I don’t feel like going on anymore. I have tried to get help to no avail and my energy is dwindling. I have lost most hope, there is no one to blame.

My life was once full of hope but I feel hope no longer, I feel as tho I have little to nothing to live for. I have to find hope, I am searching….I am trying. Where will I go when I die? Is there really heaven? I am not scared so much to leave the people behind but for them to suffer but the suffering I feel internally is over whelming. I have good things in front of me but they mean nothing because of the cloud that blinds me; depression….feeling hopeless and searching for something. I am nearly two years sober and for what?

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

48 Responses to

  1. Grainne says:

    I’m sorry you feel so hopeless. I’ve been there in my life. Things will change in time. Even if it’s not perfect, it will be different.

  2. Ellespeth says:

    Keep writing. Stay sober. Look for heaven and hell here on earth. You are a strong person to have gone without drinking for two years. That, in itself, shows you are hopeful. How is the couple you are taking care of?

  3. Em says:

    I have been at a point in my life where all I could manage to come up with was “I don’t want to be here anymore”. I still have those days. On these days, I am thankful I have loving friends and family who remind me that I have much more to be grateful for and much more to live for.
    Family, friends, pets and personal projects are all things to look to for inspiration to keep going. Find something you love, even if it’s just sitting under a tree with a book, and do it. At first you have to make yourself do it, and it is damned hard.
    The good news is that it does get easier.
    What are you going to do tomorrow to help change your outlook on life? Or even now? My healing process began when I started mentally forgiving EVERYONE who had wronged me, and this includes people who have sexually abused me. I chose to forgive them because holding on to all that anger and hatred was contributing to my own depression.
    Most of all, you forgive yourself. You are human and, contrary to what society would like us to think, no one is perfect. We all have pasts, we all have issues… what really counts is how we choose to react to those issues.
    Forgive yourself and see the strength and beauty that others see in you. The cloud clears… we just need to start it on it’s way.

  4. Hawkruh1 says:

    As long as there is life, there is a chance for change. And that is reason to hope. Hugs and positive thoughts for you.

  5. Heather says:

    Don’t give up the fight! I also have dealt with depression and addiction. Right now your brain is struggling to produce the feel good chemicals it once did and had stopped because of using.
    It might be helpful to ask your practioner about some antidepressants to help while your brains heals. It doesn’t have to be a life long thing…just temporary. It took about 2 years for me to start feeling better.
    Hang in there. I know it seems bleak right now but it really does get better!
    Keep keepin on!!!

  6. A2LSM says:

    You have been on my mind so much lately. Plz know someone is thinking/praying for you! Hugs coming your way 🙂

  7. ryan says:

    there’s a long way to go for you.
    one thing i have in my mind every time i’m down: ‘this too shall pass’
    suffer will pass by, and you can see the beauty of the world once again. believe that there’s so much for you out there.

  8. daredodie says:

    Times of pain like this seem to last forever. I go through the same things and have even come face to face with death myself. If you somehow find the strength to refuel your hope, I promise you you will conquer this. And then youcan look back and see the mountain you climbed. I’m sending prayers your way. You’ve got this.

  9. I pressed ‘like’ as a gesture of support, not that I ‘like’ reading such a despairing message from you. My best wishes are with you that you pass through this darkness quickly though I know while being in the midst of that this would seem impossible. Remember, if you can, that famous saying, ‘This too shall pass’.

  10. cshowers says:

    Dear Lost,

    My heart goes out to you. I know how difficult it is to carry a spirit of heaviness, that weighs you down, and rather than just telling you I’ll pray for you, I’m going to do it right now…

    Father, You are the lover of our souls, and I know that it is not Your will for anyone to perish apart from You. Lord, I know that You care about those who are lost, because in Your word, Jesus said a good shepherd would leave the other ninety-nine just to seek the one who is lost. Therefore, I know that You have a deep and abiding love for this beautiful, lost young woman, and I ask You Lord, to go to her and gather her in Your arms, just as You did for me. Quiet her with Your love, Lord, as You rejoice over her with singing.

    Father, please, reveal to Lost the heights and depths of Your great love for her, and let her know that even if her father and mother forsake her, You will lift her up. Hold her, Lord, and snatch her from the hands of the enemy, who oppresses her and binds her with hopelessness. Reveal to her the hope that is found in Christ, Lord, and show her how precious her life is to You. In Jesus’ name, give her comfort and peace, and save her Lord. Amen.

