but I did. I did well.

I gave my speech today, it went very well. A gal was talking to me as we were walking out of class and said that she is a daddy’s girl and that I almost made her cry with my presentation. That meant a lot to me. And then she went on to tell me about the other funerals she has been to since (around) the same time that my father passed. I saw the difference in our age as she spoke. I told her I was sorry for all of her losses to which she replied nonchalantly, “It’s okay. Like my dad says, everyone has to die.”  That threw me back a little, I felt that was a rather interesting way of looking at an individual dying; I can respect that.

I have decided that I can’t tip-toe around those in my life that I don’t want to upset. I need to be true to myself, like going to a different church on Sunday. I need to find a middle ground between making sure my needs are met and the needs of those close to me are met enough.

I feel completely emotionally drained. I worked myself into an anxiety attack yesterday over giving the introductory speech to my class. I was not too scared about being in front of those people (although it did rattle my nerves a bit) I was most anxious about the content and message I was allowing those people to be a part of. I have been struggling deeply with my fathers death. Perhaps making a presentation about him was what drained me…..

 

The night before my dads funeral I went to the funeral home and helped the mortician cut his hair, he was afraid of cutting it too short so I said I would help. I vividly remember the terror I felt when I drove up to the funeral home knowing this was going to be the last time I was going to be alone with my father. I yearned for him to be awake and alive, I didn’t want to be without him in this world; I just met him. I was angry that he didn’t take care of himself; he slowly killed himself. I was sad that I would never see his smile again, or call me kiddo, or be vulnerable in front of me. While there, I helped the mortician with my dad’s hair, which was an honor. I also helped put his U.S. Coast Guard uniform and medals together. I was able to be alone with my dad for a long time. I told him I loved him and that he looked good.

I also remember the pride I felt in doing what I had just done when I got back to my car. I was stronger than I thought I was, I did something not many people have the opportunity to do and not many people would do. That reflection helped me to calm down today before my speech.

My fear was not giving my father justice, but I did. I did well.

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26 Responses to but I did. I did well.

  1. I’m so glad it went well…Diane

  2. Beautiful, glad you were able to find some rays in a sunless day.

  3. Good for you! Maybe now you can take some time to exhale and relax. I don’t think I could stand and make a presentation about my Dad even now. He’s been gone 15 years and I still can’t talk too much about him without breaking down. I give you a lot of credit for doing it, especially with all the other stuff you are currently dealing with. Congrats!!

    • Wow, I really appreciate the positive feedback! I am sorry for the loss of your father. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Blessings friend!

      • Anytime. The internet can be a huge help dealing with things. It gives you the chance to get outside input from people who may have been where.you are at in life or have gone through similar situations. I know it has helped me a lot with my depression, among other issues. 🙂

  4. Ahmed's Journal says:

    good job, you did well 🙂

  5. Wade Webster says:

    I’m not the least bit surprised you did well. You’re a strong person. This confidence should help you on your journey. Keep your head up. 🙂

  6. kevin says:

    Great for you! Speech class can be unnerving. I remember those freshmen speech classes and how I thought I would throw up. I shared some pretty sensitive info too, but just different from yours. Being vulnerable in front of people takes courage. It is a good thing to believe you have something worth sharing. Keep up the positive attitude. Keep your eye on the goal.

  7. I’m proud of you. Proud of you for summoning that inner courage to do what was necessary and proud of you for telling others of your feat. I am sure that you have instilled some confidence today in another. Thank you for this.

  8. Woo-hoo! Very proud of you!

  9. oldmainer says:

    You displayed your inner strength today. Well done.

  10. You did great. You will sail through this. It will only take some time to heal.

  11. I know how insanely scary it is to talk about a loved one in front of complete strangers. It’s like, “Will they even understand how important he/she is? It’s important that they understand the importance, damnit!” My mom died when I was 16, which really hasn’t been that long ago. I had to do a tribute speech to someone, dead or alive, who impacted our lives. Naturally, I chose my mom. We then had to read the criticisms from your classmates. I had to leave after that. I did not present well, though. I did not do her justice. The class noticed and they did not give me sympathy points. I can’t blame them, though. Anyway, it’s hard and I completely understand what you mean.

  12. daredodie says:

    Brought tears to my eyes. Love this post

  13. pjoriginal says:

    a great way of analyzing life and death

  14. angelsteir says:

    I can relate to many things you have said and yes, it is very hard. It’s nice to see all the support you have here because that means a lot even if you feel like you just can’t express it enough. I took care of my Father for years though his diabetes and his strokes and he was so young and still strong; my best friend. Writing has been the key to my recovery.

  15. Very courageous. Beautifully said.

  16. mjthecreator says:

    wow, how touching and raw. I literally am crying a little. i just texted my dad to say I love you. wow really puts everything into perspective. Thank you for your honesty and beautiful writing

  17. Julia says:

    I’m so happy you did well, and that others connected with what you said. Next time you are in a similar situation, it will be easier because you can remember that you did well this time.

  18. Just reading this post my eyes got all watery. You did him proud. Good for you. HUGS.

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