My fear my whole life growing up was someone I loved dying. I use to stand by the front door when my mother would go to work and I had to stay with the French man who abused me. I was always so scared she would die while out and I would be stuck with him.
I wanted my father my whole life. I am angry that he is not here. I am sad that his life was so short in mine. I don’t know what to do with what is inside of me, I want to scream.
I cried a lot today. I took myself to see a movie, Life of Pi, it was perfect for where I am at. Where am I at anyway. I am not where I ever thought I would be. I feel like only having my father for 6 months out of 28 years is not fair.
My little sister reminds me of him, I think that is where the anxiety had been coming from. She came home yesterday from college and will be home for two to three weeks. I feel like she coming home is like exposing an open wound that had been covered for a few weeks since she went back to college after my father’s funeral. It’s noting bad on her…I just don’t know what to do.
Christmas is pretty much here, man I hate that this all went on between the holidays, death is not fun when it’s the “most wonderful time of the year!” I know I am being very negative.
I am tired, time for bed.