My heart is heavy right now. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety. I don’t feel that love for people that I did before my father died.
I am having an anxiety attack right now. I went out with a friend and talked, it was nice. I felt like I was abandoning my step-mom. The funny thing is she may not think anything of it and here I am worried sick the whole time I am out because I may be disappointing her. On the flip side, when I stay home for long periods of time frustration builds and I feel like exploding. Perhaps I am a very selfish person…perhaps that’s okay. I am afraid to disappoint everyone I love.
I am afraid to trust. Part of my anxiety is due to the fact that I am trusting people and allowing myself to open up and I am scared to trust.
Why does the world do what it does? I talked to my mother and thought I made a good peaceful change for me to let go and forgive and I am more frustrated than ever. My step-mom is going to fight having to pay the rest of my fathers child-support that my mother went after him for when my sister and I were 19-years-old. My sister and I left my mother’s house when we were 16 but she was getting money from him for the full 19 years of our lives. My mother didn’t tell me she found him and was getting child-support from him until years later. I am angry at my mother for lying to me about my father my whole life. I told my step-mom that I would testify for her. I called my grandma on speaker phone with my step-mom, big mistake. My grandma hates my mother-my grandma is not blood. My grandma got all raddled up about my mother and she will so what she can to help fight the child-support now that my father has passed.
I feel guilty I talked to my mother now. I feel like I crossed paths that should not have been crossed. My step-mom and grandma do not know I talked to my mom, very few people do. I needed to make peace. When I talked to her I told her that my step-mom is a wonderful woman and that meeting my father was the best thing I have ever done….. When my father first passed and throughout the funeral and a few weeks after I really felt differently about life. I felt differently about my family and who I am in it. I felt a part of something but now I don’t. I felt creative and alive and now I am making it through the days.
My fathers death was even bigger than me losing the person I wanted my whole life. I found out who my dad was and he was bipolar, addict and recovering alcoholic. But he was my dad and I am happy I accepted him as that before me died. I love my father. His death opened doors and feelings from my past that were closed. I have lost trust in humanity. I feel a loss for my purpose. I want to know what happens when I die, I want to know the truth. I am not calling out for someone to tell me a passage from a book, I am asking for solid factual truth and no being on this earth possesses it. I fear I will die before I can make a mark.
It is all bitter-sweet.