I was afraid of death until the one year anniversary of my fathers death. The harsh reality that death is eminent hit me like a ton of bricks and I have run with that thought ever since. Having the form of RA that I do also solidifies my acceptance. In my lack of attachment to the fear of death, I have been open to more knowledge on life. My mind is clearer and my heart more tender. In my tenderness I trust people. Most people are good. Most people will love unconditionally. Most people want good for others. I say this knowing that there are some in my life that I feel don’t look at the world like most people do. There is a reason I don’t own very many things. There is a reason I am unattached to money like some people are; it leaves me free of the things that burden those that can not live beyond this worlds riches, for those riches are truly the devils loot. I now stay unattached to any substance for fear it may bring me down and I keep it away. I always need to have a clear mind, we all do.
I want to fly away and be a bird. When I meditated the other day, I went away like a bird. I wanted to share my beautiful meditation with you but the fear of continuing to reach out because my computer has been hacked stopped me. It took some time for me to realize that living is loving and reaching out.
Hope: My life has been an up-mountain battle but I chose to climb it and I am now at the top. I know I don’t have the strength to go down slowly so I’m starting to roll. I hope we all continue to roll.
I thank all of you who have read my blog throughout the last three years. You have given me hope and strength beyond belief and for that I am forever indebted.
One last thought on death: I don’t think I will leave this earth in a timely manner. I feel it being close but I don’t know when and what close looks like yet. Too many bad things have been happening to me over the last few months and have increased over the last few weeks…things that greatly threaten my life. Like I wrote in a previous blog, I have taken all the measures necessary to protect myself and now I wait. Who knows what will happen to me. I am not afraid of getting tortured or raped, been there. I am not afraid of losing everything or anyone, been there. Life is short. The only thing I am afraid of is living in a constant state of fear. So, I will not fear.
A distant friend I talked to about my situation and told me, I’ll read about you some day. If that’s the case, I hope you know that right now my greatest accomplishment in life is to let go. I am proud of my sobriety. I am thankful for the lives I have touched and that have touched me. I am proud that I was able to show love to those who were suffering. I am thankful I have been given the opportunity to grow into the person I am now. I have made a lot of mistakes in my day but I learn from them and apply lessons learned.
I have done some things with Big Brother that I am ashamed of but in doing them, I was reading. I learned that any trust given has died with the lies. I am right in my thirst for protection for myself. I am so thankful to be where I am at, at this moment.
Life has not been as clear to me as it has been the last year. When I reflect back on my old writings, I see how far I have come in expressing myself and the clarity of mind that I have now. I see my growth in detaching and recognizing unhealthy things and people. I wish for strength and healing for those who may be struggling. I have been there, I understand. I still struggle and make tough decisions I wish I did not have to but overall, I know I have been on a beautiful path.
He scares me, his intent is beyond what I can imagine….I just know I am getting in his way so I will go. He wont let me go but he needs to. I want to live in peace and be free.
I hope you live a beautiful and full life. Thank you friends. I’ll be back.