I gave my speech today, it went very well. A gal was talking to me as we were walking out of class and said that she is a daddy’s girl and that I almost made her cry with my presentation. That meant a lot to me. And then she went on to tell me about the other funerals she has been to since (around) the same time that my father passed. I saw the difference in our age as she spoke. I told her I was sorry for all of her losses to which she replied nonchalantly, “It’s okay. Like my dad says, everyone has to die.” That threw me back a little, I felt that was a rather interesting way of looking at an individual dying; I can respect that.
I have decided that I can’t tip-toe around those in my life that I don’t want to upset. I need to be true to myself, like going to a different church on Sunday. I need to find a middle ground between making sure my needs are met and the needs of those close to me are met enough.
I feel completely emotionally drained. I worked myself into an anxiety attack yesterday over giving the introductory speech to my class. I was not too scared about being in front of those people (although it did rattle my nerves a bit) I was most anxious about the content and message I was allowing those people to be a part of. I have been struggling deeply with my fathers death. Perhaps making a presentation about him was what drained me…..
The night before my dads funeral I went to the funeral home and helped the mortician cut his hair, he was afraid of cutting it too short so I said I would help. I vividly remember the terror I felt when I drove up to the funeral home knowing this was going to be the last time I was going to be alone with my father. I yearned for him to be awake and alive, I didn’t want to be without him in this world; I just met him. I was angry that he didn’t take care of himself; he slowly killed himself. I was sad that I would never see his smile again, or call me kiddo, or be vulnerable in front of me. While there, I helped the mortician with my dad’s hair, which was an honor. I also helped put his U.S. Coast Guard uniform and medals together. I was able to be alone with my dad for a long time. I told him I loved him and that he looked good.
I also remember the pride I felt in doing what I had just done when I got back to my car. I was stronger than I thought I was, I did something not many people have the opportunity to do and not many people would do. That reflection helped me to calm down today before my speech.
My fear was not giving my father justice, but I did. I did well.