It is all bitter-sweet

My heart is heavy right now. I am dealing with a lot of anxiety. I don’t feel that love for people that I did before my father died.

I am having an anxiety attack right now. I went out with a friend and talked, it was nice. I felt like I was abandoning my step-mom.  The funny thing is she may not think anything of it and here I am worried sick the whole time I am out because I may be disappointing her. On the flip side, when I stay home for long periods of time frustration builds and I feel like exploding. Perhaps I am a very selfish person…perhaps that’s okay. I am afraid to disappoint  everyone I love.

I am afraid to trust. Part of my anxiety is due to the fact that I am trusting people and allowing myself to open up and I am scared to trust.

Why does the world do what it does? I talked to my mother and thought I made a good peaceful change for me to let go and forgive and I am more frustrated than ever. My step-mom is going to fight having to pay the rest of my fathers child-support that my mother went after him for when my sister and I were 19-years-old. My sister and I left my mother’s house when we were 16 but she was getting money from him for the full 19 years of our lives. My mother didn’t tell me she found him and was getting child-support from him until years later. I am angry at my mother for lying to me about my father my whole life. I told my step-mom that I would testify for her. I called my grandma on speaker phone with my step-mom, big mistake. My grandma hates my mother-my grandma is not blood. My grandma got all raddled up about my mother and she will so what she can to help fight the child-support now that my father has passed.

I feel guilty I talked to my mother now. I feel like I crossed paths that should not have been crossed. My step-mom and grandma do not know I talked to my mom, very few people do. I needed to make peace. When I talked to her I told her that my step-mom is a wonderful woman and that meeting my father was the best thing I have ever done….. When my father first passed and throughout the funeral and a few weeks after I really felt differently about life. I felt differently about my family and who I am in it. I felt a part of something but now I don’t. I felt creative and alive and now I am making it through the days.

My fathers death was even bigger than me losing the person I wanted my whole life. I found out who my dad was and he was bipolar, addict and recovering alcoholic. But he was my dad and I am happy I accepted him as that before me died. I love my father. His death opened doors and feelings from my past that were closed. I have lost trust in humanity. I feel a loss for my purpose. I want to know what happens when I die, I want to know the truth. I am not calling out for someone to tell me a passage from a book, I am asking for solid factual truth and no being on this earth possesses it. I fear I will die before I can make a mark.

It is all bitter-sweet.

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75 Responses to It is all bitter-sweet

  1. dlmchale says:

    At lease you are struggling. That’s a sigh that you care enought to, well care. As to the fear of dying. Don’t. I’ll sum it up in a few words. Remember what your felt nine months before you were born? That’s what you’ll feel when you die.

  2. ryan says:

    Hi… reading your blog is like an enlightenment for me.
    life is about finding who you really are and you have found it. so glad i know you… keep on writing, coz i’ll wait every post you made…

  3. Life is about learning so you never really leave the classroom. Expect new lessons daily.

  4. go to thetumultuoustimes.wordpress.com then head down the right sidebar to a link that says “The Seraphim Sun” I believe this will help. Either way, I’m here and I understand.

  5. You know what i think? No one really has the answers. I don’t think we even fully understand and appreciate life’s questions and answers until we are on our death bed. Just my belief and opinion the whole point of life is trying to understand it and live it happily and as kindly to others as we can. I do think you cause yourself alot of unnecessary stress. You care SO much about others which is great, but you need to take a step aside and take are of yourself too! You cannot be there for others, for family, if you are not well. I hope you find peace with yourself. If there is anything i can offer you to help, I’m on a click away!

  6. Put yourself first and work on inner peace. I’ll be checking in on you!

  7. erikar007 says:

    Thanks for following my blog today. Hang in there. I feel your anxiety. When I feel like that, I try to keep focus on the hope tomorrow brings. God bless and take care!

  8. jelowder says:

    In your corner cheering you on.

  9. desertrat31 says:

    I went through a rough time last year right as the New Year dawned last year. My boss (a wonderful woman) told me this “Take care of yourself first, you can’t take care of anyone else until you are okay.” Take care of yourself first, don’t worry about the your step mom, mom, and grandma right now, do what you need to do for you first. You are the only person you have to count on when it comes down to it.

  10. You’ve already made a mark and are continuing too. Keep blogging! I can’t give the answers you’re looking for, but I can tell you the grief won’t always be this intense.

  11. James says:

    Anxiety attacks are absolutely no fun. I’m still prone to be anxious but haven’t had an actual “attack” in years. May God grant you peace.

  12. cshowers says:

    My heart goes out to you. I only got to know my birth father the last 9 months of his life, and like you, I was so glad that I did. I grew up believing and being taught that he was no good, and I won’t lie, he was a wild one with a lot of issues. But you know what? He was my father, and he loved me without even knowing me. He loved me before he met me and he continued to love me after, and I grew to love him.

