Crazy Place

This world is a crazy place. I constantly have misconceptions of who I am and what the world is around me.

I am working on finding a place to live. I am looking into renting a room….we shall see, I pray I am not in over my head.

I have been mentioning God lately. Perhaps it’s because he is a good copout, or perhaps it’s because I am yearning to feel the connection I once felt I had with a (my) higher power.

I lied to my teacher about why I was going to miss my last class today. I told her an elderly person I take care of had a stroke…and I went on some more. Yes my father had been on my mind lately but there was no need to throw out there that my father passed away recently. I just wanted to run away from the world today and I could not think of  good enough excuse to leave class. Perhaps I could have told my teacher that I felt emotionally volatile, extremely depressed and just need to escape. Drinking had been on my mind lately, I was going to go out with a friend but she canceled so I went to the mountain and did some homework instead.

I feel my only solution to my emotional instability is to move out, rent a room…I am being picky about a roommate and go on my way. I want to feel free of having to pick people up. I want to be free of obligation to family because I am under their roof (rightfully so on their part)…So I am going to work two very long days Monday and Wednesday, go to school Tuesdays and Thursdays and spend the weekend studying and seeing friends. I am still searching for a purpose in life. To some degree I feel the world owes me but logically I know it owes me nothing, yet it expects that I keep going….so I go.

Am I a bad person? Am I going to hell for lying to my teacher and for lying to my family? Will I go to hell because I am angry at all the pain and horror I have seen in my life?  THE REAL QUESTION IS IF THERE IS EVEN A HELL. I chose to believe there is no hell…

I must strive to be a better person. I have the opportunity to engage with a wonderful man into a potentially amazing relationship, but I wont. I am not in a place to be close to a guy. I feel anxious about getting hurt. I am afraid of falling in love and losing that person. I am afraid of them dying. I am most afraid that they will get to know me and not love me; men fall in love with me easily….and then they get to know me and see that I am very complex, have major PTSD, I am an alcoholic in recovery and I probably have some form of mild bipolar…if not major anxiety and depression.

Why life? Why God? Why try….? Fuck, I guess I have to.

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5 Responses to Crazy Place

  1. b1eedr says:

    this is real life. hits you every which way. gotta keep your head above the fray by any means necessary

  2. You have a lot of ‘fears’ right now… God does not judge us by lies we might tell or things we may do wrong… Very long ago I happened to be on my way to work early one Sunday morning and it was a wintery blustery day ..about 6:30am.. When I came to a stop sign there crossed in front of me a Salvation army gentleman…a senior. Now I never ever pick up anyone but because of the weather, the time, no buses I did ask him if he wanted a lift…totally out of my nature to do so.

    He was only in my car a very couple of minutes and he asked me if I knew if I died was I going to heaven… He kinda got me off guard but I stammered something like … ‘well I hope so’… He said I could ‘know’ so …. If I believe that Jesus was indeed the son of God…then I was going to Heaven… He said if I would read a chapter in the Bible that day and he would pray for me…then I could know.

    For some reason I couldn’t forget what he said and that night I did read what he suggested… I think that was the beginning of my search for more knowledge…

    Having said that life was still difficult especially the years of depression that I went through and yet I never did feel like blaming God.. I’ve had several experiences that have shown me He was with me through whatever.
    I had a lot of fears also…maybe different but crippling sometimes… There was one scripture that I used to quote over and over whenever they’d come… and that was .. “God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind” I don’t really know a lot of verses but that one has always stuck…

    I hope you don’t allow your fears keep you from enjoying life to it’s fullest…you deserve to have joy and be happy…

    Hope you don’t mind my long comment or the substance of it… I don’t often say too much in this regard but I felt led to tonight… Hope I haven’t offended you … Diane

  3. ottomummyl says:

    Oh dear, i have an alternative view. It’s your life, take a hold of it and form it to your wishes. If that involves your god, so be it. But it doesn’t have to and it isn’t lonely if you do not have an imaginary friend. I have found that i do not need anyone to influence my life with threats of heaven and hell. I try to be a good person, i fit into society, what more can you ask. Without a god I’m still healthy, happy and I’m also, given my life experiences, a little wiser. Be true to yourself and stop worrying about stuff that is beyond your control. Focus on earning that money so you can afford to move out. Give everything (within reason) a go because who knows, apart from you, what’s going to work for you.

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