AA

AA Helped me in many ways in my life. Throughout all the years of therapy I never told my therapists that I smoked weed. I didn’t tell my first sponsor but by the time I got serious with AA and had some sobriety I told my second sponsor. I was so serious about the program and I worked it seriously.

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My Mind

I am amazed at the kindness of others. I am so blessed to have my stepmom, stepdad and friend (Golden Gal) that love me. I am a very blessed woman and thankful for the wisdom and compassion they show me.

My mind is weak today. Perhaps it’s the anxiety of a job. I had to amend my taxes and will receive some more money. It’s not a lot but enough for a few months. I am not ready to work and I need to admit that to myself. I am not one that wants to use or abuse anyone or the system. I really need to take this time to mentally get strong. My sleeping is off because I can not afford my night medication. I know bad days come. Between a one and four, I’m a two, which is good. It’s amazing to have bad days and still know I am okay.

It’s amazing not having extreme highs and lows like I did. It’s a whole new way to live and takes adjustment. I can see where some, like my father, hated being on meds given the stability effect. I chose, like not drinking alcohol, to stay on my meds and be stable. For me it is a no-brainer, why would anyone not want to better themselves and be the best that they could be? I always want to do the right thing and be the best I can be; it is my life goal.

I am strong.

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Thankful

I have got an amazing support group. My life is balanced again, I am thankful for that. The medication I am on is working well, slowing my thoughts enough for me to concentrate. My heart is filled with the love of a beautiful dog, Pepper. I have some very amazing friends who know me and know my intent. My sleeping is somewhat balanced and my apatite is healthy again. I sent out dozens of resumes today and already heard back from some. I am very blessed and thankful for my life.

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Get it

I have found that a lot of my problem is that I don’t feel control in my life but I am gaining it back again. I am very thankful. I need to see what I want and I’m willing to work hard to get it!

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Last Letter To Mother

Hi, I saw that you called on my birthday, thank you. I hope you are well and know that I will always love you; there is always a place for you in my heart. I can not have you in my life right now, perhaps forever and I am at peace with that. I wish you well mom. I hope that through my absence you have more to give to your other two children that need a mother. I hope you have found the peace you were searching for by moving to the South and I hope you have strength in your faith. You planted some beautiful seeds in me as a child and I have flourished. Peace be with you in your life and know that I am sending love and positive energy your way.

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New Job

I am ready to find a new job. I don’t think the old job wants me back so I am letting it go.

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Mistake

I only think about a few events that took place in my world when I went crashing down a few weeks ago. Two weeks ago today I left the psych ward. On Dec 27, 2013 I had a one night stand with a man (Jason) that may have opened the door to my feelings of intrusion. I am sure he had something to do with all that went on due to the fact that I saw him a few months after the event, walking by my door when I was out front. He shaved his face and was wearing glasses but I knew it was him as soon as I saw him. One of the dumbest decisions I have ever made was calling him, I was reaching out that day. He was the first one night stand I have ever had and I wish I would not have done that. He told me far-out stories that I didn’t believe but I humored him. For some reason I was not afraid of that decision that night. I may have even opened up and told him about this blog, we stayed up late talking and I can’t remember. I learned a valuable lessons that night.

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