    You have a lot of hurt, and I know what that’s like too, but don’t give up. I’m living proof that God can take a mixed up broken mess and turn it into something beautiful and good. He can take your pain, and turn it into a thing of beauty, just as He took my pain and turned it into a thing of beauty. Because I suffered, I’m able to understand pain and rejection, and fear of rejection, and because I have recovered from all of that, I’m able to tell you that there is more to life than pain and rejection.

    Don’t be ashamed for reaching out to your mom and for hoping for something better from her. I’m 51 years old, and I hope everyday that my mom will love me as a mother should love her child. But if she doesn’t ever love me as she should, I can live without it, because I know the truth. God loves me, and He says that I am worthy of love. She’s the one with the problem, not me, just as God loves you, and He says that you are worthy of love. If your mother, your stepmother or your grandma don’t love you the way they should, it’s because there is something wrong with them, not you. YOU are lovable. I will keep you in my prayers, and if you want to talk sometime personally, I will send you my email address or my phone #. Many blessings to you!

    Love,
    Cheryl

    • Cheryl, I don’t know what to say. You get it, you really get it. I am sitting here in tears of thankfulness that you wrote to me today. I am for a loss of words. I am so thankful you read my blog and commented on it. I really don’t know what to day other than thank you, I needed this so badly tonight. THANK YOU!

    • Sherry says:

      I’d love to give Cheryl’s comment a thousand thumbs up! I have bno relationship with my mother. Its just not possible. It is her problem, not mine. I love her dearly and pray for her all of the time.

      Concerning meeting your dads, Cheryl and lost~, I lived with a man for 8 years who was told to have nothing to do with his own daughter by his girlfriend’s parents. They didn’t like him and figured he would be a no good bum. They were wrong on that. Anyways, he never stopped thinking of his little girl and thanks to her uncle he was able to see pictures of her growing up. She looked just like him. Well, he never had the chance to meet her. He did figure it was probably the best he didn’t see her since she had a “dad” that she knew to be her bio dad. Unfortunately my love passed away from a massive heart-attack at the time his daughter decided to look for him. Her first meeting was of seeing her dad in a casket of which she laid a red rose in it. It was so heartbreaking because I knew how badly he wanted to see his baby girl and how he talked of wanting to get a bedroom for her filled with everything a young lady would love…Your dads were blessed to know their baby girls.

      All the best to you, lostcompanion! You have my prayers also.

      • Wow, you made me cry. I am so blessed. THANK YOU for sharing that with me! Wow, thank you is all I can say. I was feeling very sad about my father, this is helping me see the glass overflowing!

  13. Sara says:

    I know you have been to my website. I know you have seen I have PLENTY to say. So, I’ll just be honest. I have NO idea what death might feel like. I know that I, just like you, have a fear of leaving this earth too early. I think that means one thing, we aren’t ready. We’ll be here for awhile. Which, also means we have to find a way to make life work…and you will.

    Panic attacks are awful, but they can go away (and will with work). I had more than my share for about a year. They are debilitating at times.

    What I love about your blog, is that you are so direct about what you are thinking, even when it isn’t pretty and might be hard to hear. That is how life is. The fact you are willing to think it, say it, and not apologize for thinking and saying it tells me a lot. And, it’s all good. You have a lot to contribute and there are blessings in what you say. Keep talking. Keep working at being better–you’ll do it, you’ll get there.

    • What a powerful like: “We’ll be here for awhile. Which, also means we have to find a way to make life work.”

      Thank for understanding the anxiety!!! It is all good…Thank you for supporting my writing, it means the world to me!

      What an amazing friend I have found in you, thank you for your support, wow! I wish you well and all the best 🙂

  14. Wade Webster says:

    You are an honest seeker of truth. I applaud you for that. Too many people are happy simply living life as it comes whether they find truth or not. Keep seeking, you’ll find it. You won’t if you stop seeking it. I appreciate your vulnerability to be open. That takes guts.
    Jesus Christ claimed to be the truth. He’s the only person I know of who walked this earth who made that claim and backed it up. I suggest you get a Bible and read through the gospel written by one of Jesus’ followers named John. In it Jesus showed how He dealt with those who were difficult to get along with, and those who didn’t understand him.
    My suggestion from a fellow seeker.

  15. The Hope Recovery Coach says:

    The Lord is close to thebrokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Recall we feel God’s presence because of our hardships, not in spite of them.

