sorrows and bereavements..
    The thought that that they are no more saddens one..
    Try to strengthen your mind by repeatedly thinking that your Father is away on on a trip or he lives some where else..
    Mind has this habit of believing some thing if repeated.
    Once you get this idea planted in your mind ,at some point your mind will come to terms with the Reality one day with much less pain and will accept the loss..
    Relations in Life are like log of woods being tossed about by waves in the ocean,they get together for a while while they are carried by the waves, and scatter around when the next wave hits them.
    This is not philosophical advice..
    But from one who at one time(at the age of (29) lost eight of his blood relatives, wife in three years,went through unbearable pain(in fact (still it lingers) and now finding solace in my children and grand children.
    Cheer up.

    • Wow, you are an amazing human being to have been through all you have. Thank you for taking the time to write to me with some wonderful advise. Thank you for your support my friend, I wish you well this holiday season!

  8. Peace is difficult to find, but if you work at, one day it will just appear. Hugs.

  9. when you feel like this, go outside in nature, study the delicate flowers, touch a leaf, and touch God. And know He is holding you. Ask for peace. It WILL come. then go back inside and write about it some more!! If that doesn’t work get in your car and drive down an empty road and scream….until you are hoarse…either way, you will feel peace. 🙂

  10. Fitri says:

    You know, you have to understand that there is wisdom behind every thing that happens in life. You may not know it now, but take a step back in life and re-assess your purpose. Do not look for a ‘quick-fix’ to resolve this tiredness that’s lagging you behind. Really ask yourself the ultimate purpose in life. Take time to contemplate and understand this question very, very well. Once you find the solution, it’ll open the doors of happiness in your life. Good luck 😉

  11. Dear Lost Compaign ~ My heart and love are with you. My Christmas present to you is to send you Divine Light and Love, so that you come to realize, which you may have already, that you are an amazing, beautiful soul sharing your life experience now on the Earth. I thank God because you are here, sharing your story. Your and my story have many common experiences. I literally know how you feel. The good news is that you have first of all, survived. Yes, this is good news. Might I suggest you acknowledge the truth of your life, which you have. Then, without denying the reality of your life, acknowledge the past, and imagine putting these memories in a box with a lid on it, to be dealt with at a later date if and when you want to, and never if you do not want to. It is a healing practice that works to be able to move on, and not stay stuck in the past. It is a mental action that feels good and empowering to do “something” with the past, without keeping you stuck there, and allows you to move forward without negative emotion. What I did was to give this box to God, because God alone is the judge, with justice far better than anyting I can think of. From this precious moment onward, soak up all the wonder-filled experiences, the abundance of all good things, in the very moment they occur. This does not deny the past, but allows you the freedom to be fully human, experiencing all of the joys and good things life has to offer. In this way, you validate the goodness and kindness of life as it comes to you. The history of your past, is the past. You have learned valuable lessons of what you do want, and what you do not want in your life now; how you want to live a life of integrity and honor. You no longer need to live with abuse in your life. It is so powerful to realize that. Once you were a victim. You can decide not to live the life of victimhood any longer. What you focus on grows. I suggest not wasting one more moment fueling your past by thoughts of history. Instead, I suggest relishing the new page, the open door to your life from this day forward. It can be whatever you want it to be. Focus on the positive energies, the healing energy of loving your sister and others in the way you see fit.Treasure your sister and enjoy your present moments with her. Life is too short. Put aside the negative thoughts that enter your mind, not denying them as they come in to your mind, but immediately sending them to the dysfunctional storage box of negative energies. That is not denying them, but rather using your God-given free will to chose to live a life of positive, healing energy, filling up all the places in your heart, mind and soul, with Divine Love and Light. Whatever you focus on grows, so only grow the things you want in your life. The Divine is closer to you than your next breath. I know you know all this already. I send you this support from my heart. You do not have to post this if you do not want to. I AM simply sharing a heart to heart moment. I wish you the abundance of all good things, Love and Light. Namaste, Lin

    • Lin! Thank you for giving part of you to me…why would I not post this, you are amazing….this is amazing!

      One of many of the comments you made that made an impression on me is this: God-given free will to chose to live a life of positive, healing energy, filling up all the places in your heart, mind and soul, with Divine Love and Light.

      Wow…I am blown away, thank you for taking this time to write such a beautiful letter to me. I have read your comment a few times now, so much wisdom and positive energy to take from it….THANK YOU LIN!

      • I find it a very special moment that our paths have crossed at this momentus time in humanity’s history. It is no accident we shared this encouragement to rise our thoughts, words and actions, to the Light and Love without conditions and judgments. This will make us whole and healthy with a contagious enthusiasm that will heal the world. Lin

  12. I’m new to your blog…and thank you for visiting/following mine. It’s a tough time for you on several levels. I appreciate your honesty and openness to those who comment – it seems they are giving some very good suggestions. I don’t know what to say right now, but am so sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

    • Thank you for the thoughts and prayers…the best gifts in the world!

      My blog friends are giving me great advise but most importantly am finding i am not alone! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and comments, your support means the world to me 🙂

  13. Katie says:

    You are not alone. Holidays are hard always for me. This year especially. Take the time to grieve and feel your feelings. Realize that they are ok to have. And when you do have those moments of joy, it is not a betrayal of the one you lost. Joy/Sadness can co-exist. I am sorry for your loss.

    • Hello Katie, thank you for reading my blog. I am sorry the holidays are hard for you…UGH!

      I never thought about it but joy/sadness can co-exist, awesome. Thank you for your support!

  14. Mama MB died just after Thanksgiving, though I’m sad you only had 6 months with your Dad. So sorry for your loss, well wishing vibes in the air for you 🙂 -Hang in there. They keep telling me we’ll make it through this… It’s hard, I know.

    • THANK YOU for the positive VIBES friend! It is hard and I hope you are doing well, we can make it through this…we are! Thank you for reading my posts and for your great comment!

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