We are selling my car and I am taking my step-mom’s truck. She said she is okay with it…but I fear it will be her truck I am using. I talked to her about having it in my name and once we sell mine it she said it will be. I was going to clean my car and get it ready for sale but t’s been raining and cold. My body hurts when I walk outside.
I came to a few realizations today. First of all my body has been in pain from the RA since the weather got bad a few weeks ago which I think plays a role in the depression, the pain. Secondly, I need to be much more affirmative when I say no to someone. I always feel badly when I say no and then I end up wavering which leads to a huge resentment. Thirdly, this truck I am taking from my step-mom must me mine. I can not drive another persons car around, especially my step-moms. I need to have something that belongs to me and I can’t stress that enough. I wanted to write an expletive in there but I thought it would be crude. My point is, my car is the only thing I own and the only thing that linked me to home. Letting go of my car is very hard for me so my next car needs to be my own.
There is a problem with my car, I still owe close to 15k on my car and my step-mom has been making the payments. When I moved out here this summer I was told by my father that they would get me on health insurance and I could go to school, they said they wanted to help me get back up on my feet. Well, if you have followed my blog you see where all the twist and turns are. It took me a few months to find a job and the job I have pays very little, I don’t make enough to pay for my car insurance (my step-mom pays for that too). One would say, find a new job. I was working quite a bit before my dad died but my attention was needed elsewhere with the family after his passing in late November. I had the funeral, Christmas, New Years and school all one month and a week, so finding a job didn’t fit in the picture. Now I start school on Monday. I plan to look for another job a few weeks after I start school, I won’t have enough gas money to get to school and back, let alone a coffee once in a while. I have thought about working on my art and selling it but that takes time and emotion that I don’t have right now. So I will do the best I can. I will sell my car and pay off the loan, go to school, work the little hours I work as a caregiver for my cute little old couple and after a few weeks of school try to find a job.
When I was in Denver, I had friends and I was a part of something. I am not a part of anything out here, soon I will be a part of school. I had my family around me in Denver. Since my internal dynamic with my step-mom and sister have changed I don’t feel I have family out here, well I do actually, my granddad. I love my granddad and his wife. I will be able to be with them two nights a week when I start school. I do have a good friend out here, the lady I met through my step-mom. She is a breath of fresh air. I talk to my best friend on the phone everyday and I talk to my grandparents ever two to three days, there is a lot of good surrounding me. I think the problem is I feel boggled down by my step-mom. I feel like I need to be something for her that at times I am not. I go to church for her, I do it because my father did it before me. I love my step-mom; I get very overwhelmed by her and her needs. She mentioned to me yesterday that dad told her she was needy. I didn’t know what to say, I wanted to agree but she mentioned it in a way of shock that he thought that. I just acted surprised.
Perhaps my step-mom is needy or perhaps I am just extremely independent and perhaps my father the same. My dad didn’t like to give me space either when he was home. I use to get so frustrated at him because he would just barge in my room as he was knocking, I remember struggling to set my boundaries with him.
I was thinking back to when I lived with my grand parents- the three times I moved back home and how I had my independence I did what I needed to do and went on my way…here I feel like I need permission to go out…I made a little stance on that last night. I let people walk all over me because I want to be nice but then I don’t know when to say no and things then become an expectation. I am going out after I work tonight to get coffee with a friend from work, another gal who moved here from a different state, six-months-ago. I will probably come home and eat and then go to the gym. I need to start utilizing the gym that I belong to…it will get me out of the house and keep me healthy.
Thank you for reading my innermost thoughts friends. I feel better. I am alone in the house, perhaps things will settle to a new normal. Everything starts out as a new normal, I just cant’s wait to feel it.