I have found that a lot of my problem is that I don’t feel control in my life but I am gaining it back again. I am very thankful. I need to see what I want and I’m willing to work hard to get it!
Hi, I saw that you called on my birthday, thank you. I hope you are well and know that I will always love you; there is always a place for you in my heart. I can not have you in my life right now, perhaps forever and I am at peace with that. I wish you well mom. I hope that through my absence you have more to give to your other two children that need a mother. I hope you have found the peace you were searching for by moving to the South and I hope you have strength in your faith. You planted some beautiful seeds in me as a child and I have flourished. Peace be with you in your life and know that I am sending love and positive energy your way.
I am ready to find a new job. I don’t think the old job wants me back so I am letting it go.
I only think about a few events that took place in my world when I went crashing down a few weeks ago. Two weeks ago today I left the psych ward. On Dec 27, 2013 I had a one night stand with a man (Jason) that may have opened the door to my feelings of intrusion. I am sure he had something to do with all that went on due to the fact that I saw him a few months after the event, walking by my door when I was out front. He shaved his face and was wearing glasses but I knew it was him as soon as I saw him. One of the dumbest decisions I have ever made was calling him, I was reaching out that day. He was the first one night stand I have ever had and I wish I would not have done that. He told me far-out stories that I didn’t believe but I humored him. For some reason I was not afraid of that decision that night. I may have even opened up and told him about this blog, we stayed up late talking and I can’t remember. I learned a valuable lessons that night.
Today is a pretty good day. I have eaten healthy and slept well for the most part last night. I have to train my mind to let things go so I can move on. Time to move on…
School is going great, I have a lot to do still but all is well. It makes me feel alive. I am very blessed.
I did my FASFA yesterday, YAY!
I am going to put my car up for sale this weekend, I am ready to let it go. It’s too much of a car for me. I need to downgrade given the area I live in and most of the loan will get paid off. I am ready for this change.
On to my next class. Thank you for reading friends!
I have come full circle about LC. LC is a friend and someone good to have in my corner and that’s it. He is safe to be around and a good boss, anything else is going away and I am thankful. He occupied my mind for many months now but now I am free of him. I hope I can stay in touch with him. I hope he does well in life and that his beautiful daughter continues to grow even more beautiful. I am thankful for LC, he saved me by just being there and for that I am grateful!
I want to change my last name, I don’t want to be linked to my father in anyway. I never knew him and what I know of him I hate so it sounds like a plan. It will take some time and I need to get back to working to be able to afford it but it’s time. I was going to change my last name when I was 25 but ended up married. It’s time…I must have patience.
I have a dream for myself but it is much different than I ever imagined. My dream is to not die in pain (RA) and to be able to create as much art as I can before I go that will touch people. The lady I met today touches people with her work, she touched me greatly.
At night I dream a lot. My mind is filled with the fears I once lived but they are quickly fading too, as my anxiety is nearly gone. I dreamt last night that I was in a van with my friend and two other women. The car stopped quickly and one of the women, who was severely mentally ill, fell forward and broke her hand. I remember in the dream I could not look at her mangled hand…the same way I had a hard time looking at my sister after she was beaten. I felt that same sense of helplessness in the dream that I felt as a kid. The great thing about my journey is I don’t feel helpless while awake like I use to, which was not too long ago.
I have gotten a lot done today. I went grocery shopping, did laundry, met with the artist, and made myself some lunch. I am proud that I am doing all things good as I have always tried to do. It is amazing how far gone I have been these last few years with taking care of myself; I just needed the environment to be able to flourish and I feel like I am. Just for today!
Today was a very good day so far. I met a woman who is an incredible artist that inspires me. She has so much insight into the symbolism of her pieces. I am inspired to create and inspired to pass it on.
As for a job, I am in waiting. I hope to start something next week and get the ball rolling. I feel normal and ready. It did not take me long to get back to me. All of the negative forces seem to be done with. I don’t have strange people coming to my door and no crazy people trying to run me off the road. I just need to rest in the fact that a job will come, they always do. I have faith it will all work out.
I am blessed to have my friend who took me to see the artist. I am blessed she is in my life and I get to experience things through her good will. I am very blessed and thankful for this time and the experiences I have had with her.
My companion, Pepper the dog and I are getting along nicely. She was one of the two dogs that came from the old roommate I had who killed himself on Dec 27, 2013. When I met pepper I would not touch her because I thought she had mange and she was badly flea-ridden. Pepper ended up not having mange, it was the diet of processed cheese and hotdogs that made her hair fall out, she was malnourished and developed an allergy. The man that had her did not do her any justice. She is healthy now. All Pepper wants is love and to be near me, she is a great companion!
I slept well last night, was able to fall asleep every time I woke up.
I am eating well, taking good care of my body. I took the dog on a walk yesterday, it felt great! And I made dinner for myself again. Everything I wanted in living on my own is happening for which I am grateful.
I am going to meet with a woman who is an accomplished artist and has schizophrenia. It is inspiring to see other artists who deal with mental illnesses. I don’t have schizophrenia but I understand mental illnesses. I hope to walk away from that experience inspired!
The RA has been good to me lately. The weather has been wonderful, giving the RA a break. Freedom!!!
I have a lot of projects to do for school. I am back 🙂