The Man I Call LC and Random Thoughts

When I look back at the last few months of my life I am baffled. A lot has gone on.

I will call the man who holds my heart LC. LC is a very interesting individual. He is sexy from head to toe. He is funny and smart. I believe he is a beautiful father and puts her first, as he should. I also know what his insecurities are, as I am sure he does most of mine. He has taught me a lot. Thanks to him I realize I am dyslexic. I love being taught, in any capacity. I get frustrated with his unwillingness to communicate his feelings at times, perhaps that can be a good thing that he doesn’t. His daughter is beautiful, I am thankful for the time I have gotten with her. Those random thoughts all being said, I don’t feel like he can handle me. I don’t think he understands where I am at with my RA. I don’t want to be a burden. At this point, if nothing comes of the relationship I have with him I can accept it. I come with a lot  of emotions and experiences that I am not sure he can relate to or understand. I do love him, he is such a beautiful man. If I let myself fall head-over-heals for him, he could absolutely crush me. I can’t even stomach the thought of being with another man. I yearn to be close to him but being close draws me in even more.

LC told me recently that, “things take time,” and he is right. I am thankful I see that now. Like the logic I try to practice in my life…if I don’t react and sit back and contemplate, I generally come up with the right conclusions.

I am not in a place to be in love. I have started over many times in my life, all with the same damn drunken outcome….but not this time. I am focused and need to stay focused. The situation I am in is a hard one. It could be totally ideal and yet the end result is heartbreak. I am the problem, I foresee myself being a block in his life, more than he could ever be to me; I don’t want to do that to him.

I keep reminding myself of what I learned in AA… One day at a time. Just for today.

As far as school goes, everything rocks. I love being an artist. I am thinking about changing my major again. I am now going for a fine arts and journalism degree but I am thinking about fine arts and some type of marketing…I will think about it.

As far as moving goes, I have a plan and it’s working. Karma is not always a bitch. Good things happen when you put out good things. INTENT!

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5 Responses to The Man I Call LC and Random Thoughts

  1. You know what you want out of this relationship and of course you need to do what you feel. I may just interject that you shouldn’t negate some possibilities because you foresee or as I learned in CBT ‘fortunetelling’ (what you see as the predicted outcome) You have issues of course but you need to allow LC the opportunity to decide for himself whether or not he can ‘handle you’… I know you’re afraid of being hurt if you expect too much… but don’t expect too little either…

    Just some thoughts.. take care.. Diane

    • Thank you 763, those are some good insights. I am not a fortuneteller, I just see an outcome based on reality. I do know at times my thoughts can get a head of me. I appreciate the grounding insight!

  2. lauramacky says:

    I agree with the previous poster. I do know where you’re coming from having a myriad of physical issues myself, although they happened after I got married. I still feel the guilt that my hubby shouldn’t have to deal with all this, so I sort of know where you’re coming from. But in order to have great love, we have to allow it to flow and be received. What good is love if it’s shoved down inside us? It ends up being a wall that we create in our minds and that no one will be allowed to penetrate. Of course, we have to be smart too and protect ourselves by not letting our imaginations take over or someone else to trample our feelings. Just some thoughts…

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