I am tired and drained. I feel the strong weather shift.
I am sad about my father, I am angry about my mother and feel alone but in this feeling of abandonment. When we get down to it we are all alone, seeking the love of another…and that love comes in one way or another. I have been seeking love because I want to feel an equality with another human being that I have not found.
The reality of my father’s death hit me hard today. I was okay… a little rough around the edges but I did my best. Not only did I have an hour and a half car ride that kicked my ass sitting for that long, I was left with an overwhelming feeling of sadness when I left my stepmothers house today. I was everything she needed me to be, I gave her strength and love. She was left with a feeling of empowerment and confidence in who she was. Unfortunately I underestimated the situation I was walking into. I thought I would be okay, but I wasn’t. I spent the night in the house my father killed himself in and it really got to me. I felt sad for the passing of a man that I once saw as a hero and realized quickly he was an addict. Today pushed me emotionally and I have to keep my balance.