Few More Thoughts…

He says he was only joking, I hope he was. I have a hard time knowing because he still refuses to be real with me and tell me the truth. I just want peace in my life. I YEARN for it to the core. I can be what he wants me to be at work…in time things will change. I am in waiting.

I am not a paranoid person, I am an extremely private for a reason. Given my life experiences, I have learned to protect myself. It’s time, now that I am going to be living alone soon, to take higher precautions. This city has not been safe to me yet, I have high hope for my new place to come.

I have been through things in my life that I have never written about, things that were done to me that I can’t ever talk about. I can not watch people being abused or crying in pain because I was made to do things to my sister and so on. The first 17 years of my life were pure terror. I decided at a young age that I was going to be strong and had to stick up for myself because no one else did. I am not crazy; major PTSD yes. I have sought help throughout my adulthood and will always be working on my issues…this blog is a tool. I live a life of compassion. I don’t want to hurt anyone or want anyone to hurt and need to protect myself at the same time; it’s a hard balance. I believe in the yen yang effect. Good things are happening in my life and I have learned to accept that the negative things come along with it.

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5 Responses to Few More Thoughts…

  1. bpnana says:

    Hang on. You may not realize it, but every time you express your innermost feelings, hurt and pain and someone reads it here, you’re doing not only yourself, but others a great deal of good!
    Love to You! Nana xx

  2. It is so good you’re not letting this issue override how far you’ve come. It likely would be good if you were able to find another job and then your own place… maybe to distance yourself as much as you can from him…. he hasn’t been good for your feelings of well-being… I’ll pray toward that end…. take care… Diane

  3. Wade Webster says:

    You aren’t being paranoid. Your life experiences are growing into wisdom. You know too well how harsh this world is. Self-protection is a necessity.
    LC sounds like someone who needs more time for his experiences to grow into wisdom. Don’t rush into anything with him. He will likely benefit from spending time with you, but, that doesn’t mean a deep relationship needs to happen between you two.
    You are strong. Standing on your own two feet is very becoming on you. Keep taking life one step at a time.

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