Moving

I am moving…moving in a lot of ways.

I feel like I am moving on from the “deep depression” I was in the last week or two. I can try to accept the fact that my father is gone from this world and just accepting that fact is giving me peace. I miss him but I miss living and staying that depression takes the life I love from me. The depression comes in little sprits but does not last long. I am able to accept the cold wind when I feel pain from the RA in my body and not wallow in the fact that I hurt because hurting is not what it use to be. I can move on. Moving can mean many things. I see my sadness get taken away in the breeze and I am in reality. The wind is moving and so must I.

One of my favorite movies as a child was Castaway. I saw the movie in theaters probably three times and took a mini tape recorder in with me once so I could listen to the movie when I was home in bed. At the time I think I was thirteen. The “french man” was gone, it had probably been a year. We were still in the house he molested and abused me and my twin in.    That was probably when my “deep depression” started.

I would lay in bed and listen to the movie on the small tape recorder and picture what I saw. I remembered feeling so sad that the castaway lost his friend, Wilson; an imaginary friend he made out of a ball that had a red hand-print on it. I felt sad he was alone. I was alone and I was so sad. The pain from my past and the uncertainty of my future was a dark blanket over me; a hood I could not remove.

I loved the transition in the movie where he came to acceptance and just lived on that island. The island meant something just as much as the first time he discovered the milk inside of a coconut. I knew what my island was and I had to accept it. Much like I feel I am on a path of acceptance that my father is gone from this earth.

Speaking of….throughout this process the last few weeks I have lost touch with the spiritual side of me. I know I am still present in spirit but there is something there blocking it from healing me. Perhaps my healing is a gradual process….muck like the time it took for the castaway to build up enough courage to decided to want to live and not end his life.

One last thought on MOVING> My mind is not moving like it had been the last few weeks. I struggle a lot with guilt that I added in my father first getting ill. When I moved here to the South from Denver, Colorado I worked on a lot of art projects and crafts. I sold things online and really enjoyed spending my time doing it. My father never had a craft buddy and he was an excellent artist, I wish he had done more. We became instant craft buddies and he went into a bipolar manic episode. My sister and step-mom have told me many times that he did that every year in the fall. The year prior he was in the same condition at about the same time. His bipolar seemed to be heavily affected the seasons. The last week he was home he slept on average three hours a day but they were little naps. He was not taking his medication when he normally did because his schedule became so off. He was a diabetic and was not eating like he should have and smoked a carting of cigarettes in three to four days. He was fun and creative and taught me a lot when it came to different things to create with…but he could not stop. The last few nights I gently talked to him about his state. I told him I thought he was in a manic state and tried to watch his med intake. At the time I tried to keep my composure but I was sad and angry…I knew he was getting very ill and fast. The last night he was home before my step-mom took him to the ER I stayed up with him until 4am. I was scared. Now is the time to let that fear and sadness go and enjoy life. I think the more I focus on enjoying my life and being at peace the healthier I become.

-I am not going to go back and proofread this blog. I typed a lot about things I don’t want to see again…I apologize if there are errors.

Thank you for reading friend.

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33 Responses to Moving

  1. Seasweetie says:

    Moving on is good. Healing from grief – and abuse – is something that occurs in fits and starts, so love and be patient with yourself if you fall back into the bad feelings. And remember, depression lies. Proud of you!

  2. Pen says:

    Glad to hear you are moving in many ways. Stagnation is one of the greatest enemies to the mental-health world.
    Wishing you warm thoughts ❤

  3. Glad you’re beginning to feel better. 🙂

  4. kanzensakura says:

    Glad you are feeling better – it will ebb and flow. My father died 30 years ago and I still miss him! Somedays I cry, but more often than not, I remeber his goodness, his sweetness and hugeness of heart – his most excellent fried chicken! All things come with time – peace, resolution, comfort. Keep on going. Never give up. Come visit me sometime. Sometimes I actually say something that might make someone smile. maybe you! 🙂

  5. Mia says:

    Thank you for such a raw heartfelt post. I am glad you didn’t proof read your words for you left your heart intact. Just keep looking up to your ever- present Father who watches over you with so much love and compassion. Talk to Him about everything for He cares deeply for you!
    Much love
    Mia

  6. dayphoto says:

    Our oldest daughter lost her husband in July…it was shocking and totally a surprise. She decided two months ago to start dating again. Not because she didn’t miss him, but because she did. She loves him very much. But one of the things he always wanted was to be with him Mom again (she died many years ago when he was younger) How she is able to sort of move on is to tell herself Buddy is happy and with his Mom, she needs to find some happiness also. So she is going out, but nothing serious and it is helping.

    Linda
    http://coloradofarmlife.wordpress.com
    http://deltacountyhistoricalsociety.wordpress.com

    ¸.•*¨*•♪♫♫♪Merry Christmas to you ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸♥
    ˜”*°•.˜”*°•.˜”*°•.★★.•°*”˜.•°*”˜.•°*”˜”

    • Wow! Your daughter is a strong woman…I am sorry for her loss, I can not imagine. You and she will be in my thoughts.

      Thank you for taking time out of your day for me and to share with me!

