Back to AA?

I have been very low. Some have a flash back before they die of their life; last night I saw that same things as I cried myself to sleep. I saw the sadness and pain I feel and that of those around me. Life was once beautiful, even through the bad there was a part of me that could look outside and see beauty, I rarely do now.

I had a great time on my birthday, better than I could have asked for but it did not last. Now I am seeing blue when things should be pink. I know the weather has an effect on me. I see where the pain is coming from: all that has happened with my father, my alcoholism and feeing so close to drinking my mouth waters, my relationship with my step-mom and own mother, anger and rage inside beyond belief, sadness for my sister and nephew, mixed emotions regarding my little sister, not being able to trust anyone, loss of faith in anything, isolation….

Needless to say my cry helped last night. After the deep sadness passed I thought about what has helped me the most in life, AA. So I woke up this meeting and made myself go. I am glad I did; perhaps I am on to something…

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39 Responses to Back to AA?

  1. i’m so glad you went, before i finished reading your whole post, i was going to suggest you reach out for help. xo

  2. areed090290 says:

    I’m proud of you. Not many people can walk through those doors, it’s an amazing accomplishment.

  3. rachaelkeefe says:

    Well done. AA provides so much more than support. You get community and an opportunity to rediscover you Higher Power. No one can go through this life alone. I wish you peace.

  4. AA saved my life and continues to do so:-)

  5. As it seems you are feeling really low and without direction…it’s good to go back to something of a structured nature….It sounds as though you’ve made the right decision…Diane

  6. fern says:

    I recently began going to AA meetings, too. Good for you for taking the first step because I know how hard it is when we feel bad about everything.

  7. Way to go! Reach down a grab those bootstraps and pull hard. I’m glad you are reaching out and not going it alone. We are pulling with you.

  8. Number 9 says:

    Awesome. You ended this post with hope, which is what it sounded like you were lacking temporarily.

  9. Michael_e says:

    Thanks for sharing, I needed to hear that.
    If no one has told you yet today, God loves you, and so do I.
    Love, hugs and prayers…ME and the Boss

  10. Seeking help for alcoholism is something I’ve never had the courage to do myself. You should be proud of yourself.

  11. A2LSM says:

    Keep your head up my friend. I’m glad you reached out instead of closing up!!! You will be in my thoughts/prayers 🙂

  12. soletusknow says:

    Proud of you. Keep pressin on…it’s worth it.

  13. Wade Webster says:

    You made a wise decision to find others to help you carry your load. This life is too difficult to go it alone. God gave us two hands for a reason. One is for reaching out to help others while the other is to reach out to have others help us.
    Keep reaching out. You’re a winner.

  14. laurabennet says:

    It is hard to not grow weary when the reality of our life and pain smothers us, but know that you are fighting a good fight. The enemy of our souls does not want you to succeed and will try even harder to thwart you at every turn. In a way, this should be encouraging. Satan would not fight so hard to throw everything like this at you if you were not doing something right. The Lord is on your side and so are your many readers. Hold on and keep heading in the right direction even when it feels as if you aren’t getting very far. You are so much farther than it feels!

  15. cshowers says:


    My heart breaks for your pain, and yet it also rejoices, because in the midst of your pain, you chose to do some good and positive things:

    * You made a decision to go to AA
    * You followed through on your decision to go to AA
    * You chose to share your pain with others by writing about it, so that we can pray for you and
    encourage you, rather than isolating yourself

    My friend, do not minimize these accomplishments, because they are major. You have done what many other people in your circumstances have failed to do, and that is something to rejoice about. Now, I would like to pray for you:

    Father, my heart cries out to You for Companion. Lord, You know her pain better than anyone, and You know the root of her pain, which stems from fear and rejection. So Father, in Jesus’ name, I pray that You would touch Companion right now, and reveal Yourself to her, so that she will know that though others forsake her, if she will just cry out to You, You will never leave her or forsake her.

    Lord, please reveal Your everlasting love to Companion, and show her that though she has felt lost and alone, You have been there all along, calling to her in Your mercy and love. Let her see, Lord, how wide and how long, how high and how deep Your love for her is. Father, show her that no matter what she has done, and no matter what others have said and done to her, YOU love her with a love that will never let her go.

    Comfort her, Father. Save her and deliver her, Lord, and set her free, once and for all, in Jesus’ name. Give Companion the strength and the wisdom to seek Your face, and in Jesus’ mighty and matchless name, remove the spirit of heaviness that tries to crush her with its weight, and cover her instead, with Your glory. Lord, I pray for all of this in Jesus’ name, amen.

    God bless you Companion, and I will continue to pray for you.

    With much love,

  16. michelle says:

    I’m so glad you went. And keep your chin up…. this too shall pass.

  17. katy8046 says:

    Well done. It’s often in those moments we so badly want to curl up and dwell on our emotions that we need help the most. It’s also the most difficult time to have the energy to reach out. Tough times don’t last, but tough people do x

  18. You rock. Just keep swimming! 🙂

  19. Chaz says:

    I can’t tell you how many times I felt like crap…. yet invested my last ounce of faith and energy into going to a meeting. My head would try to fight me the whole way and make a bunch of forecasts of how the meeting would be…. usually how it is going to suck on a variety of levels…. but it is always wrong and I have never, repeat, never, left a meeting disappointed.

    The tired old saying, ‘An alcoholic alone is in bad company’, has some meaning. Does for me. Alone, my head works me over. As it did for early AA’s who discovered the value of simple fellowship.

    We have a recovery house in my city called, “Together We Can”. Great name. Tremendous meaning.

    Glad you made it to a meeting.

  20. cemmaillie says:

    good for you. it’s such hard work to restore one’s self to health and wholeness, isn’t it? and the defeats seem to never end. I get it. I love my bed (especially with an electric blanket!)…and there are days when I long to just lay there all day. Not saying that your thinking doesn’t take you here, but just remember this: suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse; it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better. In my struggle with depression, I remember this. All shall be well. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow. But one day, all shall be well.

    • Yes, it is very hard work. Thank you for your comment. Reading, ” suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse; it eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.” HELPS!!!! I hope all will be well 🙂 Thank you so much for your support and understanding, it helps to know I am not alone!!!

  21. Pamela Hodgdon says:

    Listen to your heart. AA may just be the answer. It certainly can’t hurt to try….

  22. Lori Lara says:

    I’m sorry you’ve been feeling such pain. I know the pains, up and downs, and unexpected turns of recovery. I’m so glad to know that it’s a process not a destination. Just keep walking forward like you’re doing, and know that as long as you’re living in the truth and you keep reaching out for help, you’ll always, always, always find your way out of the darkness.

    Prayers for you. Press on! Hugs.

  23. ellysnows says:

    I think your right that your onto something because going to AA you can get support. I know when I wake up and can’t go back to sleep negative thoughts will go through my mind so when that happens I get out of bed to redirect my brain. We don’t need those negative things creeping in because they are destructive. Stay positive and seek that out. 🙂

  24. clbolinbooks says:

    Really REALLY glad you went. I’m Al-Anon- being surrounded by a support system to get you through the hard moments and getting a sponsor is something healthy you do for yourself. There’s always sunshine behind those dark clouds, sweetheart. Keep going.

  25. Pingback: The Best Moment Award | Pondering Spawned

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