Last Post

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here and walking with me. I will continue to work and give. I love people and want peace. I have hope, we are hope and I try to live hope. Peace be with you and I wish you joy and love.

“If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over.”

I’m three years sober today. This morning was the first day in a while that I felt pure joy. I called those close to me and thanked them, I celebrated. I feel proud that I made it this far. When I was working the AA program, I was told that it can take a year and a half for liquor to fully get out of your system and three years of sobriety is when you can think clearly. I am here. I am listening. I am close to my God.

I was made to drink by my step father for five years from the age of 7 to 12. My first “adult drunk” was 16. I started drinking alcoholically when I was 21. I drank hard until I was 28. I learned quickly in AA and ran with it. I saw the possibilities in sobriety but knew it was going to be hard. Three years ago last night I tried to kill myself with Xanax and tequila. I survived and detoxed in my grandparents basement, embracing AA with everything I had. I stayed completely clean for 9 months; started smoking weed. That’s my story. I am sober and proud I have made it this far. One day at a time.

On my one year of sobriety I got a tattoo, “DO NOT FEAR”. I am proud of my tattoo, it’s a daily affirmation. Will I regret it someday? I hope not. It’s my one year chip. I didn’t want to wear the coin around my neck all the time. Not everyone needs to know I am in recovery. It’s personal and I share it with those it may help. I try to just be an example. My tattoo has helped me. It has also been an aid in changing others views on the idea. A tattoo can have meaning, mine does. My good friend did it, a true artist, my  sweet Phin. I chose “DO NOT FEAR” for many reasons. All the good leaders spoke of not being afraid. Fear separates us from love. Fear is blinding. Fear leads to a mental break down. I also didn’t think I was going to survive a year of not drinking and I always wanted a tattoo. The first year of sobriety I thought about what it was that drinking did for me and it was cover up the fear. I drank out of fear.

Three years is a long time without a drink.

I wanted to drink recently but I didn’t. I am still an alcoholic and live with that daily but everyday it gets less intense. I am strong. I was given a lot of good tools in life to cope.

I may go to a meeting to pic up a three year chip, we shall see. I am celebrating with a lovely meal and my Golden Gal.

“If I can be an example of getting sober, then I can be an example of starting over.”

Not Me

I’m going to get a crappy car and I’m excited. I am ready to let this car and all that comes with it go. This car reminds me of my marriage, I was a different person then. I drank and smoked in it. I had sex in it. I cried a lot in it. It brought me to the South. I love that car, my Cube. I’m ready to let it go. It’s not me anymore.

If I sold the car myself I could get a few grand more but I’m not in a mental place to deal with random strangers like that. I still have issues I need to work on and opening the door of my car to a stranger who found me on craigslist does not seem like a healthy option for my anxiety. I can cut my losses and choose the wiser.

Life is different out here. I like it but it’s a different world.

New Med

Time is an amazing thing. It’s been nearly three weeks since the ward stay and I’m living the life I always wanted. I’m on my own and getting rid of my car; downgrading! I’m a student. I have a great dog. I’m on the right medication. I’m sober. I am an Artist. I have a good support system.  I am eating healthy. I am vary blessed.

Yet, it’s an interesting phenomena how not living with the highs and lows can feel like a loss. I feel like a part of my personality has died. I don’t read people like I use to but I feel less anger and fear. I know I’m still me and can attach and detach as good as I could before. My sleeping is completely off kilter, so it’s hard to rate my agitation. The paranoid feelings I had have almost completely dissipated, moving to a better neighborhood has helped. My anxiety is much more under control but I can still have an anxiety attack at the drop of a hat. I still see auras around people which is comforting. I still believe I have gifts that are god given but they are not as intense anymore. I don’t pick up on others emotions and carry them with me like I use to. I really don’t care what most people think about me. But the greatest thing of all is I am still an artist and the medication helps me focus!

As for a job, I know I ‘m not anywhere close to working. I’m still very fragile. I know the RA attack I just got over does not help. It can take a few days for me to recover when I have a bad attack; this last one was not too bad. The RA also hinders my sleep. I decided to keep a log everyday. I’m tracking on a scale from one to five; one being lowest or worst and five being highest or best. I track where I’m at for the day with the RA, agitation, sex-drive, hours slept, napping hours, mental energy and anxiety. I have an appointment mid May to see a therapist and I want to bring as much about me as I can to get the best help possible. Plus, this information can help me better understand myself. It’s been nearly four weeks on the medication and it’s helping, I’m grateful!

Free

I accomplished great things today. I feel free.

RA

The RA is bad tonight. We are getting hit with a  hard rain so I am sleeping over at the “Golden gals” place due to flashflood warnings. My hands are so swollen, I can hardly make a fist…so I write. Writing helps me move my hands, even if it’s slowly. I love the quote, “a body in motion, stays in motion.”

Thank You

This blog has walked with me through a lot in my life. At times it was my best friend and more times than not, my only friend. I have been able to write freely, with no worry of judgment. I have blogged about the most petty of things while diving deep in my soul. I shared about AA, detoxing, bipolar, death, redemption, parents, pets, addiction, my thoughts on abortion, my sexual abuse,  torture and the list goes on… This has been my confidant and truth, a blessing and once a curse. It will forever be my true Lost Companion.

I started writing when I was going through withdrawals, just starting AA and facing a sober life, living with my grandparents in CO, working a job I would soon lose because I was a drunk, screwed financially but ready to fight for my life . Since then, I live in the South, on track mentally, worked on my credit and got mostly out of debt, I’m a student with strait A’s and (just for today) living on my own. Most importantly, I have stayed sober. I’ve moved states in hope for a better future, this blog was there. I am thankful for my testimony. I am thankful for the readers and those who speak the truth. The comments I have received over the last three years have given me strength beyond belief. Thank you friends.

AA

AA Helped me in many ways in my life. Throughout all the years of therapy I never told my therapists that I smoked weed. I didn’t tell my first sponsor but by the time I got serious with AA and had some sobriety I told my second sponsor. I was so serious about the program and I worked it seriously.

My Mind

I am amazed at the kindness of others. I am so blessed to have my stepmom, stepdad and friend (Golden Gal) that love me. I am a very blessed woman and thankful for the wisdom and compassion they show me.

My mind is weak today. Perhaps it’s the anxiety of a job. I had to amend my taxes and will receive some more money. It’s not a lot but enough for a few months. I am not ready to work and I need to admit that to myself. I am not one that wants to use or abuse anyone or the system. I really need to take this time to mentally get strong. My sleeping is off because I can not afford my night medication. I know bad days come. Between a one and four, I’m a two, which is good. It’s amazing to have bad days and still know I am okay.

It’s amazing not having extreme highs and lows like I did. It’s a whole new way to live and takes adjustment. I can see where some, like my father, hated being on meds given the stability effect. I chose, like not drinking alcohol, to stay on my meds and be stable. For me it is a no-brainer, why would anyone not want to better themselves and be the best that they could be? I always want to do the right thing and be the best I can be; it is my life goal.

I am strong.

Thankful

I have got an amazing support group. My life is balanced again, I am thankful for that. The medication I am on is working well, slowing my thoughts enough for me to concentrate. My heart is filled with the love of a beautiful dog, Pepper. I have some very amazing friends who know me and know my intent. My sleeping is somewhat balanced and my apatite is healthy again. I sent out dozens of resumes today and already heard back from some. I am very blessed and thankful for my life.