I’m in a cave

I’m in a crazy place. I stopped my job with the old couple I have been taking care of. I worked with them for a year, they are like family to me and I miss them. I could not afford to continue driving like I was and my car could not take it. In fact, my car is three-years-old and in the shop right now getting a new transmission. I was driving close to 200 miles five to seven times a week for work. I am going to continue working for my granddad, at his apartments.

This is what I sent to the man that I love  and just broke up with: I needed you Sat, I needed to be close to you…. you wanted to be alone. I guess that sums it all up from my perspective. I’m sorry everything was so abrupt.

But it was not your fault about the miscommunication, it was mine and I’m sorry. I think I just need to be alone right now as I figure shit out in my life. I set unrealistic expectations on you and I’m sorry for that too. I am really sad about us and hope that we can be friends.

My thinking was that if I feel alone now and long to be near him and he’s not there and does not want to be, why do I keep putting myself in that same situation with him. I love him, I want to be near him and I want to love him but we show it two different ways….unfortunately. I wish it would have worked out. This brings me back to my break-up with my ex-husband. I wanted him to show me he loved me more, he seemed distant and cut off. I felt emotionally neglected from him when I felt I fulfilled that need for him. I guess I feel the same way with the man I just broke up with. I ask him how he is doing and how his day went but I don’t feel even that gesture of daily affirmation from him was present….let alone expecting him to ask what my schedule will be like for the next week to make sure we were going to see each other. I felt he didn’t care that a week was going to go by without us being together. Perhaps that would have been okay but I was dreading it… Though he didn’t fill me emotionally, I was seeking it and trying to communicate what I needed. Perhaps I didn’t communicate well; I don’t know.

He and I have been dating since sometime in July and became a couple in September. I freaked out  in August when he said he wanted to be in a relationship and told him I was not in a spot to be in a relationship. A month later I asked him how he felt if I put a pic of us up on facebook and he responded with, can we change our relationship status? I agreed but it took me two days to log on to FB and accept. The thought of a “relationship” takes me to a place of expectations and expectations equals unhappiness in most cases.

Perhaps I should just be alone. Perhaps there is not another person in this world who could fulfill the needs I have.

I am in a crazy spot. I chose to be in the situation I am in. I moved from my grandparents and became very poor very quickly. I am applying for food-stamps. It’s crazy being in this spot, I am depressed. I know I could go back to them but my depression was worse and different. I will be okay. I was going to take today and go to art studios and shops to see if anyone is hiring:network. But I really just don’t want to do much of anything. I have not eaten much, I have a headache. I have worked on my art…school is going very well. I feel that school is the only thing I have in life. It is taking all of my energy to keep going but I get a lot of my energy from my art classes.

I need to find a job in the city I live in and I need to be looking now, but I took today to just be down. I just made my bed which is good and I am gathering the things I need to get food-stamps so I can go fax the paperwork. I need to make myself some food. I have not taken a shower or brushed my teeth in two days (and I am a hygiene freak). I need to snap out of this; let the boyfriend go, make sure homework is done and I am ready for school in the morning, get food together for tomorrow, spend some time online applying for jobs (perhaps I’ll get out of the house and go to a coffee shop to do that tonight), change attitude (I will die eventually, be like Solomon and live).

I have been wallowing in the sadness of my break-up and unfulfilled expectations, my fathers b-day was yesterday and his one-year anniversary of his death is on the 22nd of this month, I left the cute old people I was taking care of for a year and I miss them dearly and I have made some decisions lately that has not been good for my soul but it is time to stop making lists of the shit going on and get active with myself.


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8 Responses to I’m in a cave

  1. Hala J. says:

    Best of luck…and I’m so sorry your relationship didn’t work out…you deserve better, and you are a hard worker. You will get better, I’m rooting for ya!

  2. You have had and do now a lot of areas with stressors…so it’s no wonder you’re feeling down. I don’t think you are expecting too much from a relationship… Wanting to know that the other person is as committed as you…is not out of whack… and there can be someone who is of the same mind… You’re right not to settle for anything less … But I can only imagine how you are feeling right now… I hope that you get things sorted out in the different matters that you are facing… Just be extra good to yourself… Thoughts are with you… Diane

  3. bpnana says:

    As a person much much older than you, who has been through a similar experience, hang on and do what you’ve written down that is positive. All of the things you need to do FOR YOU! Love is something that is everywhere. Some people are meant to be in our lives for only a while, and even when love seems to let you down, don’t believe it! People let you down. Not love. And your chances of finding the right person for you are very high, as long as you take care of yourself first, then others. It’s a truth that I hope you can learn early in life. You deserve to be happy! Good Luck!

  4. mynewtruth3 says:

    I’ve been following your blog because sounds similar to the situation I am in. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You deserve so much better for your life. You deserve to be in a fulfilling and loving relationship. I do understand that you need a friend to encourage you in your moments of despair. Here are the words of wisdom my friend told me. There are ONLY moments.

    My lost companion taught me so much about myself and about the life in the past few months. I’ll bet she really has no idea. She told me that we create our reality and that we alone are responsible we forming the future. Our circumstances are not permanent. It’s only a matter of knowing what we really want . . . setting an intention to get it and acting on it in the real world.

    Ask yourself what you want? It sounds like you are unsure. That may be why you are getting what you see. Listen to the voices that speak your truth . . . dismiss the ones that keep you trapped in a false and undesirable reality. This is what my lost companion has been saying to me for the past couple of weeks or even months.

    I can tell you that changing your feelings and your reality . . . is a choice. Moods and feelings are nothing more than a choice. It’s easy to get your enthusiasm, excitement, and happiness back by realizing this and telling yourself that it is true. Repeat this to yourself. “It is a choice. I can be happy. I am happy. I will do the things that bring joy to my life.” After a while a positive mood will set in and your circumstances will change. My friend told me that “you” are the change you seek.

  5. Hi, pleasure to meet you. :0) I do hope you start feeling better. I lost my Dad almost 10 years ago. It’s so hard. Even still. You’re probably going to feel lost for a few years. It’s completely normal, and totally understandable. Be easy and forgiving with yourself right now. They had to lock me away when my Dad died- on the Psych ward. I totally lost it. And again when my two children were taken away. They never came back. I say all of that to say, I’ve been through a heck of a lot. It’s amazing what the heart and mind can endure- but they can and do, and still, we live. I’m touched by your struggles and I hope you think about this- the harder the struggles, the greater the triumphs. You’re going to make it. xo

    • It is amazing what the heart and mind can endure, you are a strong woman! Yes, we live!!! WE are going to make it. Thank you for writing my friend. I am sorry to hear about your kids, that’s a very hard thing to have to go through….I can’t even imagine. Stay strong friend!!!

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