Today was my 29th Birthday.

My soul is still filled with so much sorrow but it’s not angry anymore. I am on the path to acceptance and what I see may be a renewal in who I am; I have a future.

Today was my 29th birthday. I have always despised my birthday but a few days ago I decided I would TRY and change my attitude.  It ended up being a wonderful day, emotional but low on the anxiety scale.

I went to the symphony with my friend. If my father was around he would have loved to see what I saw; the music group, Queen- at the symphony…..it was amazing. They played songs that brought me back to when I first met my father- last summer.

I have always loved Queen, an influence from my mother (I hate to admit).

My dad and I became instantly close when we met. We spent the first week driving around together, going to AA meetings, seeing music sites in the deep south all while listening to Queen. I discovered new Queen songs I had never heard. One of the first was , “Love of my life.” I feel in love with the song. After hearing it a few times, I grabbed my dads hand, looked into his deep blue eyes and said, “I love you so much, this is all I wanted my whole life.” He was complete at that moment and so was I. I miss that with him so much. I played that song over and over. I was so proud at that moment to know and be with my dad.

I wish I would have known he was going to die, I would have done things differently. I would have seen him more in the hospital. I would have held his hand more. I was so angry and wanted to be free from sickness and addiction that surrounded him,  I didn’t see my dad as a human-being that was dying. I should have loved him better. I should have gone with a radio and listened to Queen with him.

I remember the day he woke up from the hospital, I was there. He was so proud to see me. He could not feed himself so I fed him. I wiped his face and nose. Doted on him. We connected again for another brief moment. He had been in an induced coma-like-state for three weeks; he had pneumonia. My family played it like anyone else would who’s father and husband was in the hospital, near-death, over a dozen times in the last five years- due to his addictions. The thing is, I had no idea my dad was that sick- mentally and emotionally.

On another note….

The elderly couple (Mr. & Ms.C)  I take care of during the week is not doing too well. I am a caregiver and I spend time with them every Monday and Friday, but now I am going to make the drive on Wednesdays (70 miles one way) because they need more help. My sweet little old lady passed out the early last week and spent three days in the hospital because she forgets to drink and gets dehydrated.  I am scared to lose them but I have no barriers up with them like I do with most in my life. They are weak, as I am weak. They are old and have lived a very good life. I am so blessed to have them. They took me out to dinner last night, it was an honor and a pleasure. Thursday Ms.C got back from the hospital, she was weak and by Friday had forgotten she had been there for three days due to her Alzheimer’s. She looked at me with squinted teary eyes and said, “Amanda, my mind is going, I can not remember anything anymore.” I took her hand and said I know and I told her she is doing well tho. I told them I would like to come on Wednesdays to help her; without hesitation she said yes. My work told me their daughter wanted to see if I would fit more time into my schedule for them but sweet Mr. & Ms. C were worried it would interfere with school; they worry about me like grandparents do. I love them as much as they do me. They are good people, I wish I could do more. My granddad and grandma make them food for me to take over to them when I go to work. I am feeling anxious about spending all that time in the car because of the RA, but I can do it. I will be driving a lot between my two “homes”, work and school.  I can do it! They are worth it.

I ask my higher power to give me the strength to love all the people in my life like I do them, unconditionally.

Today was my 29th Birthday.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

52 Responses to Today was my 29th Birthday.

  1. You have such a compassionate heart, This couple must really appreciate (when they can) what you are doing for them… and their family. Sometimes the best healer is in helping others… Happy Belated Birthday….Diane

  2. traceyg says:

    Happy Birthday dearest…You are a strong and amazing woman… As a caregiver myself I understand you totally… The work itself is tiring,demanding and stressful, however we find that the love, hugs and supplies of smiles that comes from caring for another is the biggest blessing. Take care and know that you are special……

    • Thank you Trace, yes it can be all of the above but rewarding. I find that caregiving helps me get out of my head!!! Your support and positive energy helps tremendously, THANK YOU!!!

  3. Happy Birthday. And that really is a beautiful thing you are doing. My best to you and the family you look after.

  4. carinaragno says:

    Buon Compleanno 🙂

  5. walktofree says:

    happy birthday. be turning 29 soon too. 😀 hope you have a much happier year!

  6. A2LSM says:

    First of all, “Happy Birthday” my online friend and fellow addiction recovery sojourner! And secondly thank you for always sharing from your heart. You are my inspiration to get out of my head and into my heart on my recovery journey! Thank you 🙂

  7. michellemcnallyphotography says:

    Reading this really moved me – you are a wonderful person – I wish there were more like you in this world. Wishing you very sincere and warm Birthday happiness – you CAN do all that you set your heart to and I’m sure your dad would be so proud to have such a caring and selfless daughter 🙂 xx

  8. happy birthday 🙂 sending you lots of good wishes from this corner of the world

  9. catnipoflife says:

    Happy, happy birthday! Had you not visited catnip and started following I would have missed your birthday. Even in the virtual world birthday greetings are always special. My husband’s birthday is tomorrow but I will just say he is 29 and holding 😆

    In reading your post, observations of much compassion is evident. The blogosphere is truly wonderful because it brings together people from many different experiences, each with his/her own uniqueness to share. I look forward to your visits to catnipoflife and hope with each visit you will leave with a touch of catnip…catnip of iife, that is! Will be following you, too!

