I spend a lot of my time bending and pretty much making up the truth to protect myself; those around me want more from me than I can give…I don’t even know what to give myself most of the time. One would argue that these tales are flat out lies but I know my threshold, others expect too much of me…not everyone, but the most prominent people in my life. One factor is that I depend on these people, I need help…therefore bonds grow that are rooted in vulnerability and obligation when most of the time I want to exist with and around those people but virtually remain alone and nonexistent…not reality.

I hope now that I got this out my mind will focus more and I can study!

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5 Responses to

  1. ‘Come close’ but not ‘tooooo close! Diane

  2. readcharri says:

    I hope someday you no longer have to live behind this mask of deception in order to protect yourself… Because if they simply enable you to depend solely on others, one has to wonder how helpful those masks really are for you. Blessings!

  3. jlee5879 says:

    Different but I get it. When I was suffering from postpartum depression people had many expectations of me – big or small. Small could be meeting for a glass of wine after work. But what they didn’t get was some days I just couldn’t. Some days just getting out of bed and going to work was all I could do, not to mention I had told them MANY times I was cutting alcohol yet they still invited me to wine tasting events and then would be upset when I did not attend. Long story short, I stopped caring what others expected of me and looked only at what I expected of myself. “Go to work today, hold my baby today, don’t have a drink today, write in your journal today” and that was a great day. Again different scenarios, but hopefully just hearing “I get it” helps you. Hang in there and stay strong!!!

  4. laurabennet says:

    Good insight. I think I understand what you are saying. For so many reasons we feel the need to “manipulate” our conversations or actions to please or avoid conflict, etc. I realized lately that I have been doing that in many areas. I feel like God is encouraging me to be more honest, especially with those I am closest too. I tend to say yes to things I can’t or don’t want to do, or use “tact” and go around the back door with hints or tone of voice or side comments, but really none of that is truly honest. While it seems necessary and even subconscious in the moment, in the long run it causes so much more distress especially within myself because it creates this crazy “dance” of deceptions. I’m finding that even though it’s so scary, difficult and often doesn’t have the immediate result I’m hoping for, coming out with an honest communication of how I feel, what I can/can’t do, how I perceive a situation is actually very freeing and leaves me with so much more peace. Seems crazy, but God did say that the truth would set us free…I’m finding that to be true. 🙂

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