I Needed to Purge

Day of rest. Today is my mental day of rest. I am drained, my well is nearly dry. Light RA attach, but nothing too bad.

I am an introvert and I need alone time every day to rejuvenate. I have not had alone time for a few weeks now. I live with an immature and selfish gay man who wears a chip on his shoulder. He is a risky person for me to be around simply due to his inability to read his moral compass. My anxiety elevates when he is around. I am going to move out but I am trying to be patient. I don’t want to act impulsively. My plan is working. Since I scared the shit out of him he got tags for his car, called the landlord and asked him if he could do work for him for rent (so I don’t have to pay it all) and got a new job that he is starting this week. When I got home the other day, he had the laundry I accidently left in the dryer folded and put out nicely on the table. He normally takes my clothes and shoves them in a small hamper, leaving me to do laundry again. I make it a point to fold his laundry and go out of my way to lead by example….4 months and he is just now getting it. When I am having an RA attack, it can be very hard to simply do laundry…let alone work, school work and so on.  This winter was bad, very bad, but the season is changing. I felt it a few weeks ago, just before the big snow we had here in the South. I am feeling better.

When I feel better, I have more energy. I am excited about the summer!!! I love the South. I don’t want to leave this area. I am excited to go hiking again and maybe go fishing this summer. I like my life here. No matter what happens with my job and with men, I know I will always land on my feet. I am doing things right now.

I miss the elderly couple I took care of. In a previous blog I mentioned that I took advantage of them. I took advantage of the fact that they were like family to me, I got cozy and probably should have paid more attention to certain things. As I look back, they were family, all I had out here until my world expanded when I moved to a bigger city. I don’t talk to them much anymore, I can’t. It was a job that I am so thankful I had but I don’t have the emotional energy to give, when I can do nothing. The elderly lady forgot who I am, so when I call she gets angry when he puts her on the phone to talk to me. I hear them argue about who I am when he hands her the phone…it is bitter sweet to hear that. I have realized over the last year that people come and go, it is a part of life…NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

I have not found one genuine person that can stick around for me, I weed people out and in turn, weed myself out.

I am a bird, I fly where the wind takes me. I try to use logic when soaring my path, I am learning.

I had a conversation with LC a few weeks ago, I know I really upset him and I truly did not mean to. I thought I could help in an area I realize I can’t. I don’t know everything, I am aware of that. I try to apply what I have learned and perhaps it’s not always the right way. I am trying to stay quite and not interject. The big boss asked us a question the other day. I shut up and let the other employee speak before I said what I thought…and then I went off. From now on, I will try not to go off when giving my opinion. I will do like I did before, let them come to me. I have gotten far too comfortable with the people I work with (in general). Connecting with human beings is what I was called to do but my craft is still being molded. I have a lot to learn.

LC and I work together, he is my boss. At times I feel like I am training him but that’s okay. I believe the saying, Love is a commitment to personal and mutual growth. What LC has taught me and made me aware of, is far beyond anything I have done for him. He is a strong man. I am so proud to see how far he has come since I have met him. His friendship has helped me become a stronger woman.


Thoughts on the owner: The owner of the company I work for seems like a genuinely nice man. I like to talk to him and banter about the product we sell, it’s fun. I get excited about the product like I do art products. I have a tool in my hand that can save lives (as far as we know) and has helped me….and it’s fun. I also like working with people. I am puzzled by the relationship LC and the owner have. In some way they are family…but everyone is family out here. And from my perspective I see an interesting dynamic between the two of them. I stopped caring about trying to understand their relationship recently. Some things are not for me to understand but the artist in me wants to know. Any who, the owner is spending more time at work and I question what that’s about. I just focus on my job and keep it at that. I like my job so it’s not hard.

LC: After all the time I have spent with that man, I am still trying to figure him out. I mentioned yesterday in a previous blog that he does not know my story, the fact is I don’t know his either. We have not had a lot of time outside of work to talk and things are getting back on track at work (work being the focus) so perhaps I will never know. We have not had sex. He finally kissed me last week, it was beautiful. I feel like I waited forever but now I am willing to wait as long as I have to for a sexual relationship. I am not sure if we will ever have sex and that’s okay. I can see myself with him in all ways but I know that reality is not always what I want. I am coming to grips with the fact that our relationship is just work and allowing myself to accept it.  I want him to know that I respect him more than I have any other man I have encountered. I want him to know that he has shown me genuine love from another that I have not felt in a very long time. I also want him to know that I know I am a handful and I understand his situation more than he knows; I have tried to be logical in my understanding. He wont know these things. I wont tell him. I think it makes him uncomfortable when I express how I feel. I only “know” that he loves me based on his actions. It’s okay if he decides I am not what he wants. I have never found a man that can love all of me, I have hope he does but I don’t know.

I may have to look for a new job. I make good money compared to my cost of living but if I want to move out to a decent area, I just need to make a little bit more money. I have had an offer from another company but that’s the enemy… My morals are just to aligned to work for a crooked company. I believe in customer service and a willingness to understand each individual and their needs which is something a company like that does not provide. I don’t want to get into higher management, school is my focus. An assistant management position somewhere would be nice. I am in waiting. I am looking but in waiting. I am learning to be patient and not simply react on emotion. The situation I am in is an incredible test of character and right now very beneficial to who I am as a person.

Ok, I took the day off. I am caught up in all my classes but my online class. I am going to relax and read today, perhaps do some picking up but let myself be. I wish I had a friend to have coffee with for an hour or two. I have two people in my life that I truly consider a friend; one is out flying a falcon and the other is unattainable. The other people in my life are just those that I have been able to touch, they are not on the same page as me… but I am strong.

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2 Responses to I Needed to Purge

  1. I can feel your strength and resolve in your words … and you feel it too.. In every area that you mentioned you seem to have the right attitude .. not to rush into anything whether it’ is the relationship or a new job.. You have come so far …. and you’re in a good place… Take care Diane

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