    Much love to you Lost, and please don’t ever give up.


  11. Number 9 says:

    oh lost companion i soooo get this. i could have written the same post many, many times in my life. i have depression too but i take medication for it for the last 15 years. i’m too afraid to stop taking it because i never want to experience the deep lows i remember vividly. you are loved! you are cherished! you probably already saw this but there is a GREAT post about depression on hyperbole and a half’s blog. Here is the link: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
    be well, my friend! and try to remember the last time you felt this way and eventually made it back into the light. you will again make it back into the light, I promise! just keep writing and soak up the love.

  12. chengboiser says:

    hugs for you, as of right now the best thing that you can do is to express it here. Write to your hearts content, don’t loose hope.. youre followers are with you. There are better things out there, you just need to to hold on that promise. take good care and bless you

  13. Smaaak says:

    aha, now you have asked the right question. 2 years sober ,,, and for what ? 2 years awake… and for what ? This is exactly your adventure. This is exactly new pasture. When you realize what you have left behind, and the scariness of the ‘what’ right in front of you. Life is not called an adventure for nothing. Discovery for nothing. Scary isn’t it, not to say utterly depressing. You know what is behind you. The oblivion the existence of just existence (really that one for what !)
    But what is ahead of you is a total blank canvas. Total. Utterly scary. Utterly paralyzing. To even look, how can one bear to even look at the beyond. The safety of your past is so comforting even if it is utterly terrible. Better the devil you know, they say. Really ? Isn’t it fantastically boring ? Same ol same ol…..

    Because you have come to this question. This is a very important point for you to consider. The place for you to have courage and say ‘On with the New’ Never mind What, let’s find out !. The place for you to have a little faith, even if you tremble. Faith due to the total scariness of the blank unknown, of your connection (not yet so) to the big big canvas out there. Dare you even draw with your little toe a little paint on the canvas. All there lies before you is all for you to discover.

    How will you discover it ? Day by day you allow it to discover you. Day by day. Snippets of moments when you feel pretty ok. Let it.
    Courage to ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.
    Moving into the unknown, with your deliberate consciousness(awake and eyes wide open). With all that you know..which is a scary nothing. ..to discover what you can know !

    The point is, you have come to a very important position. You are moving past the level of staying sober which in itself takes all your effort as its very own reason of existence. Now that you are successful, your goal changes, Now you can actually take action and focus on different aspects of your life building/repairing/exploring rather than just no alcohol. Your goal is different now.

    Since I feel you have no desire to move backwards, you would rather end it, I say to you, just keep moving forward. you are in the right place. thinking the right things.

    Make your deliberate moves, and your depression/emotions will naturally find their own levels. like water does. They don’t take the lead, You do. And in time they will drop off you , size too big for you.

    • Smaak: You are addressing my life, too, and you are so right. It is so much fear of the blank canvas ahead. Deliberate moves. Thinking. Very good counsel!

      • Smaaak says:

        Congrats ! There will come a point of no return. Your experiences will become something that happened but that which no longer matters. Not even a survivor would you be, it just won’t matter because ..your blank canvas that you painted is just too exciting for words and no end to it ! This is the point to bid you to be a faithful one. Faithful to deliberate move day by day, moment by moment , point by point if that is what it takes. Just keep moving forward. Let life surprise you, let life find you. The same time as you discover it.

  14. It is not I believe a coincidence that I find a post from you today. Just yesterday I looked on your site to see if I’d missed any posts because you were on my mind. Those of us who have been in the darkest recesses of depression I believe can relate to the despair you’re feeling right now. When one is in that state of mind we can’t possibly see a bright future, but there is one for you. I went through most of my adult life with depression in various degrees ranging from mile to severe despairing of life as you are now.

    But I don’t quite understand why you can’t get help but maybe that’s an issue regarding coverage of therapy or something…but you of course need some kind of support. We can give you words of encouragement but you need ‘caring people’ around you also. Reach out to whoever you can. Maybe someone you haven’t thought about as being able to be that person.

