Dear Dan


I was listening to country music today and thought about you. When my dad died I WANTED a hug from you so badly but that turned to great sadness that you are no longer a father to me. I loved you like I did my father.

The day I confronted you about having sex with my brother was on of the worst days of my life, right next to my dad dying. More died in me that day than any other day of my existence. Not only did a father that I loved for ten years become the most disgusting man in existence to me, my brothers innocence was ripped from him like mine was and I was not there all of those years to help him.

My point in this is not to thrash out at you, you have to live with yourself. My sadness is at the fact that my fathers death brought a lot of feelings up from my past and I feel that writing this letter will help me. You may not have even gotten this far, this letter is not intended to relieve the pressure in your soul.

I miss my father so much as I did the day you died in me.

My sister told me that you said you were sorry my father died, I did appreciate that. I was honored to be there when your mother died. I will never forget sitting in right next to you in a pew at your mothers funeral. You put your arms around me and said you are not my step-daughter, you are my daughter. You had your arms wrapped around me as I layed my head on your chest. I was just a kid and you were my hero. You were the dad I always wanted. I lost faith in humanity the day my brother told me you had been rapeing him.

When I moved to Alabama last summer I had a moment like that with my father. I was having a hard time with some things going on and vented to him. He came over to me as I was crying and held me, like a daddy would a little girl. I sobbed in his arms in anger and frustration about life as he held me.

I was so proud to be a daddy’s girl with you. I didn’t get to be a daddy’s girl but he was by buddy. I miss him like I missed you for so long.

I hope that you can live a good life.


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26 Responses to Dear Dan

  1. cassandragodiva says:

    Hi Lostcompanion,
    This is heart-wrenching reading. I hope that writing as you do brings peace for you.
    Thanks for the follow, without it I might not have had the opportunity to find your own very touching blog.
    All the best to you :),

  2. poetb2012 says:

    I also was on the same merry go round if you ever get a chance read a few of my poems about drinking i have been clean sense aug 11 2012 take care

  3. Wildechild says:

    You’re really brave to write this and get it out. Really brave. I only wish you luck on your journey to find peace

  4. wow, the harsh past has given you the strength you posess to be able to hit “publish”… but I’ve noticed the slow bits and pieces of peace that are showing in each new writing, write it out, its what I do too. Although, my brain has been so kind as to block my childhood memories, sparing me that horror, but I usually disguise my hurt in poetry, using double entendres to hide my true feelings. You my friend are getting stronger by the day, and I pray you ARE finding peace, a little at a time. 🙂

  5. You are on the road to recovery when you can put the past behind you and look to your future. I wish you good luck and much happiness.

  6. Such a sad situation. Healing depends on forgiving, and fortunately forgiving doesn’t imply burying the past. I’ll shed a quiet tear for you tonight…and pray that even this episode will have a positive effect on those around you.

  7. jlee5879 says:

    It was very brave to write that. I hope it has helped you in some way. I journal a lot and it helps me. Keep up the good work. 🙂

  8. justbarelysaved says:

    I commend you for being so brave to write this. My heart aches for you and your brother; both of you are in my prayers for peace and healing.

  9. samiiad says:

    Thank you for liking my blog I would not have found you otherwise.
    Good luck with your journey. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  10. laurabennet says:

    I see the healing happening as you write and share. Praying for you as always. You are a brave woman.

  11. Kirsten says:

    You write from a place that is “raw and real”…it is very refreshing! Thank you for being willing to share all aspects of your life so openly with us. May your blog continue to be a journey of personal healing for you (and healing for those who read it as well)…blessings 🙂

  12. lkmay says:

    Thank you for following my blog. You are very brave and strong to write about something so heart wrenching. Putting it out there is a great catharsis. Bless you for writing about it. Best Wishes

    • I encourage a lot of people to write, I have found blogging (writing in general) has been amazing through my recovery and beyond. Thank you so much for reading my blog and for supporting me lkmay.

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