My Decisions

I moved in with my friend today.

I have looked for a savior and I realize there is no one on this earth that can truly protect me. I am free of fear from what others may do to me. I have a lot of people looking out for me. I put trust into people far too easily but I have a lot of good friends out here. I have not shared everything. I am not an idiot…perhaps slow at times but not stupid.

Even as I knew things were not going strait, I believed in him. I believed him. Going out and speaking to a man I felt uncomfortable around right in front of me let me know I was right about him at that very moment. He knew his intent.

I looked him dead in the eye, with full intent, when he and I went to dinner the other night. He told me a story that I knew was BS and I looked at him and said, please don’t curse me. I said it because I have already been seeing it happen. I want peace and that is what I strive for in my life but I can’t be backed into a corner…it makes people fight and I don’t want to fight. Perhaps when put to the true test I will roll over because losing the fight can make a bigger impact.

The light around him has faded. I don’t care that he has read my most intimate writings, when I am dead (or perhaps before I die) I will be exposed and I am at peace with that. My world is not secluded, as I know his isn’t either. I have talked to some about my fears in this situation…like I have done before in my life with others I have come to see with no light. I have never wanted to take anything away from him like he has me. I will carry on, I know my life is short anyway so I have come to accept that my death will be sooner than what others think theirs is going to be.

Tower.

I trusted this person was genuine and his intent was for personal and mutual growth. He knew every nook and cranny to break me down but he didn’t. I trusted him, I believed him and I can’t believe he would threaten me. I told him not to fuck with me, it was no threat, it was me asking him to be real. I really fell for him. I really thought he was a wonderful man. I had phone sex with him three times and I am ashamed. He was stringing me along to make his ex jealous, perhaps? He takes what I say and twists it around. I wish he could just love me like I thought he did but I don’t always get what I want and I don’t want a gold medallion, I have my own. I am sad and angry but thankful I see this now. I have always wanted to help, in every situation, never take over.

I believe these are character strengthening exercises in my life.

I believe in love.

I believe in hope.

I believe that people sink their own ship and can’t blame others.

I believe life is hard but worth the fight.

I am a fighter. My best friend is a fighter and those around me are, I caught on to you a little while ago. I can not give away all of my strengths.

I am happy I made the decision to move into a house where multiple families reside and they welcome me. I know that I am not always safe but that’s where knowing how to take care of car trouble, people fallowing me and looking around when I drive to stay alert……and much more, come in handy. It may take me a second but boy when I get it, I get it and I get into action.  My trust was betrayed. I already know my outcome in this life  and I accept it. Mark my words…I will not fear. Peace can be between two people like the two of us, that is what I hope for.

I am a hard worker, worked hard to get here and feel like I have the gift of touching others lives with what I have been through. My higher power is bigger than any bad thing that will happen to me on my journey.

I stopped hanging out with people who drink and brought me down. I stopped smoking marijuana (I own nothing that goes along with it) and stopped smoking cigarettes, I am a vaper now and love it! I have lost 40lbs for the RA and I am so proud of myself with what I believe is humility.

I will not put myself in a situation where I can get in trouble. I can focus on the good. I will work hard and continue on my path.

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4 Responses to My Decisions

  1. I can’t even hazard a guess at what’s been going on… but he (who I’m not sure) L.C.?? has caused you extreme distress… I hope you are able to sort things out but not hang on to ‘fear’…. Don’t let someone do that to you if you can help it. I can’t however know what exactly happened so I can’t say ‘don’t fear’…. I am so sorry that this has happened… take care ..thinking of you… Diane xo

  2. laurabennet says:

    Praying for you and whatever the situation is. I’m so sorry for your pain. You have been on a good path of healing and you can continue on in spite of this setback. I am “… confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Phil. 1:6

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