    I think also it is not a coincidence that I read a post just this morning of someone who was exactly where you are a short few weeks ago….and thanks to perseverance on her part and to God’s guidance and love …. and reaching out which she too was unable at one point to do, her life has been transformed. I’m going to give you a link to her post, but you may want to read some earlier ones that I know you will say… ‘that IS me’ Take care and know that so many care….Hold on! Diane Here’s the link http://thejourneyofmyhealing.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/i-am-thankful-for/

  15. I understand the feeling of not having faith in anything and missing out on hope. I’ve been feeling similarly for a while but am trying again to get help, in my case therapy through domestic violence resources out of state from where I live. I don’t have a religious faith now but am encouraged by the following blogs by people who are flourishing in recovery from either addiction or abuse. Or who have a view I can almost believe and put my hope in. Or techniques to help me cope. I will hang in here and keep looking for a purpose. You too, OK?





  16. I’m so sorry you’re feeling such despair. Getting sober,and for what? I was asking the same question on my blog last night about my brother. I’m currently on a cocktail of antidepressants, see my therapist and psychiatrist regularly, and I feel better. But in December 2011, I felt much the same as you’re feeling now. As has been repeated above, it can get better. But you might need a hand up out of the pit. Keep writing. We are listening and we care.


  17. Magazine, Serene Scene, my story: No Reason, No Purpose, is included in this issue…If you choose to read it I hope it may answer some of your questions about life..From 2 to 20 years is one day at a time.

    Love, hugs and prayers…ME and the Boss

  18. Hi lostcompanion, I saw your post today and want you to know that change IS possible. My husband suffered from such extreme anxiety for years that he was suicidal. Two things helped him up out of what seemed like an unending pit of despair: doing improv, and The Sedona Method. I hope you will watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mPOaXqJaiM

  19. cemmaillie says:

    Depression is a bitch to climb out of. I call her my shadow. She’s always there. I get it. So do many of us. Most days I just kind of give her a wave to let her know I see her, and then I just try to pretend she’s not there. And if you struggle with suicidal ideation, please know I get that too. So do many of us. If I may? Luke 13:6-9…give yourself four years…. two ain’t long enough, my friend. I’m on the other side of three. And only now do I finally feel like it’s worth the effort to get out of bed.

    You may not have hope. Let the rest of us hope for you until you do….

  20. Groove says:

    SDMF – Strength Determination Merciless Forever

    Repeat this in your head.

  21. s1f2m3 says:

    Please keep writing, it will help you through the toughest times, and please know that your words do matter and do make a difference to those of us who are suffering similarly… big hugs to you

  22. We’re all here backing you and caring, I know it’s not in person, but we care. Keep fighting. xo

  23. laurabennet says:

    So many people are here for you. Please don’t give up. I’m praying for you. “There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.” God’s words to you from Proverbs 23:18

  24. Today I am holding out my hand and telling you, right now it doesn’t matter if you have the energy to stand or sit. If you can open your blog and read the comments, please know I am sending you my energy to help. I care. I have just found your blog. My heart aches for you. I know this pain very well. VERY well. Just a few weeks ago I was at this point. I wrote letters to my children. I made the proper financial arrangements. All of this seemed very proper and sane to me. I did not see my leaving this plane for another as a cruel act to my family. I saw it as a rational end to being a burden to them and the greater one that I was becoming. As a last gesture, I went to a special place where I wanted to see if I could find peace. It was my birthday. If I could find some kind of peace on this day then I would delay my plans. My plan was to end this portion of my existence after my birthday so my children would not associate that day with my death, only the birth of their mother.
    On that day, I found more than peace. I found clarity. I found answers. I gained hope. By the end of the day, at dinner with my daughter and her new husband, they kept looking at me funny. Afterwards, my daughter told me that they kept staring because I looked different and acted like her real mom, not the one who had been showing up each day.
    I’m proud of you being sober 2 yrs. That is amazing! What a beautiful accomplishment. That, right there, is a story to tell and share. You have something to give back to the universe. You have a place here, something that needs to be done – a job. You can be an inspiration to so many others and help them to overcome the similar demons. Not just becoming sober, but pushing away that all consuming darkness and fog.
    I want to help you. I truly do. You can find me at my blog or at thejourneyofmyhealing@gmail.com Anything you send me there is completely confidential. I started this post by holding my hand out to you and sending you energy. I will continue to hold out my hand and send you energy and prayers.
    My darling sister, you are not lost nor are you alone.

