Time is an amazing thing. It’s been nearly three weeks since the ward stay and I’m living the life I always wanted. I’m on my own and getting rid of my car; downgrading! I’m a student. I have a great dog. I’m on the right medication. I’m sober. I am an Artist. I have a good support system. I am eating healthy. I am vary blessed.
Yet, it’s an interesting phenomena how not living with the highs and lows can feel like a loss. I feel like a part of my personality has died. I don’t read people like I use to but I feel less anger and fear. I know I’m still me and can attach and detach as good as I could before. My sleeping is completely off kilter, so it’s hard to rate my agitation. The paranoid feelings I had have almost completely dissipated, moving to a better neighborhood has helped. My anxiety is much more under control but I can still have an anxiety attack at the drop of a hat. I still see auras around people which is comforting. I still believe I have gifts that are god given but they are not as intense anymore. I don’t pick up on others emotions and carry them with me like I use to. I really don’t care what most people think about me. But the greatest thing of all is I am still an artist and the medication helps me focus!
As for a job, I know I ‘m not anywhere close to working. I’m still very fragile. I know the RA attack I just got over does not help. It can take a few days for me to recover when I have a bad attack; this last one was not too bad. The RA also hinders my sleep. I decided to keep a log everyday. I’m tracking on a scale from one to five; one being lowest or worst and five being highest or best. I track where I’m at for the day with the RA, agitation, sex-drive, hours slept, napping hours, mental energy and anxiety. I have an appointment mid May to see a therapist and I want to bring as much about me as I can to get the best help possible. Plus, this information can help me better understand myself. It’s been nearly four weeks on the medication and it’s helping, I’m grateful!
