Where Is my Hope?

I know I have a lot, more than most and from the outside looking in I am sure my life looks amazing; she’s got it made. My mind is not made, my mind is like the early process of a scrambled egg. My exhaustion is immovable. I feel alone. Thoughts and words can’t express the chaos of emotions going on inside of me right now. I am frail, weak and ready to crumble inside myself.

My friend tells me find my hope. I feel crazy, lost, alone and angry. I have no God and no religion. I don’t know where I will end up when I die and that scares me enough to try to live; what the hell will happen to me? What the hell happened to my dad?

I just want to confine myself to a solitary  way of life, I am over stimulated. I talk to much. I reach with far too much of a stretch on my behalf. I tell everything and end up with nothing inside for me….yet at times I can’t say enough to express my need for love and attention. I am afraid.

Where is my hope….PLEASE something or someone make me a better, less selfish more humble and wise person. Give me the strength to get out on my own two feet and have the confidence that I can take care of myself. I am so afraid to fail. Give me the wisdom to know when to say something, if anything at all. Guide me to my healthy outlets and blanket me in routine and healthy eating habits. I am weak, I do not feel strong. I don’t know what more to do at this point. I know I have to keep going but I have been bitching and moaning and feeling sorry for myself for quite a while now. I need to be strong. I need to find my hope. I need to stop thinking I am an victim. Most importantly, help me take me out of the equation. Let me be an observer.

Where is my hope?

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16 Responses to Where Is my Hope?

  1. When I read your post with your feeling laid out and so honest I have such mixed emotions. You see I’m a Christian and of course in my core my ‘hope’ is in Christ… and yet knowing right now how I am struggling I feel somewhat lost myself. The only thing that keeps me afloat and not sinking is that I know that so many go through exactly what I am experiencing now… Not that it makes me necessarily feel any better to know that… but you nor I are alone in these moments. People trying to be kind or help us feel better will say… ‘but you have so much to be grateful for’ or words to that effect .. and of course they’re right but it doesn’t take away the sadness that we have at the time.. Sometimes it just fills me with guilt .. Even those close to me who really know better than to say it ..forget…. My ‘hope’ for you is that these feeling do not last indefinitely and that you can catch a glimpse of joy in life to hold onto… Don’t know if I helped at all!!! Diane

  2. Tami says:

    It is like you are in my head sometimes.

  3. Mental Mama says:

    Find people around you that you can rely on, really rely on, and then reach out for help. We all need help to get through this mess we call life. If you don’t have a good psychiatrist, that’s probably the best place to start. Get working on finding a good med cocktail that will help level things out in an appropriate way. And keep writing. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through a bad day is knowing I can get on my blog and just get all of the mess out of my head. Hang in there.

  4. jlee5879 says:

    I just finished reading this book and highly suggest it. The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart by Daphne Rose Kingma. It is called an emotional and spiritual handbook…there are questions to ponder at the end of each chapter. Though my situation is different I feel similar to the way you are feeling. Reading this gives me hope. 🙂

  5. Wade Webster says:

    You are at a cross road right now. The battle you feel is real. This quest you’re on is one many people don’t dig deep enough to find.
    Some humor should help to lighten your burden, if even for a few moments. Take a few minutes to read my poem about Noah’s ark http://wp.me/p2HXKo-3C You may find some answers in there, too.

  6. cshowers says:

    Dear Lost Companion,

    I’m sorry for your pain, and I pray the Lord will give you comfort. I know you said you don’t believe in Him, and yet, I could feel the pain in your heart when you said you have no God and no hope. I have to tell you, that I’ve been in a very deep, dark depression, and I understand the pain that it brings with it. There have been some days, when it felt as though all hope was gone, and I was surrounded by fear and anxiety. I felt as though my faith had left me, and I felt that I must have disappointed God, because of my weakness.

    BUT, in the midst of my pain, when I felt like giving up, the Lord spoke to my heart, reminding me of His love for me. He ministered to me through the love of my husband, and seeing that wasn’t enough to free me from the depression, one morning at 4:00, He showed me that I needed to go to a Christian counselor who accepts Medicaid, and He showed me which counselor to call, and miraculously, she had an opening the very next day, before I could change my mind about going. Then, He began speaking to my heart, and teaching me about myself.

    You see, I went through counseling several years ago, and I quit going once I felt better, even though I still had a lot of issues that needed to be dealt with. I knew those issues were there, but I didn’t want to deal with any more pain, and so I pushed those issues aside, refusing to examine myself and my life, because I was tired of hurting… You can only push things down for so long, before it piles up and leaps out, attacking you, and anyone else in your life. Now the Lord spoke to my heart, telling me that it was time to deal with all of the pain, so that He could set me free from it once and for all.

