I guess I could say I feel like I am normal right now. Last night I felt so alone. I felt alone out here, away from my grandparents, away from my brother and away from Colorado- the mountains. I felt alone in the world. I felt alone in my body…I was driving home and thought it would be okay if I died. I didn’t feel depressed or suicidal, I felt ready. I don’t know if that makes me sound crazy but I am okay. Since my father died in November I have feared dying and death, I lost my sense of peace with the thought of death but I felt it last night and today. Perhaps this means I am healing and accepting.
My little sister left for school today. It is very nice with her gone. I have developed a sisterly love for her but I don’t like being around her with others. When it’s just me and her things are great but when some one else comes into the pic she becomes a cocky brat. She gets on my nerves at times and reminds me of my father at others. She is intelligent but has no commonsense. She is beautiful. She is exhausting.
Now I can get back to the quiet life. My whole world changed over a month ago with my dads passing. Tonight I feel like I can get back into a healthy routine and start to focus on me. My step-mom seems to be doing well. My sister is back in school and couldn’t wait to go. My other sister is back in Colorado doing her thing and now I can let go of the depression and start to focus on me.
“getting to be my own best friend”
I am on a journey to find out what I can create. I am on a journey to heal my body. physically. I am on a journey to educate myself.
2013 is “getting to be my own best friend” year. (thank you to a reader!)
Many of my blogging friends have comment the idea of writing about my goals and dreams of the future so here are some of my thoughts. . .
I am going to focus on the first semester of school with my goal being a 3.6 GPA- all B’s or above, I would like to go to the gym and start using it on a regular basis, sell my car, after I get my A.A.S. degree I would like to move back to Denver, I want to learn how to make a budget and stay in it and put money away every time I get some, lose weight, maybe enter an art show, grow my hair out, sell my art online, have my won online graphic design marketing company, get my own place, love myself, enjoy being alone, eat different foods, stop judging, I want to become more enlightened and open to change.
I will work on a better list…this is just a few thoughts.