I went to the Unitarian church on Sunday and I really enjoyed it. I am still drained but I am coping much better. I am angry at my father, I am learning the truth about things…it’s all coming clear. I am sad and angry. I wish he could have been a better father, man and husband for those around him. Had he found us it may have been an even more challenging and abusive life. I am angry because he was on coke when I started a relationship with him and I had no idea. I am angry I came out here to see him die from his disease. I am angry he really didn’t look for us like he said he did. I am sad and angry for my sisters. I am angry I watched him kill himself. I am angry he and others made it out to seem like everything was good and healthy in that family before I moved out here. I am angry no one told me my father was crazy like he was. No one told me he had remained an addict up to his death, I thought he was sober…I had no idea it was what it was. I am angry.

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15 Responses to

  1. you have every right to be and i’m sorry you’re hurting. xo

  2. While anger is a very common and human emotion…it’s hard sometimes to know what to do with it or who to direct it to. In your case you’re angry with your father for being who he was and who he was not…maybe more especially to you …and also your family it seems for not being honest with you… I think it’s so much harder when it’s toward those closest to it… But for your own well-being I hope you can let it go …I’m sure it won’t be easy or quickly but if you don’t it will just keep you under stress more than even you already are…take care…Diane

  3. Wade Webster says:

    I’m sure your family members were trying to protect you by what they did. Apparently they succeeded to a point. Now that the truth has come to the surface it’s natural to feel angry and betrayed. Don’t hold onto this emotion too long.
    Remember the good times you had with your father, even though he was much less than he appeared. You were given a gift of getting to know the best he had to offer in his condition. Most people don’t get that much from drug addicts. I’m sure you lightened his last days in this life. Don’t discount the impact you have on others. You’re a fighter with a lot of love to give. One day you’ll be able to reach out to others going through the dark valley you’re in right now. Keep looking up.

  4. eternallyhopeful says:

    Okay, you’re likely not going to like what I have to say. I am definitely not saying this in “meanness” so please don’t take it that way. But, the unitarian church is not focused on truth and basically accepts everything as being truth. This really isn’t possible. Everything can’t be truth. If that were true, everyone would be right. But, really, I think God can meet anyone anywhere. I pray that you keep seeking Christ, and I know as you seek Him that truth will be found. People at the church are going to disagree with me. But, I’ll tell you something. And, this is truth. Back in 2005, I met a girl that was my age. She was diagnosed with brain tumors. She was raised in religion (the denomination is not significant). Out of great desire to find healing, she flew to other countries, she explored all religions (including that church). She spent the last 2 years of her life seeking Christ, His truth and healing for her body. She sought everywhere with a faithful and honest heart that absorbed everything. And, in the end, despite all the many religious experiences that she had, she found truth. She found Christ. In the end, she knew truth. She didn’t get healing on this earth, but her journey here was successful. So, please keep seeking. I can tell by your writing that you are very intelligent. I know that you will not be deceived. Keep up the search and never give up the search until you have a very deep sense of peace in your soul that is overwhelming absent any doubt that it is indeed truth. When you find it, you will know. If you have to, try every denomination and religion out there. But, don’t stop seeking until you find truth. And, pray that you are not deceived. God will lead you to truth if you really desire it with your entire heart and soul. Happy journeys! ~~Roxanne

  5. Being deceived by someone you love and trust is a bitter pill to swallow. I’m so sorry you didn’t have a better father; the father you deserved. Big, big hugs.

  6. good2begone says:

    I found things out about my father after he died that everyone else in the family knew but hid it from me. I feel your pain. It has been many years since his death…and I still ask why. My anger and frustration did go away which makes way for healing. Give it time.

  7. Adiel Raidoo says:

    I also go through the anger you experience

  8. lilicara says:

    Your father thought he was protecting you by not sharing his demon with you. It was his personal secret issue and you were probably the one beautiful pure bright spot on his life, he didn’t want to taunt you with his issues.hold onto his love and let go of his pain.forgive him, for your own peace of mind.

  9. nolabels says:

    Sorry you had to go through this pain. You have a right to be angry, but don’t let the anger consume you. ((hugs))

  10. Lisa Neumann says:

    Love that you are feeling your feelings and blogging your feelings. I wish I had something incredible to say, but I do not. It stinks when we feel betrayed, but you are incredible and you will work through this. I’m certain. lots of love and prayers (the non-denominational variety) xox lisa

  11. lcmitsu says:

    People stuck in addictions can’t be honest with themselves so it’s impossible for them to be honest with anyone else. And people close o those stuck in addictions are usually very co dependent and try to cover up or ignore the obvious problems. It’s not right but it is true and painful for everyone involved. Ask God to help you forgive and move on

  12. laurabennet says:

    I’m so sorry. I understand.

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