Normal Life/ “getting to be my own best friend”

I guess I could say I feel like I am normal right now. Last night I felt so alone. I felt alone out here, away from my grandparents, away from my brother and away from Colorado- the mountains. I felt alone in the world. I felt alone in my body…I was driving home and thought it would be okay if I died. I didn’t feel depressed or suicidal, I felt ready. I don’t know if that makes me sound crazy but I am okay. Since my father died in November I have feared dying and death, I lost my sense of peace with the thought of death but I felt it last night and today. Perhaps this means I am healing and accepting.

My little sister left for school today. It is very nice with her gone. I have developed a sisterly love for her but I don’t like being around her with others. When it’s just me and her things are great but when some one else comes into the pic she becomes a cocky brat. She gets on my nerves at times and reminds me of my father at others. She is intelligent but has no commonsense. She is beautiful.  She is exhausting.

Now I can get back to the quiet life. My whole world changed over a month ago with my dads passing. Tonight I feel like I can get back into a healthy routine and start to focus on me. My step-mom seems to be doing well. My sister is back in school and couldn’t wait to go. My other sister is back in Colorado doing her thing and now I can let go of the depression and start to focus on me.

“getting to be my own best friend”

I am on a journey to find out what I can create. I am on a journey to heal my body. physically. I am on a journey to educate myself.


My GOALS!!!!

2013 is  “getting to be my own best friend” year. (thank you to a reader!)

Many of my blogging friends have comment the idea of writing about my goals and dreams of the future so here are some of my thoughts. . .

I am going to focus on the first semester of school with my goal being a 3.6 GPA- all B’s or above, I would like to go to the gym and start using it on a regular basis, sell my car, after I get my A.A.S. degree I would like to move back to Denver, I want to learn how to make a budget and stay in it and put money away every time I get some, lose weight, maybe enter an art show, grow my hair out, sell my art online, have my won online graphic design marketing company, get my own place, love myself, enjoy being alone, eat different foods, stop judging, I want to become more enlightened and open to change.

I will work on a better list…this is just a few thoughts.

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20 Responses to Normal Life/ “getting to be my own best friend”

  1. jadechristyn says:

    I want to connect with you, but I honestly don’t know what to say. I know you are hurting. Just stay strong. And those are great goals you have there! Mine just includes doing exercise regularly and working harder. Perhaps I should aim higher too. 🙂

    • You did just connect with me, more than you know. Thank you for giving me your time to write to me and read my blog. Thank you for the encouragement friend. I hope this new year will be beautiful for the both of us. Lets both aim higher!

  2. Purnimodo says:

    You write beautifully. I like what you have so far on your list. I think I am going to (ab)use my blog a little to actually follow some of the resolutions. Will add the being my own best friend to the list. 🙂

    Wishing you all the good luck, health, joy and laughter in 2013.

  3. mindofshoo says:

    I want to become more enlightened and open to change. I love this statement! It is tough losing a parent. My father died 30 yrs ago and I still think of how it did change my life. You are the one that can steer that change. And you are. It has been my experience that the hurt doesn’t fully heal but I heal. Good Luck with your list of goals.

  4. James says:

    Geordi: “What’s normal?”
    Dr. Soran: “Normal is what everyone else is and you are not.”

    Dialog delivered by actors Levar Burton and Malcom McDowell from the film “Star Trek: Generations” (1994)

    Sorry. That was the first thing that popped into my head when you said, I guess I could say I feel like I am normal right now.

    I can only guess you mean “normal for you” as opposed to “normal for everyone else.” Sounds like 2013 will be the year of discovering yourself. It can be a difficult but rewarding journey.

  5. Great list of resolutions! I do hope you get to achieve each and everyone and looking forward to reading about it here on your blog! Best of luck 🙂

  6. Jade says:

    I’m glad my relationship with my little sister isn’t as strange as I thought! Good luck with your resolutions 🙂

  7. mtnslamgrass says:

    Thank you for sharing. I totally relate to how you are feeling and I am just now starting this process.