  16. eternallyhopeful says:

    I do not know who you are, but what a heavy burden to carry to not know what happens when you die. I can relate. There was a time that I felt many of the same things that you are expressing in your writing. That was quite a while ago. In April of 1996, I came to know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of my life. Since that time, he has been my guide through life. He has brought tremendous healing to my soul. He has given me a family of God who prays for me daily, and loves me. He has given me purpose. His presence in my life doesn’t remove the dififculties or challenges, but he does help me to travel through all circumstances both good and bad. He celebrates with me, and he cries with me. When I feel lonely, I am never truly alone as he is forever by my side and at those times he reminds me of his presence so ever near to me. Jesus loves you too. He doesn’t require anything of you. His grace is free. It is very simple. Confess that you have sinned, believe that Jesus died on the cross for forgiveness of your sins, and choose to follow him. He is waiting, and loves you more than you know. He has a wonderful plan for your life. I pray for you this evening that you will know the truth of God’s love for you. He is there for you. He can heal your heart and soul, and he can give you a purpose bringing joy into your life. May God bless your journey and draw you nearer to Christ each and every day. ~~Roxanne

  17. ” I am asking for solid factual truth and no being on this earth possesses it”
    I feel that, my friend. Peace on you with this anxiety. I’m having the same issue lately.

  18. Manisha says:

    A touching post. You know, many people go through this kind of bitter-sweet pain when they lose someone important. At least you got a chance to show your love to your dad; he must be at peace now.
    You have taken the first little step for making a mark…by wanting to do it. You’ll get there!

    • Thank you friend for understanding me and for supporting me, I really appreciate your love! It means the world to me that you have taken time from your day to read mu blog, thank you for being out there Manisha!

  19. Mr. Purple says:

    Well I guess life is just big road …you just have to keep following your own…
    Its like the saying goes….If things aren’t going right…go left 😉
    Don’t know if this helps or not…just don’t give up …at the end things somehow always become alright….

    P.S Thanks for checking out my blogs …Appreciate that you liked it …Cheers! 🙂

  20. hisimage13 says:

    It is so hard, isn’t it? Trying to please EVERYONE. If you don’t mind- I will give you the secret to it all…. YOU CANT! it just is not possible. What Wad Webster ^^^ says is so real. You can’t please everyone and your peace can come from not only knowing that, but knowing the one who gives peace.
    My fellow blogger– I thank you for your honest/honest words. They have given me the courage to face my thoughts and to put them on paper. Or in this case allow my fingers to press those buttons that will spell them out. ❤
    Be well,
    Newlease

    • Thank you so much Newlease. You are right, I can’t and I think I am seeing that in my life right now…thank you for reminding me. You give me inspiration too, you have no idea 🙂

  21. ynasreyes says:

    Thank you so much for your honesty in sharing how you feel. My heart goes out to you. I believe that anyone who sincerely seeks the truth will find it. I concur with Wade Webster’s word of encouragement to consider Jesus Christ’s claim that he is “the Way, the Truth, and the Life.” The whole book of The Gospel of John in the New Testament of the Bible tells us the story of Jesus. I’m not proposing a passage to you, but a story of the one person who offered his life to mankind that we may find new life here on earth and eternal life when we die. I found the truth; I found peace; I found assurance of everlasting life in Jesus. I pray that you would too. As you keep writing to find yourself, try reading as well. I hope you add the Bible in your reading list. God bless you, fellow companion in this journey we call Life.

  22. laurabennet says:

    Thank you for checking out my blog. I’m glad you liked my last post; I hope it was helpful. I’ve been reading your posts for the past hour…following your journey through the pieces of random posts. I have some thoughts if you’re open to hearing them. You are a brave woman! Probably for you, life seems as messed up as ever sometimes, but what I see is progress and growth and healing. Wow! So much change and healing! The bummer about broken lives is that one wounded place creates another, and another, and another…so that we arrive in this massive mess (so much of which began with your parents’ broken places) and we wonder how we got there and if and how we could ever get out. You’re on your way out, even if it may not always seems like it. I can see God’s hand on your life and the choices you have made and keep making to allow life instead of death to grow in you. Way to go. My heart breaks for you; I’m so sorry for your loss of innocence and of life with healthy parents in a loving home, and of your dad who you only just began to know, but I rejoice for you as well. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Keep up the good work.God has a future hope for you and your hope will not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18

    • THANK YOU so much for reading my blog and for your comment, amazing. Your support and love is very clear, thank you for walking with me in my journey. I wish all the best for you and your family!!!

      • laurabennet says:

        You are welcome. I am with you in spirit and praying for you daily. It encourages me to watch you grow and change as the Lord heals your heart. Keep up the good fight dear girl!