  7. WB says:

    Very good, and well written. There is never a need to critique one’s work for grammatical errors, if one has yet to discover the meaning of the writer’s work. Again, excellent job.

  8. afteroldjoe says:

    Aw! I was just going to pop in and say I’m glad you liked my blog, but I read this post with tears in my eyes. I hope you see someone about your depression, because I found meds to be really helpful to me. Writing posts like this can be cathartic, so keep up the good work. It takes a while to get over losing a parent. Best Love, Angie

  9. Gracie D says:

    Thanks for checking out my writing and blog. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s good that you are processing through your grief and getting in touch with your emotions. I’ll be checking back in on you and your blog. Keep on keeping on and believing in yourself.

  10. drjackie1 says:

    Hi,
    I admire your courage and honesty. You must have a lot of mind control to divert your thoughts from your painful past. You are doing great! Something that has helped me is the idea that God or the Divine Energy knows itself as “I am”. Not, “I was” or “I will be”. Living in the present, in the Now, is the only sane place to live. We have nowhere else to live. Here we have the strength and wisdom to live fully. Let “I am” be your mantra.

  11. N B says:

    I can see why you noted my blog post. I, too, have dealt with a lot of difficult times and loss. Every day is another step forward. I am so sorry for the things you went through… I resonate with a good number of things in your post.

    I am glad you are moving forward. It is tough, but I have faith that you will do so. Reaching out like this is definitely a way to do so. Continue moving forward. I’ll be rooting for you.

  12. I think you are moving on way beyond others would be. Just know, it’s okay to take breaks or even back steps in the moving forward. We all stumble and sometimes falter. But as long as we eventually pick ourselves up and trug forward again, then its okay. If, and I mean if , this happens to you please remember you are only human and you have emotions and its normal to be upset even after making progress for happiness. Just don’t want you to loose faith in yourself! I just felt the need to reassure you because overcoming grief and you childhood abuse is not an overnight thing. While you put most of it behind there will be times it creeps up into your mind and emotions and I just dont want those incidents to upset you -just think of all you did overcome and how much stronger you are now.

  13. Sharzhaven says:

    You’ve read my story and now I know yours. The years roll on, the loss always remains a hole, knowing their gone. The circumstances or the situation make no difference because here, in this world, it still turns whether we participate or not. Should just as well make the best of it, while its YOUR journey to enjoy. Don’t wake up 15 years later wondering why you didn’t do “it” sooner, recovering while you are still young. (Whatever “it” means for you) Your story, inspiration for my “block”. Ironic, our life stories, very similiar. One difference, 14 years and I’ve done it alone since I was 17. Got my life on the straight and narrow, career, bought my first house at 27, new vehicle and didn’t have kids until 31. We don’t owe anyone, to pay for the mistakes, that others made in our past. Not our fault. We stand tall, stand strong and walk with a little “thicker skin” than most, making us better! We don’t pretend these things didn’t happen, or that they don’t hurt. We acknowledge, deal, compromise, forgive, release and move on. I’m sure most will not understand these comments, but I think you’ll “get it”.

    • I totally get it, wow, thank you.

      Word!

      I truly connect to your comment more than I have most people in my world (virtual and not). Thank you for checking out my blog Sharzhaven, don’t be a stranger!

  14. roweeee says:

    Thank you for visiting my blog. My condolences for losing your Dad especially over Christmas.
    Best wishes,
    Rowena

  15. Hawkruh says:

    What a touching post. I brings me to thoughts of bipolar (diagnosed and undiagnosed) in my family and all that comes with it. In my brother and his son’s case – heartache. Thank you for visiting my blog. Now that I have seen yours, I will be following it. Hugs. Peace.

  16. scillagrace says:

    Thanks for visiting and following my blog; you’ve led me to your story which is unfolding as it should. Without any outside judgment, healing takes its own pace. It loops and spirals like a living thing. Living things heal naturally. Breathe deeply, my friend. Know that you are completely alive, and it is a marvelous thing!

  17. robin claire says:

    Hi Leslie,
    My father was bipolar also, which is where I got my bipolar from. I take my meds very seriously however – very seriously, because I am extremely bipolar, not just a little bit. Sounds like your dad had an extreme case of it also. Are you bipolar as well. They say it’s usually inherited.

    I suffered a big loss that made me very angry and sad. But God showed me something about it that helped me to get through it a little bit easier. He said to me; “Robin, at least you got to experience him for a while. Many others never get to have an experience like this with another person – EVER.” Looking at my loss from this angle really seemed to help. Yes, I did lose it, but at least I did get to experience this type of love for a time; something many will never have in their entire lives. Love is intoxicating, and suffering it’s loss can be debilitating. But I wouldn’t trade the debilitation I had to deal with for a million dollars, because loving another like this – is truly worth the pain one deals with – when it’s over.

    I don’t know if I said this right. I can only hope I did.

    love to you my dearest,
    robin

  18. pezstar says:

    I just have to say that I was really inspired by the way you tied in the movie “Castaway” to your life. I remember being lonely and moved at the same time watching that scene with him and his makeshift friend. Keep working your healing, with one foot in front of the other, babysteps…:) Thanks for the like.

  19. I am glad to hear that you are doing better, it takes time but believe me it will get better 🙂

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