    • Hello friend, you wrote this comment to me about a year ago and I am just now reading it. Thank you so much!!! It must be divine appointment because I need your words now more than ever. Thank you for sharing your story with me, it gives me hope and the energy you have put out for me has helped. I thank you fomr the depths of my soul for walking with me! I am not alone! THANK YOU!!!!

  25. Prayers for you tonight, dear one.

  26. Ellespeth says:

    Thinking of you today.

  27. Depression loves to come into our soul and take up residence. If you have 12 Step Meetings in your area I encourage you to go to as many as possible. The meetings don’t all have to be AA, we addicts can all relate and help each other.

  28. I was thinking about you just yesterday, and now you’re ready to give up. I think you are missing the big picture here, go ahead, look back at what you HAVE accomplished, and quit wallowing in what you don’t have yet. You have come a LONG hard way, and for you to quit now, just makes me want to slap you! Just kidding. You keep saying you’re missing something, and I keep thinking you really do need serious love in your life, the kind you only get from God. You cannot count on anyone to please you, not even once a day. But you can always count on God. He WILL give you strength, and peace if you would JUST ask for it, and give it a try. You keep tiptoe-ing around the fact that your heart is reaching out, but your mind keeps fighting it. LOOK at all the people who just commented on this post you made, and count how many of them said, THEY ARE PRAYING FOR YOU, OR something along those lines??? PEOPLE DO CARE ABOUT YOU! NOW CARE ABOUT YOURSELF! Think of ONE thing you would like to do with your life…just one….and get off the couch today and DO something towards it. FIGHT the Depression with YOUR WILL TO LIVE!!! There is MORE out there, you just haven’t found it yet! 🙂

  29. I have wondered where you have been but did not come searching. You have appeared now and so many reach out their hand to you, but if you do not hold on to the love they send, feeling enriched with the love they give, then you slip falling into the abyss. Reach out find their hand being filled with love and support. If you can not reach out your hand than grasp hold and bury yourself in a book, the words inside can begin a great healing, Bury your sorrows in the pages. I recommend the new testament where Jesus can help cleanse you from inside out, with the seeds planted in you. If you don’t believe than I can say no more. All I now is I could have died some years ago with the tug of Satan at my heels but I found a greater wealth inside the Holy Bible. A strength that can be given to those who fill theirselves with the Love that God gives. May you be BLESSED with GREAT LOVE.

  30. lilicara says:

    That depression that you feel is not really you, it’s the darkness that grabs ahold of you and tries to devour the light in your soul. You have to reject every negative thought that comes into your head. It is a difficult task because the darkness does not want to let go.sometimes a cleansing with sage can make a big difference.if you have s negative atmosphere on the house you live in, it can continually infect you. Hold onto the light and reject that dark voice! It lies to you .hang in there pray and know that you are not alone.-watch my videos for some instant support.

  31. jeanpmss says:

    I really hope you get better! Stay strong there and everything will get better 😀

  32. Random Stuff Guy says:

    You are two years sober for living. Dive back into a bottle and you will achieve nothing, just keep going, there will eventually be a light at the end of the tunnel. And remember what I always say when I feel like that ‘keep buggering on!’ as Winston Churchill used to say. Depression is the enemy, fight the bastard until your last breath! Or better yet, its last breath.

  33. I also have felt hopeless for the past few years. I don’t think I’ll live to be 60 but who knows? Maybe things will change for both of us.

  34. I can make it til tomorrow, so can you. Keep going

  35. stephan says:

    Hi, couple of simple ideas for you to try. 1) Exercise. It is amazing how one good cardio session can lift your spirits for hours. If you’re not into exercise, even brisk walking for a good half hour or more can help. 2) A good meal. Not sure if you’re eating well, but a good meal will do wonders for your mood. Hang in there, it will get better!

  36. myplace2spu says:

    I hope you can find the strength to make it through this storm. It seems they can come at our most low points. I enjoy reading your blog and look forward to future posts.

  37. Maria says:

    Hang on. Earlier, i felt the same way. Hopeless, helpless and trapped and alone. Figuratively and physically. And for a second i saw myself trying to end it all again. Try. There is always hope. I went out for a jog instead. It helped.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s