Today is a hard day. I have missed a lot of school due to all that went on in my world and it’s hard to get back in the swing of things.
I want to say I am tired but it’s my mind. I didn’t sleep well last night and had a nightmare about forgetting money for food and starving until I passes out. My dream revolved around school; my teacher looked at me when I walked in to the classroom and thought I was crazy. The fact is, when I talked to her today all I told her was I was in the mental ward for eight days. She smiled and said she talked to my friend and she is happy to see me. That was it and I am okay with that.
I am in and out of the reality I once felt. The old reality is what I wish I lived in at times, less fear but not as much truth. Truth is what I want in my life so I guess everything turned out the way it should.
I am still not afraid to die. I sat in my room last night and hugged the dog my friend gave me. I have to remind myself not to get too comfortable with things around me, they always change. The cool thing about this mindset is that I try to make the best of what I’ve got.
I slept badly last night but was able to get adequate hours of sleep. I stopped drinking coffee a few days ago and I feel the lack of caffeine. I can tell it helps with the anxiety so I can’t complain.
As far as LC goes, my friend and I were talking about him. She seems to guide my heart away from him, perhaps that is what I should do. I know when I change my thoughts on what I feel for him I will be done; that’s why I am not ready to say goodbye quite yet…I probably should. He is not present in my life. I try to justify his lack of presence by explaining his situation to myself; which is very complicated. The fact is, I am in love with a man that is just not there, I am aware of that. If I get my old job back I will see him throughout the week which fills my cup. It does not matter what happens with him, if I go back to the job, I can focus on the job and let him go. I’ve had to do this with my heart before so I can do it again.
I am anxious about money and what I am going to do. I have help if I need it but I don’t want to need help, I want to do this on my own. My own is not always the right way and I see that. The support I have in my life is amazing and I am very blessed for it.
I do feel blessed today. The weather is amazing and I feel pretty damn good physically.
The medication I take is working splendidly. My thoughts are slower and I can concentrate. I have had trouble falling asleep because I can’t afford the night medication they prescribed to me so I have been taking over the counter sleep aid, it helps. The flood of PTSD memories have stopped. A few weeks with that medication allowed me to slow my thoughts enough to process, thankfully I am done processing new memories. I have PTSD medication I can take at night to help. I need to do research on the medication to see if both meds will work together. This whole thing sucks but I know I am not alone. There are a lot of people who suffer from a mental illness. I am finally in acceptance that I am Bipolar II.
I get overwhelmed when I think about all I have to do. I can’t let my mind roll with those thoughts, it’s about training my mind. I know that as long as I am doing everything I need to do and be proactive, I will be okay.
From a scale of 1-4. One being great and 4 being hospitalized, I would say I am a two today. A two is a good place to be. I am very blessed.