This world is a crazy place. I constantly have misconceptions of who I am and what the world is around me.
I am working on finding a place to live. I am looking into renting a room….we shall see, I pray I am not in over my head.
I have been mentioning God lately. Perhaps it’s because he is a good copout, or perhaps it’s because I am yearning to feel the connection I once felt I had with a (my) higher power.
I lied to my teacher about why I was going to miss my last class today. I told her an elderly person I take care of had a stroke…and I went on some more. Yes my father had been on my mind lately but there was no need to throw out there that my father passed away recently. I just wanted to run away from the world today and I could not think of good enough excuse to leave class. Perhaps I could have told my teacher that I felt emotionally volatile, extremely depressed and just need to escape. Drinking had been on my mind lately, I was going to go out with a friend but she canceled so I went to the mountain and did some homework instead.
I feel my only solution to my emotional instability is to move out, rent a room…I am being picky about a roommate and go on my way. I want to feel free of having to pick people up. I want to be free of obligation to family because I am under their roof (rightfully so on their part)…So I am going to work two very long days Monday and Wednesday, go to school Tuesdays and Thursdays and spend the weekend studying and seeing friends. I am still searching for a purpose in life. To some degree I feel the world owes me but logically I know it owes me nothing, yet it expects that I keep going….so I go.
Am I a bad person? Am I going to hell for lying to my teacher and for lying to my family? Will I go to hell because I am angry at all the pain and horror I have seen in my life? THE REAL QUESTION IS IF THERE IS EVEN A HELL. I chose to believe there is no hell…
I must strive to be a better person. I have the opportunity to engage with a wonderful man into a potentially amazing relationship, but I wont. I am not in a place to be close to a guy. I feel anxious about getting hurt. I am afraid of falling in love and losing that person. I am afraid of them dying. I am most afraid that they will get to know me and not love me; men fall in love with me easily….and then they get to know me and see that I am very complex, have major PTSD, I am an alcoholic in recovery and I probably have some form of mild bipolar…if not major anxiety and depression.
Why life? Why God? Why try….? Fuck, I guess I have to.