I’m in a crazy place. I stopped my job with the old couple I have been taking care of. I worked with them for a year, they are like family to me and I miss them. I could not afford to continue driving like I was and my car could not take it. In fact, my car is three-years-old and in the shop right now getting a new transmission. I was driving close to 200 miles five to seven times a week for work. I am going to continue working for my granddad, at his apartments.
This is what I sent to the man that I love and just broke up with: I needed you Sat, I needed to be close to you…. you wanted to be alone. I guess that sums it all up from my perspective. I’m sorry everything was so abrupt.
But it was not your fault about the miscommunication, it was mine and I’m sorry. I think I just need to be alone right now as I figure shit out in my life. I set unrealistic expectations on you and I’m sorry for that too. I am really sad about us and hope that we can be friends.
My thinking was that if I feel alone now and long to be near him and he’s not there and does not want to be, why do I keep putting myself in that same situation with him. I love him, I want to be near him and I want to love him but we show it two different ways….unfortunately. I wish it would have worked out. This brings me back to my break-up with my ex-husband. I wanted him to show me he loved me more, he seemed distant and cut off. I felt emotionally neglected from him when I felt I fulfilled that need for him. I guess I feel the same way with the man I just broke up with. I ask him how he is doing and how his day went but I don’t feel even that gesture of daily affirmation from him was present….let alone expecting him to ask what my schedule will be like for the next week to make sure we were going to see each other. I felt he didn’t care that a week was going to go by without us being together. Perhaps that would have been okay but I was dreading it… Though he didn’t fill me emotionally, I was seeking it and trying to communicate what I needed. Perhaps I didn’t communicate well; I don’t know.
He and I have been dating since sometime in July and became a couple in September. I freaked out in August when he said he wanted to be in a relationship and told him I was not in a spot to be in a relationship. A month later I asked him how he felt if I put a pic of us up on facebook and he responded with, can we change our relationship status? I agreed but it took me two days to log on to FB and accept. The thought of a “relationship” takes me to a place of expectations and expectations equals unhappiness in most cases.
Perhaps I should just be alone. Perhaps there is not another person in this world who could fulfill the needs I have.
I am in a crazy spot. I chose to be in the situation I am in. I moved from my grandparents and became very poor very quickly. I am applying for food-stamps. It’s crazy being in this spot, I am depressed. I know I could go back to them but my depression was worse and different. I will be okay. I was going to take today and go to art studios and shops to see if anyone is hiring:network. But I really just don’t want to do much of anything. I have not eaten much, I have a headache. I have worked on my art…school is going very well. I feel that school is the only thing I have in life. It is taking all of my energy to keep going but I get a lot of my energy from my art classes.
I need to find a job in the city I live in and I need to be looking now, but I took today to just be down. I just made my bed which is good and I am gathering the things I need to get food-stamps so I can go fax the paperwork. I need to make myself some food. I have not taken a shower or brushed my teeth in two days (and I am a hygiene freak). I need to snap out of this; let the boyfriend go, make sure homework is done and I am ready for school in the morning, get food together for tomorrow, spend some time online applying for jobs (perhaps I’ll get out of the house and go to a coffee shop to do that tonight), change attitude (I will die eventually, be like Solomon and live).
I have been wallowing in the sadness of my break-up and unfulfilled expectations, my fathers b-day was yesterday and his one-year anniversary of his death is on the 22nd of this month, I left the cute old people I was taking care of for a year and I miss them dearly and I have made some decisions lately that has not been good for my soul but it is time to stop making lists of the shit going on and get active with myself.
I NEED TO EMERGE