Getting In-Out

I have received so many amazing comments of support from you, my friends, thank you.

A little while back an older gentlemen wrote a comment that was very nice and showed a lot of perspective on what who I am and what I write about but a few things were said that were on the critical side. I am getting more and more comfortable with criticism as I grow up but I feel unsettled. I stopped putting myself out there to help others due to my intention. Perhaps me not reaching out is part of my depression….or I am taking this time to focus purely on me because I have the opportunity to.

My sister went back to college a few days ago. She being home was difficult for me. My feelings to here are similar to the feelings I have towards my twin-sister. My twin-sister, as mean as she can be, will ALWAYS have a huge part of my hart due to our past. No human being know the horror of my childhood than the person who was made to experience it with me. I miss my twin, I wish she could have a softer heart. I hope she knows I love her.

It has been a struggle living with my step-mom. She has been depressed and so have I. Yesterday was a very hard day for me, I missed my dad so much. My step-mom and I spent the last four days together, it went well over all. I see that she sees my relationship with her differently than I do. I feel closer to her today than I have in a few weeks because we had a peaceful night together. I feel alone tho. I no longer see that guy very much, he is not healthy for me which means I don’t have the other friends we hung out with. The problem with this little town is it’s damn little and everyone knows everyone so making new friends is hard….and there is not much to do here.

I ran into the only person I consider a friend out here at Walmart last night. It was a relief to see her. I realized that I miss close friends. All my friends are back home. I did talk on the phone to my best-friend yesterday but it’s not the same. A phone conversation is a blessing but it’s a different level of connecting with another human being that I have not had out here. I don’t feel like my step-mom is my best friend like I once did. The last few weeks really changed how I feel. There was an incident at granddads that I felt completely belittled by her, I lost a lot of respect and admiration for her. I won’t be treated like a child over a child and I was. She has not wanted to be alone the last 4 days so I have been around but I won’t be as available anymore. I won’t play the game that I am someone’s closest friend and daughter when the other daughter is not around. I gave of myself as with openness  when my sister came home from college on her Christmas break but throughout the weeks she was home from Christmas it broke me. I felt walked on by both her and my step-mom. I am very frustrated with my step-mom. Yesterday I sat in Walmart for 3 hours waiting for her to pick me up. She went over to the nursing home to see her mother. I knew all day she was going to ask me to go with her and she knew I was not going to go. I told her the day before yesterday that I need to get some of my own things done the next day but I would go grocery shopping with her. I knew she was going to ask me and I reluctantly said no (in fear of hurting her feelings). She asked me if she could drop me off to start grocery shopping and she would go see her mom and meet back up with me in an hour. Freaking three hours later she showed up and still wanted to shop. I felt like my needs didn’t matter. I tried calling her after two hours to no avail. I won’t do that again.

Last night I told her I am going out and won’t be home for dinner. She got a little upset and said, “No you can go after dinner.”

My heart sank, I could not believe she was crossing those boundaries. I told her, in a polite way that I would do my best but I might not be here. I asked her what she would do when I am not here because I will be gone half of the week when I start school. She didn’t day anything. I felt badly about that last comment so I asked her what time dinner will be and she said after she got off work- so we will both be home from work at the same time. I need to go somewhere and find something to do. I have tried going in my room and closing the door but she does not like to be physically alone so the only way to be away is to literally be away. I am working on balance but I am also working on getting enough energy to wax my eyebrows ….one step at a time.

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2 Responses to Getting In-Out

  1. it’s sounds like you do need to say “no” to them despite how they will react. if they know they can walk all over you, they will continue. their reaction is their problem. i hope you’re okay. xo

  2. OH LORD…you must pluck darling!!! never wax…ouch! lol Sometimes, if you take a step back, and look at your relatives, you see how their life has led up to this point, and why they are the way they are…it helps to settle the anger and disappointment. Most people are never there for you when you need them, they are so concentrated on meeting their own needs, and doing things their way. Have you ever read any of Deepak Chopra’s books? Google him, he says this: Forgiveness is releasing our judgment of the world! Its the only way to find peace! people in general are morons, never living up to our expectations, so we have to learn not to put any expectations on others, or OURSELVES! Forgive yourself too, you are not failing, you are healing! Every morning, before you get out of bed, lie there and Thank the Lord you woke up, thank him for your family, even if they’re boneheads, and say a prayer for each one. You may be the light, they need in their life right now, you may be their ONLY light! Keep shining, and God WILL bring you peace! I guarantee it !!!! I think sometimes we go through really hard shit, not to make ourselves better, but to help others get better. You are needed my friend, and cared about!!!!

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