    Imagine that! Though I lost faith and gave up on God, He never gave up on me. He is the one who allowed me to suffer through the pain of depression and anxiety. He knew all along how badly I would suffer, but He also knew that my current pain was necessary in order to overcome the road of self-destruction I was heading down. As for my fear that God was disappointed in my weakness, He reminded me that He knows me better than I know myself, and that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

    Lost Companion, I thought I had lost all hope, but at my lowest point, God restored my hope. You see, Christ is my hope, and He encourages me to cast all of my cares on Him, because He cares for me. My friend, I’m not telling you to go to church, because sometimes church and religion can leave a bad taste in your mouth, and ultimately, religion can’t help you or me, and neither can church. When you said you had no God and you had lost hope, my heart went out to you, because God’s heart’s desire is to save, heal and deliver you from your pain.

    You’ve already seen that as many times as you cry out for help, no one else has been able to give you the hope and the help you need, so why don’t you cry out to Jesus. I look at all He is setting me free from, and I know that He loves me passionately, and as much as He loves me, He also loves you just as much. He will restore your hope, my friend.

    With much love,

  7. laurabennet says:

    Even though you say you don’t have religion or God, he has you. Your belief or faith, or lack thereof, in him doesn’t change who he is or what he is capable of doing for you. I pray he will show you in some very personal way that he loves you and is holding onto you.

    Once, I thought of dying almost every day. My life was a mess…I was a mess. I had completely lost hope (even though I did have God). But, I met someone who said she had hope and faith for me. She bought me a little stuffed bear and named her Hope, a stuffed moose and named her Faith, and later gave me another bear named Percy (for perseverance). Many times a day, I would pick up those little stuffed animals and be reminded that someone had given me hope and faith, and believed I could persevere. It helped me through a very terrible time.

    I realize I can’t send you a stuffed animal, but I have hope and faith for you. Perhaps you can imagine me giving them to you. Jesus is our hope. He longs to be yours. All you need to do is ask him and believe him when he says he is your salvation and hope. Praying for you!

  8. I have a personal favorite quote from Jesus that always gets me through times of crisis like this.
    “You’re much stronger than you think you are. Trust me.”
    Wait, that wasn’t Jesus, that was Superman. Basically the same thing though, right? Well, not exactly. Despite having the powers of a god, Superman would never expect the people of Metropolis to grovel before him and use him as a crutch and taking credit for their personal triumphs while letting them take the rap for their foibles. His message is simple, “I can do great things, but so can you.”
    You ARE your hope. I know it’s hard to see that. Trust me, I know the feeling well. You’ve found the strength to open up to a bunch of strangers about your troubles. You’re recognizing your weaknesses and being honest about them. That alone takes considerable strength. Please give yourself some credit for that. You got your two-year chip in april, right? Not a lot of people make it that far. Again, you deserve credit.
    Turning one’s life around doesn’t happen overnight. You alluded to this realization in “What I Want” last month. If you make one minor change a week, you’ll give yourself attainable goals, each one giving you a boost of confidence every time you take one on. Good place to start? The diet. Never underestimate the power of good nutrition to turn around one’s attitude. You really are what you eat, but you seem to have realized that. I have a lot of experience and a lot of resources related to functional eating, so if you want any advice or any links, feel free to send me a message and I’ll send you some links.
    A good therapist would also help. You’ve mentioned before that you’ve been seeing one and also taking anti-depressants. Be careful with those. Anti-depressants have lately been shown to increase the likelihood of suicide and even homicide. They can also sap away your ability to experience pleasure, as well as pain. Trust me, I know that feeling well too. The therapist I went to after swearing off anti-depressants and sedatives recommended simple breathing meditations, which still do help when I can set aside the time to do them. Maybe they’ll work for you too.
    For now, if you just need a spark of inspiration to get you going, some kind of quote or mantra, they’re all around you. When I feel powerless before the troubles swirling around me, I remember that line from All Star Superman, written by Grant Morrison. If I need inspiration with a little grit, I think of “Becoming” by Pantera. If I just need to perk my mood up a little, I put on The Monkees and take it from there. No, it’s not an easy or quick process, but it has worked for me and it gets better every time, because I know that I’ve beaten my depression before and I can do it again. What matters is that you find your spark in something that empowers you, that reminds you that you have the potential to meet your goals, without any false sense of security or the denial of your own achievements.
    You can do this. I believe in you. So does Superman.

    • This comment was written to me on 2013/08/11 and I am just now reading it. I must have needed this now because it fits perfectly. I am nearly at three years my friend and you are the type of person that keeps me going. What a beautiful comment, you watered my roots. THANK YOU!!! WOW!

  9. Her says:

    If you put your trust in/rely on people, they will fail you at one time or another. It may not be intentional, it’s just due to our nature as humans; we are imperfect. This is not to say you should not let people into your life; we were created as relational beings. But like CShowers and Laura Bennet have said, there is only One who is constant, faithful and gives hope. His is not a religion, it’s a love relationship. I am the most imperfect of people, and I can testify to what He has done in my mind. Let Jesus into your heart; His love heals and lifts.

  10. marieolivia says:

    *Gives you strength*
    You can do this! 🙂

  11. rosierubyred says:

    I’m very new to all this blogging, but didn’t want to read and run! Your post really touched me, it was as if I was reading about myself! I can totally relate to your feelings, emotions and the questions you have! I do not have the answers, i am trying to find them too, however, Thank you for writing this, At last i am not alone x

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