  10. indu0991 says:

    belated happy birthday amanda…
    may Lord Jesus bless you and fill you with all the happiness you deserve…
    you are such a wonderful person and i love reading your posts…thank you..

  11. Ahmed's Journal says:

    Happy Birthday 🙂

  12. Happy Birthday, Amanda. What a generous soul, you are.

    Ella

  13. Wade Webster says:

    Happy Birthday, Amanda.
    You have come upon a truth that will help you find happiness and meaning in life. Giving of yourself to help others will help you through your own hurts.
    Keep giving. You won’t be sorry.

  14. ryan says:

    Happy belated bday for you..
    hope for the best for you and fam..

  15. firefliesandblessings says:

    Hello! I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! You can find the rules of this award at this post …http://firefliesandblessings.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/very-inspiring-blogger-award-thank-you/

  16. jlee5879 says:

    Happy Birthday! Stay strong!! 🙂

  17. Happy birthday! Glad it was a good one. Keep up the amazing work!

  18. chengboiser says:

    belated happy birthday! Bless you
    I wish you all the goodness in life

  19. I missed your birthday day, but know you have a great heart filled with much love to give. So may your birthdays come as no surprise in the coming of years.

  20. literaryphoenix says:

    Part of who you are is an unselfish, compassionate giver. Loving yourself completely, unconditionally, is difficult- especially with what you have to deal with. I should know.. reading your blog, is like reading my life. You and I must be wearing the same shoes, down to addictions, being used, abused, and caring for others at home.
    Happy Birthday 🙂 you are not alone.

    • THANK YOU! I needed to see that I am not alone today! I am thankful to see that there are others out there who understand what’s going on with me!!! Blessings to you friend!

      • clbolinbooks says:

        I’m in recovery myself from domestic violence (alcoholism involved) and a long history of abuse. My first step to healing was caring for others at a nursing home. It fulfilled an emotional niche in me that I was NOT worthless and I had plenty of love and compassion in my heart for others. After I became an adult foster home owner for about a year, I decided to tone it down and work on the sexual aspect that had been damaged. Now I write recovery erotica for survivors of abuse and am a published author. That’s my outlet and my recovery process. We all use different methods on the path of healing. You are on your way 🙂

      • What a great story you have and congradulations of your writing; amazing. Thank you for your support and for letting me know I am not alone!!!!

  21. mamitasarah says:

    Happy Birthday sweet girl! What you are doing for Mr. and Mrs. C is a good thing, not just for them, but for you. My GrandMama was diagnosed with Alzheimers a few months ago and I was so thankful to the lady that was her caregiver for an hour a day. It takes a VERY special person with a big heart. Know that your father would be proud and…be proud of yourself my dear! 🙂

  22. Mr. Purple says:

    Well a belated happy birthday!
    Its good to know you had fun and even better to know that you’re doing such an awesome thing for them!
    You know next time you start feeling a little down, don’t forget that you’re doing such an amazing thing for them and that they are really lucky to have someone like you to take care of them!
    You should be proud of yourself for doing that! You’re a great person ! 😀
    Stay Amazing! 🙂

  23. alslaff says:

    After reading, I didn’t want to be just another “happy birthday” on the comment list. But then I reflected and remembered. Birthdays should be celebrated. You are celebrating life. I celebrate you on your birthday as you celebrate the gift of life and continue the journey that God has for you. Life may be difficult but it is good.

  24. zalev1 says:

    Happy Belated Birthday! You really are someone with a lot of strength inside. You give yourself to others freely and openly. I admire your strength. I found out my dad had passed away 3 years after he drank himself to death in a hotel room, I hadn’t seen him in 20 years. I felt so ripped off and let down, but he was an addict and he didn’t care about anyone really, not even himself. Your dad wanted to be with you and you were there for him at the end of his life. Be thankful for that, and be good to yourself. One thing I always try to remember in this difficult life is that it could always be worse, Take care, be strong!

    • I am sorry to hear about your father, it is true…it could always be worse. I find when dealing with anxiety it is hard to focus on that but it’s the attitude I need to have. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog friend! Blessings to you!

  25. jumeirajames says:

    I got your blog name from C.L.Bolin, I nominated her for the Very Inspirational Award yesterday and in turn she nominated you. I thought I’d check your blog out, it looks really interesting.

    Funny enough I watched a Queen concert on YouTube last night – here’s a belated Birthday Gift to you

  26. leilra says:

    I know I’m super late, but happy birthday! (:

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s