  23. planted oak says:

    my heart is breaking for all that you’ve had to walk through my dear. i have to believe that this out loud processing is freeing you from some of what weighs you down. do not give up. xoxo –kris

  24. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. Someone told me today that life is about “ands”. It is a gift and it can be taken away. It is beautiful and it is hard. I have found that we are incredible creatures crafted by brilliance and we are creatures full of wounds and scars. My journey centers around my faith in God and my journey raises questions about why things are the way they are sometimes. I spend a lot of time thinking about my life and what it’s meaning is and should be. Maybe too much time. This I know, allowing myself the space to speak, whether to a trusted friend or on a blog, allows me to begin a process of healing my wounds by acknowledging that they exist, that they hurt and that there is hope for healing.
    I pray you will find and cling to the hope for healing.

    • Thank you friend, I am clinging to the hope for healing and you are part of that healing process for me; your support and fellowship! Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Blessings to you my friend!!!

  25. Thank you so much! Yay, a new friend who understands. Thank you for your support.

    I hope you are doing well, I know it’s touch. HANG IN THERE!

  26. disastress says:

    http://www.amazon.com/Power-Over-Panic-Panic-Anxiety-Disorders/dp/1740094875
    i found this book super helpful many years ago. maybe it could help you?

    also, my entire family (including the alcoholic involved) read this book.
    http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Influence-Understanding-Defeating-Alcoholism/dp/0553380141

  27. Leslie Graff says:

    Is it a child’s grief for someone we lost or someone we wish we knew? Is the angst a manifestation of that security which we never had? Don’t process too much. See it for what it is. It will get better.

  28. I lost my father in July of 2012. We definitely had our ups and downs over the 52 years we shared on this earth, but I loved him deeply and considered him my best friend — perhaps my only true friend. He cared about me in a way that few other people have. He had a terminal illness, and I had a difficult time dealing with the thought of a world which he did not inhabit. If this is hard for me at the age of 52, I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you. It is only age and maturity, and getting to the point of having virtually no “unfinished business” with my father that enabled me to deal with this as well as I have — though I still tear up every time I think of him.

    When you mentioned that you felt differently about people since your father died, it touched me. Try to remember that you feel as you do because something that you valued in your life is now “missing,” but also remember that it isn’t truly gone — and never will be. You will always miss him, and it will, to some extent, always hurt, but never, ever, let the pain outweigh the love and the beauty you experienced. It sounds like you had more “purpose” and joy when your father was alive. If it had anything, at all, to do with him, you can’t let yourself fall apart because he is “gone” now. In the “natural” scheme of things, our parents leave us first. No loving parent wants to outlive their child… “Loss” is a part of life. You will experience it again and again.

    And though I understand your desire to understand the nature of death, I have never met anyone who knows “for sure.” As I Buddhist, I believe that life is “eternal,” only the body dies, and the “spark” that animates that body can never be destroyed. That might not work for you, but I do know that it is possible to find “peace” in this regard — though it might not be easy. The choice that you have made to “write” is a wise and brave one. Keep writing. It’s a wonderful way to “think” things through, as well as to connect with others.

    All the best to you…

    • Thank you so much for understanding, you get it…and I mean get it. I am sorry you lost your father and the hurt it brings. I want to thank you for taking the time to write such a beautiful and heartfelt comment, I really appreciate you! Blessings to you friend!

  29. canadianity says:

    Hello,
    Your post has made me emotional. I too have started distrusting people. I too wonder why people do what they do. Perhaps I also feel the frustration, anger, sadness and pain that you feel.

    I hope your questions are answered and you find peace in this life. I hope you do not fall into darkness.

    Hang in there. Be strong. You have the strength.

    Take care

  30. I feel your pain. I’m drawn to you. your story is a difficult journey. I can learn from you about feelings and better understand this disease called alcoholism for one thing. thankyou and good luck x

  31. Hi lost companion. Remember that webfeel for you, and try to take it one day at a time!

  32. Thank you for sharing your story. Your expressions are so raw, so real. You have great strength and you are moving in the right direction. My heart goes out to you as you follow your path in life.

  33. You have made a mark already. With this blog. I hope you will find support if you need it. I am following your blog and thank you for following mine. I am here if you need someone to write to.

  34. Jane says:

    In death life changes. And we never know how that will look, until we lose someone we love. And then the world we live in becomes something else altogether and we have to find our feet again. You will too.

    • In death like DOES change and the world DOES become something else altogether…you said exactly how feel about everything. Thank you for understanding friend! Blessings to you.

  35. stephan says:

    Yes, I agree life is bitter sweet. The bitter actually is needed to help the sweet be sweet. If it was all sweet we wouldn’t know the difference. But I’d suggest not allowing yourself to wallow in the bitter, even though it’s inevitably there for us all. You can choose instead to dwell on something more positive. And when the blues of anxiety set in, I’d suggest trying something physical to break it. I’ve found exercise, specifically cardiovascular exercise, is very effective at breaking up anxiety and anxious thoughts. Doesn’t mean necessarily anything super strenuous. Sometimes just a good long walk in the fresh air does wonders to lift your spirits. Good luck.

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