Here and now

I was woken up by a cat. I have grown to dislike this cat that I call Blackie. He is more like an annoying puppy that wont go away but I am thankful he likes me.

There have been things that have gone on in my life as far as the abuse goes that I have never written about. I don’t like to talk or think about the abuse though I feel it’s fuel on a daily basis. When I was at the ward and talking to a coke addict, I found out he was nervous to leave detox and change his ways. I told him that the ward is a false sense of security and safety, we have to walk out of those doors taking what we have learned with us. I realize the worlds description (false sense of security) and I can rest in that thought, I feel no fear…just for today.

The man I call LC is still in my heart. I am trying to push my feelings aside and allow myself to be free of him. He has my heart and has for a while now, it’s hard to just let that go but I am working on it. I am reminded of his outbursts which truly make me smile. I handled him well, I felt he was safe. I still feel he is safe. He was called to do something that was beyond me and I accept that. For whatever reason I am still here.

The medication is working smoothly. So far no major side effects. It slows my thoughts down enough for me to concentrate. My mind is getting stronger. The RA took me down tonight but I still grabbed my oil pastels and worked on an assignment the teacher said may take 20 hours…not for me 🙂 I am an artist and excited to get back to doing what I do best, create!

I realize when I start work again, I need to be one on one with people. I like working with the public. I like being able to stand next to another human being and read them, it’s a gift. I like the passion that goes into breaking someone down to build them back up.

Jesus was the ultimate humanitarian. He took his death freely because of what he saw in the world. I believe he took the 33 years we don’t know about and traveled, saw the public and learned of what others do. He probably grew sour with disdain over what we human beings have done to one another. A few years back, when someone related Christ to me as a humanitarian, I decided I was going to be a humanitarian. I believe we are called to raise the souls of those who suffer. I have also come to an understanding that there are those who suffer and can not be saved. I choose the light so in my suffering I will be saved. Take the word “saved” as you will.

I’ve done a lot these last few days, took a lot of steps in my mental recovery. Not only do I have to work an RA and addicts program, I am also working a mental health recovery program. I can accept the fact that I am bipolar. I am knowledgeable enough in my self-awareness to know what I need to do for myself to be mentally stable. I look back as these last 6 months and I’m blown away that I survived it, kicking. I am a fighter and I fight for what’s right. The experiences I have make clear three ideas; I am strong, I will always try to do what’s right and I can trust my instincts.

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