Okay…

I took some time to think about my situation today and realize the psych ward was to get me back on track but I still need time to focus on getting back my mental energy, I am coming out of complete mental exhaustion…which made me impatient at the hospital for 8 days.

I am going to take a couple of weeks before I look for a new job. I always feel like I need to keep going but my mind needs a break. I am thankful I got the 8 days I did.

I have been through a lot these last 30 years and the mental break down I just went through was the culmination of it all. Yes, bad things were happening in my life but I also manifested some of what was going on. I am in acceptance of my position in life and trying to embrace it.

I moved most of my things today but wont move into my new place for probably a week or so.  My body is swollen but my mental fortitude is strong.

I am taking the medication that was prescribed to me. I feel that it is helping. I am thankful I got to take that time in the psych ward…I helped a lot of people and people helped me. I felt taken care of. By the end of my time there, everyone was on my side and believed in me and left me with the hope of success. That meant more to me than anything. A bit of my faith in humanity was restored. My friend was there for me. She has taught me what a mother should teach their child. She was my advocate and friend and for her I am deeply thankful. She believed in me as an artist for the first time. She believes in my mental strength and my determination to do the right thing. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. Despite what her truths are, she saved my life by being the hope that I needed to stay strong. I am deeply grateful and thankful.

I am strong but very weak. I am weak but very strong.

I am wearing the hemp necklace that I had when I was a kid. From the age of 12 to 15 I think I wore that necklace everyday. It bears the medallions of my favorite saints and Christ on the cross. If anything has made me have more faith in life it’s been the last few weeks. I am not afraid to die, I know it is inevitable and I’ve been very close to it throughout my life. I don’t obsess about it now but I am always aware that my time on this earth is short. In 100 years none of you reading this right now will be here so now is the time to love unconditionally; I believe it is the only thing that lasts. Evil or negativity or whatever you want to call it lasts too but love is much more powerful.

My friend warned me today that some of my old friends know I was in the psych ward and I told her I don’t care. I don’t care. I am human with very real and deep experiences in my life and unfortunately they have been severely tragic. But! In my life’s tragedy I find strength beyond belief.

Hope.

When I was in the ward I tried to commit suicide. It was not for me, it was for humanity. I felt so sad from all of the darkness I have seen and been through in my life I wanted to end my life. That was the second time I really have tried to kill myself. The first was the last night I drank. At times the mental pain is too much to bare.

I am a train and my engine was running on fumes. My tank is filling but due to the capacity of the tank it will take a while to fill. In the mean time I am being proactive in my life. I am still very sad but that’s okay. I am still tense but it can be a good thing to sit on the tension. I am healing; my life and my story is all about healing.

I had a beautiful conversation with my brother the other day. It was so nice to see him in his voice and hear his character. He is a great person that I hope will someday do amazing good for this world, he has the ability and I try to nurture that. I told him that I love him more than anything and that he was given a gift with the heart and mind he has. I told him to pass it on and love unconditionally. I expressed my sadness for the mother we have but told him that I have always tried to compensate because he deserves it. I love that kid.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I need you more than ever right now and I know that you are on my side. I have never felt closer. Tomorrow something might happen that may take me away from this feeling but for right now, I am thankful I feel close to you again.

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