Today

Today is a hard day. I have missed a lot of school due to all that went on in my world and it’s hard to get back in the swing of things.

I want to say I am tired but it’s my mind. I didn’t sleep well last night and had a nightmare about forgetting money for food and starving until I passes out. My dream revolved around school; my teacher looked at me when I walked in to the classroom and thought I was crazy. The fact is, when I talked to her today all I told her was I was in the mental ward for eight days. She smiled and said she talked to my friend and she is happy to see me. That was it and I am okay with that.

I am in and out of the reality I once felt. The old reality is what I wish I lived in at times, less fear but not as much truth. Truth is what I want in my life so I guess everything turned out the way it should.

I am still not afraid to die. I sat in my room last night and hugged the dog my friend gave me. I have to remind myself not to get too comfortable with things around me, they always change. The cool thing about this mindset is that I try to make the best of what I’ve got.

I slept badly last night but was able to get adequate hours of  sleep. I stopped drinking coffee a few days ago and I feel the lack of caffeine. I can tell it helps with the anxiety so I can’t complain.

As far as LC goes, my friend and I were talking about him. She seems to guide my heart away from him, perhaps that is what I should do. I know when I change my thoughts on what I feel for him I will be done; that’s why I am not ready to say goodbye quite yet…I probably should. He is not present in my life. I try to justify    his lack of presence by explaining his situation to myself; which is very complicated. The fact is, I am in love with a man that is just not there, I am aware of that.  If I get my old job back I will see him throughout the week which fills my cup. It does not matter what happens with him, if I go back to the job, I can focus on the job and let him go. I’ve had to do this with my heart before so I can do it again.

I am anxious about money and what I am going to do. I have help if I need it but I don’t want to need help, I want to do this on my own. My own is not always the right way and I see that. The support I have in my life is amazing and I am very blessed for it.

I do feel blessed today. The weather is amazing and I feel pretty damn good physically.

The medication I take is working splendidly. My thoughts are slower and I can concentrate. I have had trouble falling asleep because I can’t afford the night medication they prescribed to me so I have been taking over the counter sleep aid, it helps. The flood of PTSD memories have stopped. A few weeks with that medication allowed me to slow my thoughts enough to process, thankfully I am done processing new memories. I have PTSD medication I can take at night to help. I need to do research on the medication to see if both meds will work together. This whole thing sucks but I know I am not alone. There are a lot of people who suffer from a mental illness. I am finally in acceptance that I am Bipolar II.

I get overwhelmed when I think about all I have to do. I can’t let my mind roll with those thoughts, it’s about training my mind. I know that as long as I am doing everything I need to do and be proactive, I will be okay.

From a scale of 1-4. One being great and 4 being hospitalized, I would say I am a two today. A two is a good place to be. I am very blessed.

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One Response to Today

  1. Glad you’re at a ‘2’ … Are the things you have to do able to be somehow organized or written down to get them out of your head and onto paper… thereby relieving the constant thinking about them? Just a thought Diane

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