When I look back at the last few months of my life I am baffled. A lot has gone on.
I will call the man who holds my heart LC. LC is a very interesting individual. He is sexy from head to toe. He is funny and smart. I believe he is a beautiful father and puts her first, as he should. I also know what his insecurities are, as I am sure he does most of mine. He has taught me a lot. Thanks to him I realize I am dyslexic. I love being taught, in any capacity. I get frustrated with his unwillingness to communicate his feelings at times, perhaps that can be a good thing that he doesn’t. His daughter is beautiful, I am thankful for the time I have gotten with her. Those random thoughts all being said, I don’t feel like he can handle me. I don’t think he understands where I am at with my RA. I don’t want to be a burden. At this point, if nothing comes of the relationship I have with him I can accept it. I come with a lot of emotions and experiences that I am not sure he can relate to or understand. I do love him, he is such a beautiful man. If I let myself fall head-over-heals for him, he could absolutely crush me. I can’t even stomach the thought of being with another man. I yearn to be close to him but being close draws me in even more.
LC told me recently that, “things take time,” and he is right. I am thankful I see that now. Like the logic I try to practice in my life…if I don’t react and sit back and contemplate, I generally come up with the right conclusions.
I am not in a place to be in love. I have started over many times in my life, all with the same damn drunken outcome….but not this time. I am focused and need to stay focused. The situation I am in is a hard one. It could be totally ideal and yet the end result is heartbreak. I am the problem, I foresee myself being a block in his life, more than he could ever be to me; I don’t want to do that to him.
I keep reminding myself of what I learned in AA… One day at a time. Just for today.
As far as school goes, everything rocks. I love being an artist. I am thinking about changing my major again. I am now going for a fine arts and journalism degree but I am thinking about fine arts and some type of marketing…I will think about it.
As far as moving goes, I have a plan and it’s working. Karma is not always a bitch. Good things happen when you put out good things. INTENT!