  8. Lovely list of goals and dreams. I too am eager to focus on me and healing in the new year. I look forward to hearing about what you create!

  9. Wade Webster says:

    It sounds like you’re coming along nicely on your journey to getting back on your feet after life knocked you down from your Dad dying. That’s a tough assignment for anybody. Now would not be a good time to rush into anything. Take your time, you’ll find yourself again.
    I don’t know how you found my blog, but I can see why you were drawn to this week’s post. I hope my words continue to help you heal. For a taste of my lighter side sample my humor blog. I put it out every Monday Morning, when everybody could use a good laugh.

    • I am working on coming along nicely. Taking my time is a good idea, I have time to take!

      I enjoy your posts very much! Monday morning laughs are great 🙂 Thank you for reading my blog friend!

  10. Sorry about your loss, but i’m glad the grief is lifting some.

  11. cross(stitch)yourheart says:

    That’s a tall order of goals to meet for next year but they’re all great ones. As hard as things look now you should try to enjoy the opportunity to find out who you are, it’s kind of like when you start dating someone new and those first few months where you’re getting to know someone, except in this case you’ll be getting to know yourself. You might be surprised with what you find out. I went through a similar thing when my fiance died (it’s been about 2 years now) and dealing with the grief doesn’t really get easier but going through the challenge of finding youtself again helps to move on.

  12. tmusicfan says:

    Thanks for liking my poem Sombriety on my blog. Life is a journey and a struggle, filled with pain and loneliness and infinite rewards. I’m older now, but when I was young I struggled with feeling alone and unloved. I’ve been blessed with wonderful parents and a great brother, but it was not until I found a place for myself in the world and found friends in that place, that life settled into something more fun. I looked at myself and found what I loved. In my case it was music. I found bands that I liked and went to see them and met others who liked similar music. From there a handful of people became good friends. Over the years, I’ve met friends of friends, and some of them have become good friends too.
    The other thing I’ve done is to see a lot of music that I like. Burlington, VT is a small city, with an enormous number of talented musicians. When I find a band that I like, I keep going back. When they play small clubs and coffee shops, they notice who shows up. Usually, they are very thankful that I listen to them and lend support. From there, friendships blossom.
    It doesn’t matter how and which way you grow. Your entire life will be a journey that answers that question. It only matters that day by day, step by step, you keep expanding into this world that we’ve created. There are tons of good things in the world, but we need more. We need your contribution, and the mere fact that you don’t know what that is, is irrelevant. You will find it, as long as you keep going. Your posts show a boldness in your spirit. Nurture that and it will serve you well. Granted it sounds sad at times, but the spirit to put that out, and face whatever judgements people may make, is the foundation of strength. It is an obvious subtext to your writing. Go do the things that attract you. Look around and see who keeps showing up and find and make friends. As you do, your world will grow. It’s winter now, but spring is always on the way. You will grow into a beautiful flower in completely counter-intuitive ways. You will struggle day by day, and one day look back and see the path, and understand what you are becoming. It happens to us all. It’s seldom if ever easy, but with a few good friends, you will get an opportunity to see magic in them, and they will get to see the magic in you, and over time, you will see it in yourself. Use your pain and loneliness to drive yourself to paint and create cool graphic designs, or whatever turns you on. Like the band Yes once sang in Starship Trooper “Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. All I know can be shown by your acceptance of the fact there shown before you.”
    This road of self-discovery is never easy, but every step you take, will shade another portion of your life, often in ways that bring beauty out of the blue. In the immortal words of Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush, “Don’t give up! ‘Cause I believe there’s a place, there’s a place where we belong.”

    • Thank you tmusicfan, you have no idea how much strength I have gained from your words, THANK YOU!

      I need to find my passion and go, I do believe I am on the road to finding it. I love what you said, ” Your entire life will be a journey that answers that question.” Thank you for encouraging and sharing with me, you have greatly helped me on my journey friend!

  13. Morbid Insanity says:

    I hope you can reach your goals and dreams. Good luck!

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